the Union, a brand snatched from the burning pile to which the wicked hand of Mr. G. applied the traitrous torch. So they sat and listened-half an hour, three-quarters of an hour, an hour. Then was heard the light rustle of dainty dresses; doors softly opened along the Gallery; for a moment a fair figure stood framed in it, with guilty glance around to see if she was observed; then, with winning "backin-five-minutes" look on innocent face, she hastily stepped out. The Duke saw none of these things nor cared for them. He had a duty to perform, and long before OLD MORALITY was heard of, the CAVENDISHES did their duty. He plodded on through the melancholy night; stolidly turning over the pages of his notes; stubbornly repressing a growing tendency to yawn; catching his voice up when it wearily sank to the level of his boots; making most pathetic effort to keep it going. Usually it fell away at the end of the third or fourth sentence, to be pulled up with harsh jerk at commencement of one that followed. A good man struggling with the adversity of having to make a speech on a topic harried to death in the other House through course of over eighty days. "Yes," said the Member for Sark, waking up from gentle slumber indulged in in corner seat at end of Gallery; "but why didn't he halve his adversity? If he'd been content with an hour we should all have been grateful, and he would have been spared a moiety of his anguish." Business done.- Second Reading of Home-Rule Bill moved in House of Lords. Thursday.-Again a crowded assembly in Lords to-night to hear its most brilliant Member. The Bishops, in great force, clustered, a group of fluttering white lawn, on right of Woolsack. "The white flower of a blameless Parliamentary life," the MARKISS says of them. Not an inch of red benches visible on Opposition side. Even Ministerial benches full, though, as was made clear in course of debate, not all who sit there are Ministerialists. ROSEBERY, looking Supporting the Crown. more boyish than ever, sat amid the elders on Front Bench; makes no sign of intention to follow SELBORNE; takes no note nor betrays other evidence of uneasiness. SELBORNE preaches for hour and half. Understood to be sermon worthy of his fame; we Commoners in gallery over bar could hear only fragmentary portions of sentences. Reported that SELBORNE had lost his notes; Member for Sark recognises most kindly interposition of Providence. "If he speaks for hour and half with only recollection of his notes where would he have been if he had them ?" Must get WEIR to put that conundrum to CHANCELLOR of the Exchequer. Grateful to ROSEBERY, since at least we can hear him, though he, 66 too, now and then falls into habit of dropping end of sentence. This the less excusable, since none of them are heavy. A clever speech, scarcely obscuring what seems to be difficult position. Dancing among the eggs," is BALFOUR OF BURGHLEY's commentary. Of all listeners in the brilliant throng none so attentive as the MARKISS. Seems, on the whole, to like speech better than does SPENCER. "Reminds me, TOBY," MARKISS says, "of what LOVELACE wrote to LUCASTA, 'on going to the wars.' How does it run? I could not love Home In the Commons pegging away at estimates; occasional explosions; JOSEPH, popping in from Lords. said a few genial words just to keep matters going, and disappeared again. Came back after midnight in time to have a round with SQUIRE MALWOOD. OF "Finished." Uneasy feeling prevalent consequent on announcement made early in sitting that charwoman employed in service of House has died of cholera. This regarded as being exceedingly inconsiderate. Questions usually every day about cholera at Grimsby and Hull. That all very well; an incident possible to regard with philosophical mind. But cholera in our own kitchen quite another sort of microbe. "I'm a family man," said COBB. "It's no use denying it, and I will not attempt it. Was thinking of staying to see this out: begin to think the Session unduly prolonged. In short, if I may quote an old proverb adapted to the occasion, I would say, When cholera comes in by the window COBB goes out by the door." Business done.-Third night Home-Rule debate in Lords. Supply in Commons. Saturday, 1 A.M.-All up with Little Bill-ee. His worst fears are realised. Whilst Captain WILLYUM has been having a quiet, restful time among the heather, Guzzling BOB and Gorging HARTY have worked their wicked will on the Innocent. Snickersees have been drawn; blows have been dealt; the hunger of Ulster has been satisfied; Little Bill-ee has been killed and eaten. "Just so," said the LORD CHANCELLOR from behind his wig; "a meal eagerly partaken of. Now we've nothing to do but to wait awhile, and see how it agrees with them. You remember, TOBY, the letters engraved on the tomb of her late husband by the sorrowing widow in Ohio? S. Y. L. 'See you later,' she explained to inquiring friends, was its portent. S. Y. L., Little Bill-ee, S. Y. L.!" Business done.