THE BRITISH ATHLETE'S

VADE-MECUM.

Question. What is the specialité of a Briton ?

Answer. That given him by belonging to a race of born athletes.

Q. Can any member of the human family outside the British Isles do anything in the shape of sport?

4. Only imperfectly. However, Australians are good at cricket, and Americans have been known to adequately train racehorses.

Q. Can you give any reason for their partial success?

A. Yes. Australians are our first-cousins, and Americans our first-cousins once removed.

Q. Then you consider them of the same stock as the true Briton ?

A. Quite so. Hence their prowess in the field.

Q. What do you think of foreigners ?

by

A. That they are typified "Moosoo."

Q. When you speak of "Moosoo," to whom do you refer?

A. To the average French duffer, who has about as much knowledge of sport as a baby in arms.

Q. Are all foreigners duffers?

A. All; without exception.

DECIDEDLY PLEASANT.

Genial Youth. "I SAY, GUBBY, OLD CHAP, 18 THIS REALLY TRUE
ABOUT YOUR GOING TO MARRY MY SISTER EDIE?"

Gubbins. "YES, TOMMY. IT'S ALL SETTLED. BUT WHY DO YOU ASK?"
G. Y. "OH! ONLY BECAUSE I SHALL HAVE SUCH A JOLLY SLACK TIME
NOW! YOU KNOW I'VE PULLED OFF NEARLY ALL HER ENGAGEMENTS SO
FAR, ONLY YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE WHO'S BEEN A REAL STAYER!!"

A DECAYED INDUSTRY.
(From the Note-book of Our Prophet-Reporter.)

THE HOME SECRETARY was seated in his room awaiting the arrival of the Deputation:

"Well, I suppose I was right to allow them to interview me," he murmured. The submerged Tenth have not the franchise to-day. Ah! but they may have it to-morrow!"

Q. How do they go out shooting?

A. With a horn, a couteau de chasse, a toy game-bag, and a decorated poodle.

Q. Can they row at all? A. Not seriously. They can paddle a little, but have no more idea of pulling than the man in the moon.

Q. And yet, did not a Paris crew beat a Thames Eight, on the Seine, early in the present year?

A. Yes; but that was because there was some good reason or other for the English defeat.

Q. It could not have been, of course, because the French Eight was better than their visitors?

A. Certainly not.

Q. But is not that the view you would adopt if you were dealing with two English crews P

A. Why, certainly; but this was a race between Britons and Frenchman, and the former could not naturally be beaten by the latter on their own merits.

Q. Why not?

A. Because, as a matter of fact, they couldn't.

Q. And so your opinion of the superiority of Britons over foreigners is unalterable?

A. Of course. I should not be a Briton if it were not so.

make a tidy living out of silk pocket-handkerchiefs, and sich like. But nowadays it's all changed. It wants capital, Guv'nor; that's where it is, it wants capital!

"What wants capital ?" queried the Minister.

"Why, our purfession, to be sure. Nowadays everythink's done on scientific principuls. A burglar must know something of chemistry, and be up in things generally. Besides, all the real good things are worked by syndicates. Unless you can put in a 'underd pounds or so, why, you are nowhere. What are we to The HOME SECRETARY's exclamation was caused by the appeardo ?" ance of The HOME SECRETARY sat in deep thought. number of Look 'ere, Guv'nor," continued the spokesman, "'ere's a noshun. half starved As we can't afford to be thieves, and haven't sufficient education to ragamuffins, become burglars, why shouldn't we assist the Civil Power? Make who had us Peelers, Sir, you know-Coppers."

a

lounged into

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the room, and A month later the Police received some new recruits, and the title were now of the Force was officially changed to "The Unemployed."

standing re

spectfully be

fore him.

66

Beg par

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

don, Sir," said the spokesman of this House of Commons, Monday, August 7.-House brisked up to-day strange-look-on approaching Report Stage Home-Rule Bill; over three hundred ing deputa- Members present, including JOSEPH, fresh from Birmingham; on tion," but are whole, a melancholy gathering. At outset every appearance of colyou the 'OME lapse. Influence of Bank Holiday over it all. Ministers who SECKKER- should have been in places to answer questions not arrived. Worse TERRY?" still when Home-Rule Bill reached, and new Clauses called on. "That is my position," replied the Cabinet Minister. And now Turned out PRINCE ARTHUR was still dallying at Dulwich, that you are here, what do you want?" HENEAGE 'appy at 'Ampstead, WOLMER tarrying by the giddy "Well, Guv'nor, truth to tell, we are out of employment. Our swing on Peckham Rye. BARTLEY, ever ready to sacrifice himself trade has gone to the dogs. Our business wos a removin' of super- in interests of Empire, proposed to move new Clauses for absentees fluous cash from the pockets of the more inattentive of the public." but SPEAKER Wouldn't have it; so passed on to PARKER SMITH. "Burglars!" exclaimed the HOME SECRETARY, in some alarm, P. S., as sometimes happens in correspondence, proved most imporand he hastily approached the handle of the bell communicating tant part of letter. He had quite a cluster of Clauses; moved with the Messenger's Room. them in succession through long and dreary night.

