for I

would take care to make the best of themselves think it intolerable, that a blockhead fhould be a floven, Though every man cannot fill his head with learning, it is in any one's power to wear a pretty periwig. Let him who cannot fay a witty thing, keep his teeth white at leaft; he who hath no knack at writing fonnets, may however have a foft hand;and he may arch his eye-brows, who hath not ftrength of genius for the mathematics.

After the conclufion of the peace, we shall undoubtedly have new fashions from France; and I have fome reason to think, that fome particularities in the garb of their abbes, may be tranfplanted hither to advantage. What I find becoming in their drefs, I hope I may, without the imputation of being popifhly inclined, adopt into our habits; but would willingly have the autho rity of the GUARDIAN to countenance me in this harmlefs defign. I would not hereby affume to myfelf a jurifdiction over any of our youth, but fuch as are incapable of improvement any other way. As for the aukward creatures that mind their ftudies, I look upon them as irreclaimable: but over the aforementioned order of men, I defire a commiffion from you to exercise full authority. Hereby I fhall be enabled from time to time to introduce several pretty oddneffes in the taking and tucking up of gowns, to regulate the dimenfions of wigs, to vary the tufts upon caps, and to enlarge or narrow the hems of bands, as I shall think moft for the public good.

י

I have prepared a treatise against the cravat and bar. daih, which I am told is not ill done; and have thrown together fome hafty obfervations upon ftockings, which my friends affure me I need not be afhamed of. But I fhall not offer them to the public, till they are approved of at our female club; which I am the more willing to do, because I am fure of their praife; for they own I understand these things better than they do. I fhall herein be very proud of your encouragement: for next to keeping the univerfity clean, my greate!t ambition is to be thought, SIR,

Your most obedient humble fervant,
SIMON SLEEK,

Tuesday, March 24.

-Hc propiùs me,

Dum doceo infanire omnes, vos ordine adite.

Hor. Sat. 3. 1. 2. v. 88.

Attend my lecture, whilst I plainly show,
That all mankind are mad, from high to low.

T

Here is an oblique way of reproof, which takes off from the fharpness of it; and an address in flattry, which makes it agreeable though never fo grofs. But of all flatterers, the most skilful is he who can do what you like, without faying any thing which argues you do it for his fake; the most winning circumftance in the world being the conformity of manners. I speak of this as a practice neceffary in gaining people of fenfe, 0 who are not yet given up to self-conceit. Those who are far gone in admiration of themselves, need not be treated with fo much delicacy. The following letter puts this matter in a pleasant and uncommon light. The author of it attacks this vice with an air of compliance, and alarms us against it by exorting us to it.

SIR.

A

To the GUARDIAN.

S you profefs to encourage all thofe who any way contribute to the public good, I flatter myself I may claim your countenance and protection. I am by profeffion a mad doctor, but of a peculiar kind; not of thofe whofe aim it is to remove phrenzies, but one who makes it my business to confer an agreeable madnefs on my fellow-creatures, for their mutual delight and benefit. Since it it agreed by the philofophers, that happiness and mifery confift chiefly in the imagination, nothing is more neceffary to mankind in general. than this pleafing dilirium, which renders every one fatisfied with himself, and perfuades him that all others are equally fo.

I have for feveral years, both at home and abroad, made this fcience my particular ftudy, which, I may venture to fay, I have improved in almost all the courts of Europe; and have reduced it into fo fafe and eafy a method, as to practise it on both fexes, of what difpofition, age, or quality foever, with fuccefs. What enables me to perform this great work, is the use of my obfequium catholicon, or the grand elixir, to fupport the fpirits of human nature. This remedy is of the most grateful flavour in the world, and agrees with all taftes whatever. It is delicate to the fenfes, delightful in the operation, may be taken at all hours without confinement, and is as properly given at a ball or playhoufe as in a private chamber. It restores and vivifies the molt dejected minds, corrects and extracts all that is painful in the knowledge of a man's felf. One dofe of it will inftantly difperle itself through the whole animal fyftem, diffipate the firit motions of diftrult fo as never to return; and fo exhilarate the brain, and rarify the gloom of reflexion, as to give the patients a new flow of spirits, a vivacity of behaviour, and a pleafing dependence upon their own capacities.