-Lords throw out Home-Rule Bill by 419 Votes against 41. Sartorial. "NAKED and not ashamed" our "Interests" stand, 66 Scourge of our Toil, monopolist of our Land!" A REAL "MAYOR'S NEST."-The platform (presided over by the Mayor of Bristol) on the occasion of the opening of the Bristol Fine Art and Industrial Exhibition. (See Illustrated Papers passim.) MOTTO FOR A MAN REPRIEVED FROM THE GALLOWS.-No noose is good news "PAINLESS DENTISTRY." (A Story for the Long Vacation.) Then "Master SAMMY" smiled, and I felt sure that he and "the nice little dentist" must have quite recently been playing marbles together. Next came the question of the fee. "Master SAMMY" was disinclined to accept anything, evidently taking a low estimate of the value of his professional services. However, he ultimately said "Three-and-sixpence," and got the money. I would willingly have increased it to a crown had I not feared that the moment my back was turned "Master SAMMY" would have followed the example of GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT, and himself indulged in five shillings' worth of Chicago Honey Shells. Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG lived in a rather fine-looking house, ornamented with an aged brass plate, suggesting that he had been established for very many years. A buttons opened the door, and, on my inquiring as to whether Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG was at home, promptly answered "Yes." ALTHOUGH professional engagements (not wholly unconnected with the holding of high judicial office in the Tropics) have recently prevented me from contributing to the paper which specially represents Bench and Rar, I have never lost sight of the fact that when I have a duty to perform, the pages of Punch are open to me. Under these circumstances I find myself once again writing to the familiar address, and signing myself, as of yore, with the old name, and the ancient head-quarters. From the venerable appearance of the brass plate I had expected I must confess that although to see a rather elderly dentist, with possibly white hair and certainly I date this communication spectacles; so I was rather taken aback when a dapper young fellow, from Pump-Handle Court, I who seemed about the age of " Master SAMMY." entered the am, as a matter of fact, stay- waiting-room. The juvenile new-comer made himself master of the ing at Callerherring, a health situation. He seized upon the jaw of poor trembling GEORGE resort greatly patronised by LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT, and declared that "it must come out." all patients of that eminent doctor Sir PETER TWIT WILLOW. It is unnecessary to describe a place so well known to all lovers of the picturesque. I may hint that the far-famed view of twelve Scotch, Irish, and Welsh counties, and the Channel and the Atlantic Ocean, can still be enjoyed by those who ascend Mount MacHaggis, and that the table-d'hôte at the Royal Hibernian Hotel yet costs, with its seven courses, five-and-sixpence. And now to perform my duty. My son, GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT (he is christened after some professional friends of mine, in the hope that at some distant date he may be assisted by them in the characters of good fairy godfathers in the profession to which it is hoped he may ornamentally belong), is extremely partial to sweetstuff. He is a habitual glutton of a sticky comestible known, I believe, in the confectionery trade as 'Chicago Honey Shells." This toothsome (I have his word for the appropriateness of the epithet) edible he devours in large quantities, spending at times as much as five shillings to secure an ample store of an article of commerce generally bought in quantities estimated at the usually convenient rate of two ounces for three halfpence." It was after a long gastronomic debauch connected with Chicago Honey Shells that I noticed that GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT was suffering from a swollen face. My son, although evidently in great pain, declared that there was nothing the matter with him. However, as for three successive days he took only two helpings of meat and refused his pudding, I, in consultation with his mother, came to the conclusion that it was necessary to seek the advice of a local medical man. GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT raised objec 64 65 tions to this course, but they were overruled. "Perhaps Master SAMMY might do, Sir ?" suggested the kindhearted janitor. On finding that "Master SAMMY" was a nephew of the owner of the house and a qualified medical man, I consented, and "Master SAMMY" was sent for. There was some little delay in his appearance, as, although the morning was fairly well advanced, he was not up. However, after making a possibly hasty toilette, he soon appeared. No doubt he was much older, but he looked about eighteen. He was very pleasant, and listened to my history of the case. He seemed, so it appeared to me, to recognise the Chicago Honey Shells as old acquaintances. It may have been my fancy, but I think he smacked his lips when I