66

"Stow it!" cried the spokesman roughly, then hurriedly lowering his tone, he apologised, and said he spoke from force of habit. "Twenty years ago our purfession was worth something. We could

Incidentally provided TIM HEALY with opportunity for making speech quite in old (of late unfamiliar) form. One of P. S.'s clauses designed for appointment of Boundary Commissioners, with view of

HOLIDAY TIME-AS SHOWN BY MEMBERS' DRESS IN THE HOUSE.

66

what T. W. RUSSELL described as ojus jerrymandering." TIM put the matter bluntly, and "ask leave to move the adjournment declared that scheme proposed by Bill would give Unionists a much for the purpose of discussing a definite matter of urgent public imlarger representation than they were entitled to. leaving them, with portance, namely, HARRY CHAPLIN's desire to get out of town." exception of disfranchisement of Dublin University, in very But for "HARRY CHAPLIN'S desire," &c., substitute "the closing much same numbers as they now stand. Demonstrating this, of the Indian mints to the free coinage of silver," and there you TIM cited in detail the constituencies affected. Totted them up are. to reach the total he had affirmed-certainly eighteen, possibly There we were indeed. Opposition didn't show up with the twenty-one. enthusiasm that might have been expected in such a cause. Question was indeed raised whether the necessary forty Members had risen to support application for leave. SPEAKER said it was all right, so SQUIRE OF BLANKNEY brought out his treasured manuscript and reeled off his speech. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD exceedingly angry that he should have occupied nearly an hour for the purpose.

same

a

"There's Armagh two," he said, "and Antrim four. Four and two are six," he added, turning with defiant look upon the placid figure of T. W. RUSSELL. Paused for a moment to give full opportunity for anyone getting up to deny this proposition. No response; TIM proceeded; Very well, six. There's Belfast four. Six and four are ten!" he shouted triumphantly, looking across at JOSEPH. So angry that "Very well, ten." he added, in low growl; evidently disappointed he took almost at lack of spirit in camp opposite. "Down-North, East and West precisely Down you'll have, I suppose? That's three. Three and ten's time in replythirteen. Thirteen!" he shouted, turning with quick flush of hope ing. Drew in direction of seat of EDWARD OF ARMAGH. But Colonel not there. lurid picture of In fact not been seen in House since he went out after the great the other Squire fight, holding bunch of keys to his bruised cheek. going about Things looking desperate; still TIM plodded on. Surely age of "endeavouring chivalry not so finally gone that there was not left in an Irish bosom make mischief in sufficient courage to deny to a political adversary that two and two Hindustan." The made four? Perhaps Tim had been piling on the units too high. poor SQUIRE OF He would continue on a lower scale. "Very well, that's thirteen. BLANKNEY! No such Now North Fermanagh's one. Thirteen and one's fourteen." No fell design had filled pen can describe the acrimony TIM threw into this proposition. his manly breast. He Still the craven blood did not stir. 'Londonderry, North, South, was guilty of no and City-I suppose you expect to collar them all? That's three; more direful purpose fourteen and three are seventeen." than that of availing himself of forms of the House to read a paper on Bimetallism prepared for a lapsed The Government Humorist. occasion, which might have been out of date had he kept it in his drawer till he came back from his holiday. It led to appropriation of four hours of the sitting; but if they had not been wasted in this way, they would have been squandered in some other, and House would have lost spectacle of this set-to between the MALWOOD MAULER and the BLANKNEY PET. Business done.-None to speak of.

It was terrible. The SPEAKER, fearing bloodshed, interposed, ruling TIM out of order; only just in time. One could see by flush on MACARTNEY'S cheek that one step more would have been fatal, and that the proposition "Seventeen and two are nineteen" would have led to outbreak beside which the "regrettable incident" would have been meretriciously mild.

Business done.-Took up Report Stage of Home-Rule Bill. Tuesday-The Squires had regular set-to to-night. He of Blankney began it; SQUIRE OF MALWOOD. never loath for a tussle, cheerfully stepping into the ring. Order of the day was Report Stage of Home-Rule Bill. Members, though in languid mood, prepared once more to tread the dreary round, to pass a summer night

In dropping buckets into empty wells,

And growing old in drawing nothing up. SQUIRE OF BLANKNEY ordered matters otherwise. Has for some time had by him paper on Bimetallism, which he desired to read to House. Thought event might have come off on Vote on Account; ruled out of order; would fit in equally well on Indian Budget.