Let a perfon be never so far gone, I advise him not to defpair; even though he has been troubled many years with reftlefs reflexions, which by long neglect, have hardened into fettled confideration. Thofe that have been ftung by fatyr, may here find a certain antidote, which infallibly difperfes all the remains of poifon that has been left in the understanding by bad cures. It fortifies the heart against the rancour of pamphlets, the inveteracy of epigrams, and the mortification of lampoons; as has been often experienced by feveral persons of both fexes during the feafons of Tunbridge and the Bath.

I could, as further inftances of my fuccefs, produce certificates and teftimonials from the favourites and ghoftly fathers of the most eminent princes of Europe; but shall content myfelf with the mention of a few cures, which I have performed by this my grand universal restorative, during the practice of one month only fince I came to this city.

1

Cures in the month of February 1713.

George Spondee, Efq; poet, and inmate of the parifh of St Paul's, Govent-garden, fell into violent fits of the spleen upon a thin third night. He had been frighted into a vertigo by the found of cat-calls on the first day; and the frequent hiffings on the second, made him unable to endure the bare pronunciation of the letter S. I fearched into the caufes of his diftemper; and by the prescription of a dofe of my obfequium, prepar ed fecundum artem, recovered him to his natural itate of madness. I caft in at proper intervals the words, Ill tafte of the town, Envy of critics, Bad performance of the actors, and the like. He is fo perfectly cured, that he has promifed to bring another play upon the ftage next winter.

A lady of profeffed virtue, of the parish of St James's, Westminster, who hath defired her name may be concealed, having taken offence at a phrase of double meaning in converfation, undiscovered by any other in the company, fuddenly fell into a cold fit of modefty. Upon a right application of praise of her virtue, I threw the lady into an agreeable waking dream, fettled the fermentation of her blood into a warm charity, fo as to make her look with patience on the very gentleman that offended.

Hilaria, of the parish of St Giles's in the Fields, a co quette of long practice, was, by the reprimand of an old maiden, reduced to look grave in company, and de ny herself the play of the fan. In fhort, fhe was brought to fuch melancholy circumftances, that fhe would fometimes unawares fall into devotion at church. I advised her to take a few innocent freedoms with occasional kisses, prefcribed her the exercife of the eyes, and immediately raised her to her former ftate of life. She on a fudden recovered her dimples, furled her fan, threw round her glances, and for these two Sundays last past has not once been seen in an attentive pollure. This the churchwardens are ready to atteft upon oathr.

Andrew Terror, of the Middle-Temple, Mohock, was almost induced, by an aged bencher of the fame houfe, to leave off bright converfation, and pore over

Coke upon Littleton. He was fo ill, that his hat began to flap, and he was feen one day in the laft term at Westminster-hall. This patient had quite loft his fpirit of contradiction; I, by the diftillation of a few of my vivifying drops in his ear, drew him from his lethargy, and restored him to his ufual vivacious mifunderstanding. He is at prefent very easy in his condition.

I will not dwell upon the recital of the innumerable cures I have performed within twenty days last past; but rather proceed to exhort all persons, of whatever age, complexion, or quality, to take as foon as poffible of this my intellectual oil; which applied at the ear, feizes all the fenfes with a molt agreeable tranfport; and difcovers its effects, not only to the fatisfaction of the patient, but all who converfe with, attend upon, or a ny way relate to him or her that receives the kindly infection. It is often adminiftred by chambermaids, valets, or any the most ignorant domeftic; it being one peculiar excellence of this my oil, that it is most prevalent the more unskilful the perfon is or appears who applies it. It is abfolutely neceffary for ladies to take a dofe of it juft before they take coach to go a vifiting.

But I offend the public, as Horace faid, when I trefpass on any of your time. Give me leave then, Mr IRONSIDE, to make you a prefent of a dram or two of my oil, though I have caufe to fear my prefcriptions will not have the effect upon you I could with: therefore I do not endeavour to bribe you in my favour by the prefent of my oil, but wholly depend upon your public fpirit and generofity; which, I hope, will recommend to the world the useful endeavours of,

SIR,

Your most obedient, most faithful, moft devoted,

most humble fervant and admirer,

GNATHO.

Beware of counterfeits, for fuch are abroad.

N. B. I teach the arcana of my art at reasonable rates to gentlemen of the universities, who defire to be qualified for writing dedications; and to young lovers