suggested that GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT had probably eaten five shillings' worth at a sitting. "You see," I said, "he has had a bad face ever since; and as our dentist in town told us about a fortnight ago that sooner or later he must have a tooth out, I think this must be the one to which he referred. Won't you see?" 64 When, after some persuasion, GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT had been induced to open his mouth, "Master SAMMY" did see. Yes," observed the budding doctor, after he had looked into my lad's mouth as if it were a sort of curiosity from India that he was regarding for the first time, "yes, I think it ought to come out." And armed with this opinion I asked my medical friend if he knew any one in Callerherring capable of performing the operation. Well, yes," he replied, after some consideration; "there's a nice little dentist round the corner. He's called Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG." "He'd better have gas," he observed. "But as I am full of engagements this morning, you really must let me fix a time." Then he took out a pocket-book which I could not help noticing contained such items as "Soda-water-38.," ," "Washing-58.," and Church collection-6d.," and placed our name and time amidst the other entries. We kept our appointment. The buttons was in a state of excitement. Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG received us. and pointed to the gas apparatus with an air of triumph, as if he had had some difficulty in getting it entrusted to him in consequence of his youth. Then "Master SAMMY" made his appearance. He was going to administer the gas. It was a pleasant family party, and I felt quite parental. Had it not been for poor GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT'S swollen face, I should have said to Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG, "Master SAMMY," my boy, and the buttons, "Here, lads, let us make a day of it. I will take you all to Madame TUSSAUD's and the Zoological Gardens." "You have had the gas, haven't you?" said "Master SAMMY," who had been fumbling with the apparatus. "How do you put it on ?" Poor GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT, under protest, described the modus operandi. Then the mouth was opened, and "Master SAMMY" applied the gas. I am sorry to say he performed the operation rather clumsily, and my poor lad never "went off." GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT subsequently described every detail of the performance, and said that he had suffered excruciating pain. Then Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG went to work, and, after several struggles, got out a bit of tooth, and then another. Then GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT came to himself, and the usual comforts were supplied to him. "I think there's a bit of the tooth still in the gum," said Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG; and then, after a pause, with the air of Jack Horner pulling out a plum, he produced an immense pair of forceps from the instrument drawer. There." he added, triumphantly, as he exhibited another piece of ivory, "I told you so!" GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT had now sufficiently recovered to complain bitterly of the pain he had suffered. 66 Impossible," I observed; "remember this is painless dentistry." I had not intended the remark as a witticism, but rather as a solace to the sufferer. Still, "Master SAMMY" and Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG accepted it as first-class waggery, and indulged in roars of laughter. Then the former took his departure. I found that I was indebted to the latter to the extent of 15s. 6d. I don't know how my dentist had arrived at the sum, but he said it with such determination that I could only offer a sovereign and receive the change. "I want my tooth," said GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT, who is of an affectionate nature. "I want to give it to Mother." Then Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG interposed. He desired to keep the tooth (in several pieces) himself. I understood him to say that he regarded it as a memorial of an initial victory-his first extraction. Dear me!" I exclaimed. "Why I thought you had been established at least twenty years, Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG." "Well, to tell the truth," was the reply, "I am not Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG. He's away for the day, and I am taking his place!" Then GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT and I bowed ourselves out. As left the premises I fancied I heard the click of marbles. No doubt "Master SAMMY" and "Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG " had resumed the game our visit had interrupted. I was relieved to find myself safe from a fall caused perchance by one of their runaway hoops. I And now to perform my duty. I need scarcely say that it is to add my recommendation to