LIKA-JOKO

"Bimetallism."

But when will Indian Budget be taken? GORST and Echo answer "When ?" SQUIRE, whilst willing to sacrifice all personal considerations on the altar of public interest, feels that duty to his Queen and country call him away for an interval of rest. He might leave his paper for DICKY TEMPLE to read; or he might have it printed and circulated with the votes. Whilst pondering on these alternatives, happy, thought came to him. Why not move adjournment of House, and so work off speech? Of course wouldn't do to

Certainly nothing in Mr. G.'s appearance to-night suggestive of desire or necessity for knocking-off work. Others may tire and turn fondly to contemplation of moor, river, or sea. Mr. G. thinks there's no place like London in mid-August, no scene so healthful or invigorating as House of Commons. Plunged in to-night on one of the interminable Amendments. A difficult job in hand. Had to accept Amendment which SOLICITOR-GENERAL and ATTORNEYGENERAL had an hour earlier been put up to show was impossible. Began by pummelling PRINCE ARTHUR; proceeded to make little of HENRY JAMES; turned aside to pink JOSEPH with sarcastic reference to inveterate love with which he is cherished in the bosom of his new friends the Tories; finished by throwing over ATTORNEY-GENERAL with grace and dexterity that made experience rather pleasant than otherwise; and at a quarter to eight accepted an Amendment that had been moved at a quarter to six.

It was in conversation round this Debate that SOLICITOR-GENERAL, accused by CARSON of knowing all about a certain point of law, delighted House by taking off wig, pitching it ceiling-high, deftly catching it, and observing with a wink at SPEAKER, hanged if I do."

Business done.-Report Stage Home-Rule Bill.

..

No, I'm

Friday Night.-Grouse to-morrow, Home-Rule Bill to-night. As BORTHWICK says, Home-Rule Bill is like partridge, at least to this extent. that, in course of a few months, its daily appearance on the table leads to sensation of palled palate. Truly, toujours perdrix is endurable by comparison with Always Home Rule. Members who remain bear up pretty bravely, but glance wistfully at the door through which have disappeared so many friends and companions dear, bound Northward. The holiday, even when it comes for us-the mere residuum, tasting grouse only from the bounty of our friends, who are not dead but gone before-will be but an interval in a prodigiously long Session. "I suppose you find the Autumn Session very popular," I said to MARJORIBANKS, who still wears a smile. "Yes." he said: more especially with Members who have paired up to Christmas." Business done.-Still harping on Home Rule.

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THE ADVENTURES OF PICKLOCK HOLES. (By Cunnin Toil.)

No. III.-LADY HILDA'S MYSTERY.

A DAY or two after the stirring events which I have related as taking place at Blobley-in-the-Marsh, and of which, it will be remembered, I was myself an astonished spectator, I happened to be travelling, partly for business, partly for pleasure, through one of the most precipitous of the inaccessible mountain-ranges of Bokhara. It is unnecessary for me to state in detail the reasons that had induced me once more to go so far a-field. One of the primary elements in a physician's success in his career is, that he should be able to guard, under a veil of impenetrable silence, the secrets confided to his care. It cannot, therefore, be expected of me that I should reveal why his Eminence the Cardinal DACAPO, one of the most illustrious of the Princes of the Church, desired that I should set off to Bokhara. When the memoirs of the present time come to be published, it is possible that no chapter of them will give rise to bitterer discussion than that which narrates the interview of the redoubtable Cardinal with the humble author of this story. Enough, however, of this, at present. On some future occasion much more will have to be said about it. to be for ever the scape-goat of the great, and, persists in his refusal to do me justice, I shall have, in the last resort, to tell the whole truth about one of the strangest affairs that ever furnished gossip for all the most brilliant and aristocratic tea-tables of the Metropolis.

I was walking along the narrow mountain path that leads from Balkh to Samarcand. In my right hand I held my trusty kirghiz, which I had sharpened only that very morning. My head was shaded from the blazing sun by a broad native mollah, presented to me by the Khan of BOKHARA, with whom I had spent the previous day in his Highness's magnificent marble and alabaster palace. As I walked I could not but be sensible of a curiously strained and tense feeling in the air-the sort of atmosphere that seems to be, to me at least, the invariable concomitant of country-house guessinggames. I was at a loss to account for this most curious phenomenor, when, looking up suddenly, I saw on the top of an elevated crag in front of me the solitary and impassive figure of PICKLOCK HOLES, who was at that moment engaged on one of his most brilliant feats

"What, the third and loveliest daughter of the Marquis of SASSAFRAS?"

