4I

To the Same

December 1, 1891.

Your letter has made me very glad. I am sure the battle is worth all it costs. If one only dies facing one's enemies one dies well; but when one gives up, there's nothing to hope for, and truth is worth fighting for though one may never gain its perfect knowledge. The merchantman seeking goodly pearls got trained to know the priceless pearl when he saw it; if he had not been always in search for the best he could get, he would not have known the value of that priceless pearl when he saw it. Keep yourself up; don't say things that only give substance to your doubts. Many things on many subjects that one feels or half feels it would be very wrong to put into words-words formulate thought as well as express it. Don't think, please, that the world is as bad and as unbelieving as you suppose. We see everything in the colour of our own minds. I can assure you it isn't true. I should say that it was the minority, not the majority, who didn't believe; their faith may not make them all they ought to be, but it's one thing to believe, another to be consistent-who, I wonder, is consistent? I think, I'm sorry to say, it's natural that clergy should sink down into routine, every profession has that tendency, and a priest is a man-most of us very poor men !—and always speaking and teaching has the tendency to drag into routine.

K

42

To the Same

March 28, 1894.

I am very glad things are clearer and better with you. If one is really and inwardly true, with all one's failures and defects one may believe and hope that our Lord will lead one on. We have often to pass through very dark times, and the waters will come in even to our souls; but if we can hold on then and wait, not plunging impatiently beyond our depth and breaking loose from the Hand that holds us, though we don't feel it, all will come well in the end-I will never leave thee nor forsake thee.' The forsaking must be on our side, not on His.

43

To the Same

October 26, 1894.

I am afraid that I cannot say much to help you in the question that is puzzling you.

I should feel, I think, afraid, having only just got over your former difficulties, that this question, coming now, might be another form which those perplexities take. You used to doubt about Christianity, now you feel God has given you grace to believe and accept that, but at once this new question arises. May it not be the same temper of mind; your natural disposition showing itself in this way and leading you to feel unsettled and without repose, which one needs that one may grow? Perhaps if you did become a Roman Catholic you would find the same kind

of questioning in a different form. I don't say that this is so, but I think it would be necessary to make as sure as possible that it is not so. It's strange how capable the mind is of adapting itself to new conditions and finding there its own old temper and disposition. I cannot tell you that these questions are temptations; I do not know, but I feel as if, as I say, it is natural that after coming out of a long period of doubt and unbelief you should find that you do not get peace at once but that the doubts return in another form. It is not enough to feel drawn to Rome, and to feel a dislike to much amongst ourselves. Nothing would justify one's leaving the English Church but a belief that it was no true part of the Church of Christ. If one feels clear about that, there is nothing but to go. If one doesn't think that, I can't see how-however one loves and longs for much that Rome gives-one can go. Of course it is absurd to say it would suit one's temperament, unless by that it is meant that a person of a certain temperament naturally will be led by God to believe Rome alone is right. I think that that seems to be true. This is clear to me, that those who have gone to Rome and been blessed had not a doubt. It was quite clear to them that Rome was alone the true Church. Others, many, have loved Rome and wished to go, but have been held back by the feeling that they did not believe Rome alone was true, however beautiful. I wish I could help you more, but I feel that I cannot say much on that question to help anyone. I can only say I have thought more about it than most, and so far I have not felt I could go, but that is little use to others. Don't let your mind get entangled, try to see what God leads you to and act up to the light He gives you. After a time one only gets hopelessly muddled.

44

To the Same

March 26, 1897.

Thank you for your letter. I do not feel at present that I have any right, or indeed any inclination, to try to influence others one way or the other. My own experience has taught me more and more clearly that no outside influence can can really hasten or accomplish God's work—if it is His work, as I believe. If you try to know His will and to prove and test yourself, He will not leave you always in the dark. At the same time one must make use of the guides which He has given us-reason and conscience and feeling. I had felt for a long time mentally clear that Rome only could be the end; but then a few weeks ago it came upon me with a clearness and vividness that took possession of me, that I must act now or I should go on for ever in doubt and misery. That light never really left me till it had brought me safely to my Bethlehem. I could distinguish as I never could so clearly before the different currents that were acting upon and influencing me-the impossibility of leaving in the midst of work, the wrench, the beginning a new life, and a hundred things. But through all these drifting clouds the star of a clear conviction of what was right shone out and never failed me. Till that conviction comes who can dare to act? I would not give you the very slightest push. I know you are in earnest and you will act in God's time. This I feel sure of. When once one gets that view of the English Church that makes its inconsistencies a vivid reality that can't be explained away, one never can find peace there again. One may patch

up one's difficulties for a time, but the patch soon wears off and one's misery returns. I do think that no secondary consideration such as the effect upon others ought to influence you-leave that in God's hands. If you feel convinced that you ought to take the step, go out upon the waters at the risk of drowning and losing all. God will take care of the rest. The act must be done in the dark, but scarcely has one done it than there springs up a light for the righteous and joyful gladness for such as are true-hearted.' If you could see all and arrange all before, you would lose much of the blessing of a blind act of faith. I say all this on the condition that you are clear as to what is right; till you are clear, of course, you can do nothing but wait-if need be till death. . . . I have been staying with Cardinal Vaughan this week, and he has been taking me about to a number of places. Certainly what I have seen this week strengthens one's faith in the supernatural powers in the Church. God forbid that I should underestimate what is so good in the English Church, but this is different. God bless you and guide you aright.

45

To the Same

May 29, 1897.

I am afraid I can't say much. One can't, it is quite true, anticipate God's time. I believe one must have an inner conviction that it is right for one to take the step before it is possible to take it, but that conviction may come by facing the question straight. And always remember God gives us our reason to guide us the lesser light is still the light where