that of Sir PETER TWITWILLOW anent Callerherring. You should not fail to visit the place, especially if you have a son suffering from " a raging tooth," that "must come out." (Signed) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. Pump-Handle Court, Temple, September, 1893. She. "SO MUCH NICER NOW THAT ALL THE VISITORS HAVE GONE. DON'T YOU THINK SO?" He. "YES, BY JOVE! SO JOLLY NICE AND QUIET! OFTEN WONDER THAT EVERYBODY DOESN'T COME NOW, WHEN THERE'S NOBODY HERE, DON'T YOU KNOW!" They hunted, an' they hollo'd, an' the next thing they did find One said it was a grindlestone, another he said "Nay; They hunted, an' they hollo'd, an' the next thing they did find Look ye there! One said it was a bull-calf, an' another he said "Nay; It is just a Rural Voter who has lately learned to bray." Look ye there! They hunted, an' they hollo'd, an' the next thing they did find One said that they were children, but another he said "Nay; They hunted, an' they hollo'd, and the next thing they did find One said they were street-spouters, but another he said, "Nay; They hunted an' they hallo'd, an' the next thing they did find One said it was Welsh Mutton, but another he said, "Nay; They hunted, an' they hollo'd, an' the next thing they did find One said it was an Irish hog, but another he said " Nay; It's our plump, pet Home-Rule porker, which the Lords have driven away!" Look ye there! So they hunted, an' they hollo'd, till the setting of the sun; QUEER QUERIES. PARSON AND PREMIER.-I see that a person who is called "the Episcopal Vicar of Blairgowrie " said that he would decline to shake hands with the PRIME MINISTER, in the utterly improbable event of the PRIME MINISTER wishing to shake hands with him. May I inquire how there can be a "Vicar of Blairgowrie" at all? Is not the Established Church in Scotland the Presbyterian one? I know that they have "Lord Rectors" up north, and so perhaps there are Rectors as well, but I never heard of a Lord Vicar. "The Lord Vicar of Blairgowrie" would sound rather well. But what would his Lord Bishop say? Can any genuine Scotchman kindly assist me in unravelling this puzzle ?-SOUTHRON BODY. OUR AUXILIARIES.-When are we likely to have a Minister of War who will do real justice to Officers of the Volunteers ? I may say that I am thinking of becoming an Officer myself, and I fancy that the following inducements would be likely to bring in a fresh supply of these deserving men:-(1) Exemption from Taxes. (2) Ditto from Rates, and Serving on Juries. (3) More gold braid everywhere. (4) A Volunteer Captain to rank equal to a Lieutenant-General. and a Major of Volunteers equal to the Commander-in-Chief. (5) Retiring pension, and not less than six medals or decorations, after half a year's service. Do you think that there would be much good in my writing to Mr. CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN and suggesting this ?-MODEST MERIT. UNDER THE ROSE. (A Story in Scenes.) SCENE IV.-An Up-platform at Clapham Junction. Alth. Did you want to speak to me about last night, Mr. CURPHEW? Has my cousin CHARLES been getting into any mischief? I only came in afterwards; but you were looking so shocked about something. Was it because he had been to a theatre, and do you think that very wicked of him ? Curph. (to himself). I ought to manage to lead up to it now. (Aloud.) It was not a theatre exactly-it was-well, it was a music-hall. Alth. Oh! but is there any difference? Alth. Why, that's just like the Penny Readings at our Athenæum! Curph. Well, I should hardly have-but I'm not in a position to say. To himself.) I'm further off than ever! Alth. It couldn't be that, then; for Papa has presided at Penny Readings himself. But CHARLES must have told him something that upset him, for he came down to breakfast looking perfectly haggard this morning. CHARLES had a long talk in the library with him_last night after you left, and then Papa went to bed. Curph. (to himself). I felt sure that fellow spotted me. So he's let the cat out to old ToovVEY! If I don't tell her now. (Aloud.) Did Mr. TooVEY seem-er-annoyed? Curphew (to himself, as he paces up and down with a pre-occupied air). I ought to have been up at the Hilarity rehearsing hours ago. Considering all that depends on that play of mine-but there'll be time enough to pull Fattery together before Saturday. And Curph. Not much-between a music-hall and some theatres. At this is the only chance I have of seeing ALTHEA for days. Her theatres, you see, they perform a regular play, with a connected plot mother hinted last night that she was obliged to let her travel up to at least, some of the pieces have a connected plot. At a musicWaterloo alone, and if I did happen to be going up about this time-hall the entertainment is-er-varied. Songs, conjuring-tricks, and of course I do happen to be. I must tell ALTHEA; I can't go on ventriloquism, and-and that kind of thing. playing a part any longer. I felt such a humbug last night over that confounded Eldorado business. But if I'd revealed myself then as "Walter