"The same. Two days ago she left her boudoir at Sassafras Court, saying that she would return in a quarter of an hour. A quarter of an hour elapsed, the Lady HILDA was still absent. The whole household was plunged in grief, and every kind of surmise was indulged in to account for the lovely girl's disappearance. Under these circumstances the Marquis sent for me, and that," said HOLES," is why I am here."

"But," I ventured to remark, "do you really expect to find Lady HILDA here in Bokhara, on these inhospitable precipices, where even the wandering Bactrian finds his footing insecure? Surely it cannot be that you have tracked the Lady HILDA hither?"

"Tush," said HOLES, smiling in spite of himself at my vehemence. "Why should she not be here? Listen. She was not at Sassafras Court. Therefore, she must have been outside Sassafras Court. Now in Bokhara is outside Sassafras Court, or, to put it algebraically, in Bokhara = outside Sassafras Court. I cannot endure Substitute 'in Bokhara' for outside Sassafras Court,' and you get if the Cardinal this result

of induction. He evinced no surprise whatever at seeing me. Α cold smile lingered for a moment on his firm and secretive lips, and he laid the tips of his fingers together in his favourite attitude of deep consideration.

How are you, my dear POTSON?" he began. "What? not well? Dear me, dear me, what can it mean? And yet I don't think it can have been the fifth glass of sherbet which you took with the fourteenth wife of the KHAN. No, I don't think it can have been that."

"HOLES, you extraordinary creature," I broke in; "what on earth made you think that I drank five glasses of sherbert with the KHAN'S fourteenth wife?"

"Nothing simpler, my dear fellow. Just before I saw you a native Bokharan goose ran past this rock, making, as it passed, a strange hissing noise, exactly like the noise made by sherbert when immersed in water. Five minutes elapsed, and then you appeared. I watched you carefully. Your lips moved, as lips move only when they pronounce the word fourteen. You then smiled and scratched your face, from which I immediately concluded you were thinking of a wife or wives. Do you follow me ?"

"Yes, I do, perfectly," I answered, overjoyed to be able to say so without deviating from the truth; for in following his reasoning I did not admit its accuracy. As to that I said nothing, for I had drunk sherbert with no one, and consequently had not taken five glasses with the fourteenth wife of the KHAN. Still, it was a glorious piece of guess-work on the part of my matchless friend, and I expressed my admiration for his powers in no measured terms.

"Perhaps," said HOLES, after a pause, "you are wondering

'She must have been in Bokhara.' Do you see any flaw in my reasoning?"

For a moment I was unable to answer. The boldness and originality of this master-mind had as usual taken my breath away. HOLES observed my emotion with sympathy.

"Come, come, my dear fellow!" he said; "try not to be too much overcome. Of course, I know it is not everybody who could track the mazes of a mystery so promptly; but, after all, by this time you of all people in the world ought to have grown accustomed to my ways. However, we must not linger here any longer. It is time for us to restore Lady HILDA to her parents." As HOLES uttered these words remarkable thing happened. Round the corner of the crag on which we were standing came a little native Bokharan telegraph boy. He approached HOLES, salaamed deferentially, and handed him a telegram. HOLES opened it, and read it without moving a muscle, and then handed it to me. This is what I read :

a

To HOLES, Bokhara. "HILDA returned five minutes after you left. Her watch had stopped. Deeply grateful to you for all your trouble. SASSAFRAS." There was a moment's silence, broken by HOLES.

at

66

66 No," he said, we must not blame the Lady HILDA for being Sassafras Court and not in Bokhara. After all, she is young and necessarily thoughtless."

66

Still, HOLES," I retorted, with some natural indignation, "I cannot understand how, after your convincing induction, a girl of any delicacy of feeling can have remained away from Bokhara." "I knew she would do so," said my friend, calmly. "HOLES, you are more wonderful than ever,' was all that I could murmur. So that is the true story of Lady HILDA CARDAMUMS' return to her family.

DANGER!

IN our London streets, for native or stranger,

We ought to have notice-boards warning of "Danger!"
Like those on the Thames near the weirs and locks.
When Premiers collide, and when Princes get shocks,
In cabs or in carriages, King Street way driving,
'Tis time that street warnings the wise were contriving.
For now it is clear that you might as well try
To steer a balloon through a thundery sky,
Or take a stroll near the setting of sun
In a suburb where cads upon bicycles run;
Or command-or serve in an ironclad fleet,
As-take a drive down St. James's Street!

THE LITTLE OLD (PARLIAMENTARY) WOMAN, HER (NEWCASTLE PROGRAMME) SHOE, AND HER IMPORTUNATE CHILDREN.

["Inspired, as it may be presumed, by the more or less remote prospect of the termination of the Home-Rule debate, the political creditors of the Government are vieing with one another in urging their respective claims to priority of payment."-Morning Post.

"Their bills are the promises of the Newcastle Programme."-Times.]