Wildfire, Comedian and Vocalist." those puritanical parents of hers would probably have both had a fit on the floor, and have kicked me out of the house as soon as they were sufficiently recovered! That's the worst of becoming intimate with a serious Evangelical family in the character of a hard-working journalist. I ought to have undeceived them, I suppose, but it was such a blessing to sink the shop-and besides, I'd seen ALTHEA. It would have been folly to speak until-but she must know now, I'll have no more false pretences. After all, there's no disgrace in being a music-hall singer. I've no reason to be ashamed of the means by which I've got my reputation. Ah! but she won't understand that - the name will be enough for her! And I can't blame her if she fails to see the glory of bringing whisky and water nightly to the eyes of an enraptured audience by singing serio-comic sentiment under limelight through clouds of tobaccosmoke. Heaven knows I'm sick enough of it, and if Fattery only makes a hit, I'd cut the profession at once. If I could only hear her say she-there she is at last-and alone, thank goodness! I wish I didn't feel so nervous-I'm not likely to get a better opportunity. (Aloud, as he meets ALTHEA.) Mrs. ToOVEY said I might-can I get your ticket, or see after your luggage, or anything? Althea. Oh, thank you, Mr. CURPHEW, but PHOEBE is doing all that. Curph. (to himself, his face falling). That's the maid; then she's not alone! I must get this over now, or not at all. (Aloud.) Miss TOOVEY, I-I've something I particularly want to say to you; shall we walk up to the other end of the platform? Alth. (to herself). It looks more serious than ever! Is he going to "He does mean that!" give me good advice ? It's kind of him to care, but still- (Aloud.) Oh, but we shan't have time. See, there's our train coming up now. Couldn't you say it in the railway carriage? [The train runs in. Curph. (to himself). For PHEBE's edification! No, I don't quite- (Aloud, desperately.) It-it's something that concerns -something I can't very well say before anyone else-there'll be another train directly-would you mind waiting for it? Alth. (to herself). It's very mysterious. I should like to know what it can be! (Aloud.) I-I hardly know. I think we ought, perhaps, to-but this doesn't look a very nice train, does it? Curph. (with conviction). It's a beastly train! One of the very worst they run, and full of the most objectionable people. It-it's quite noted for it. Alth. (to PHEBE, who hurries up with her hand-bag). No, never mind; I'm not going by this train, PHOEBE; we'll wait for a more comfortable one. Phoebe. Very good, Miss. (To herself, as she retires.) Well, if that isn't downright barefaced-I don't know what it is! I hope they'll find a train to suit 'em before long, and not stay here picking and choosing all day, or I shan't get back in time to lay the cloth for dinner. But it's the way with all these quiet ones! Alth. He looked worried, and I believe he wanted to consult you. Curph. (to himself). The deuce he did! (Aloud.) He mentioned me ? Alth. He talked of going round to see you, but Mamma insisted on his staying quietly indoors. Curph. (to himself). Sensible woman, Mrs. ToOVEY! But I've no time to lose. (Aloud.) I think I can explain why he wished to see me. He has discovered mymy secret. Alth. Have you a secret, Mr. CURPHEW? (To herself.) He can't mean that, and yet-oh, what am I to say to him? Curph. I have. I always intended to tell him-but-but I wanted you to know it first. And it was rather difficult to tell. I-I risk losing everything by speaking. Alth. (to herself). He does mean that! But I won't be proposed to like this on a railway platform; I don't believe it's proper; and I haven't even made up my mind! (Aloud.) If it was difficult before, it will be harder than ever nowjust when another train is coming in, Mr. CURPHEW. The But it's Curph. (angrily, as the train passes). Another-already! way they crowd the traffic on this line is simply disan express. It isn't going to stop, I assure you it isn't! Alth. It has stopped. And we had better get in. Phabe. I don't know if you fancy the look of this train, Miss, but there's an empty first-class in front. Curph. This train stops everywhere. We shall get in just as soon by the next-sooner in fact. Alth. If you think so, Mr. CURPHEW, wait for it, but we really must go. Come, PHŒEBE. Phoebe. I only took a second for myself, Miss, not knowing you'd require Curph. (to himself). There's a chance still, if I can get a carriage to ourselves. (Aloud.) No, Miss TooVEY, you must let me come with you. Your mother put you under my care, you know. (To PHOEBE.) Here, give me Miss TooVEY's bag. Now, Miss ToOVEY, this way-we must look sharp. (He opens the door of an empty compartment, puts ALTHEA in, hands her the bag, and is about to follow when he is seized by the arm, and turns to find himself in the grasp of Mr. ToovEY.) How do you do, Mr. TooVEY? We-we are just off, you see. Mr. Toovey (breathlessly). I-I consider I am very fortunate in |