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Apicius. No:-the muræna was a falt-water fish, and kept in ponds into which the fea was admitted.

Darteneuf. Why then I dare fay our lampreys are better. Did you ever eat any of them potted or ftewed?

Apicius. I was never in Britain. Your country then was too barbarous for me to go thither. I fhould have been afraid that the Britons would have eat me.

Darteneuf. I am forry for you, very forry for if you never were in Britain, you never eat the best oysters in the whole world.

Apicius. Pardon me, Sir, your Sandwich oyfters were brought to Rome in my time.

Darteneuf. They could not be fresh : they were good for nothing there:-You fhould have come to Sandwich to eat them: it is a fhame for you that you did not. An epicure talk of danger when he is in fearch of a dainty! did not Leander fwim over the Hellefpont to get to his miftrefs? and what is a wench to a barrel of excellent oyf

ters ?

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Apicius. Nay-I am fure you cannot blame me for any want of alertnefs in seeking fine fishes. I failed to the coaft of Afric, from Minturnæ in Campania, only to tafte of one fpecies, which I heard was larger there than it was on our coaft, and finding that I had received a falfe information, I returned again without deigning to land.

Darteneuf. There was fome fenfe in that: but why did you not alfo make a voyage to Sandwich? Had you tafted thofe oysters in their perfection, you would never have come back: you would have eat till you burft.

Apicius. I wish I had: It would have been better than poisoning myself, as I did, becaufe, when I came to make up my accounts, I found I had not much above the poor fum of fourfcore thousand pounds left, which would not afford me a table to keep me from ftarving.

Darteneuf. A fum of fourfcore thoufand pounds not keep you from ftarving! would I had had it! I should not have spent it in twenty years, though I had kept the beft table in London,

fuppofing I had made no other ex. pence.

Apicius. Alas, poor man! this fhews. that you English have no idea of the luxury that reigned in our tables. Be fore I died, I had spent in my kitchen 807,291 l. 13 s. 4 d.

Darteneuf. I do not believe a word of it: there is an error in the account.

Apicius. Why, the establishment of Lucullus for his fuppers in the Apollo, I mean for every fupper he eat in the room which he called by that name, was 5000 drachms, which is in your money 16147. 11 s. 8 d.

Darteneuf. Would I had fupped with. him there! But is there no blunder in

thefe calculations ?

Apicius. Afk your learned men that. I count as they tell me.-But perhaps you may think that these feafts were only made by great men, like Lucullus, who had plundered all Afia to help him in his houfe-keeping. What will you fay when I tell you, that the player Efopus had one difh that coft him 6000 feftertia, that is, 4843/. 10s. English.

Darteneuf. What will I fay! why, that I pity poor Cibber and Booth; and that, if I had known this when I was alive, I should have hanged myself for vexation that I did not live in those days.

Apicius. Well you might, well you might.-You do not know what eating is. You never could know it. Nothing lefs than the wealth of the Roman empire is fufficient to enable a man to keep a good table. Our players were richer by far than your princes.

Darteneuf. Oh that I had but lived in the bleffed reign of Caligula, or of Vitellius, or of Heliogabalus, and had been admitted to the honour of dining with their slaves!

Apicius. Aye, there you touch me.-I am miferable that I died before their good times. They carried the glories of their table much farther than the best eaters of the age that I lived in. Vitellius fpent in eating and drinking, within one year, what would amount in your money to above feven millions two hundred thoufand pounds. He told me fo himself in a conversation I had with

him

him not long ago. And the others you mentioned did not fall fhort of his royal magnificence.

Darteneuf. These indeed were great princes. But what affects me moft is the dish of that player, that dd fellow fopus. I cannot bear to think of his having lived fo much better than I. Pray, of what ingredients might the dish he paid fo much for confift?

Apicius. Chiefly of finging birds. It was that which fo greatly enhanced the price.

Darteneuf. Offinging birds! choak him!-I never eat but one, which I ftole from a lady of my acquaintance, and all London was in an uproar about it, as if I had ftolen and roafted a child. But, upon recollection, I begin to doubt whether I have fo much reafon to envy Efopus; for the finging bird which I eat was no better in its tafte than a fat lark or thrush; it was not fo good as a wheatear or becafigue; and therefore I fufpect that all the luxury you have bragged of was nothing but vanity and foolish expence. It was like that of the fon of Elopus, who diffolved pearls in vinegar, and drunk them at fupper. 1 will be dd, if a haunch of venis fon, and my favourite ham-pye, were not much better dishes than any at the table of Vitellius himfelf. I do not find that you had ever any good foups, without which no man of taste can poffibly dine. The rabbits in Italy are not fit to eat; and what is better than the wing of one of our English wild rabbits? I have been told that you had no turkies. The mutton in Italy is very ill flavoured; and as for your boars roafted whole, I defpife them; they were only fit to be ferved up to the mob at a corporation feaft, or election dinner. A fmall barbecued hog is worth a hundred of them; and a good collar of Shrewsbury brawn is a much better dish.

Apicius. If you had fome kinds of meat that we wanted, yet our cookery must have been greatly fuperior to yours. Our cooks were fo excellent, that they could give to hog's flesh the taste of all other meats.

Darteneuf. I should not have liked

their dd imitations. You might as eafily have imposed on a good connoiffeur the copy of a fine picture for the original. Our cooks, on the contrary, give to all other meats a rich flavour of bacon, without deftroying that which makes the diftinction of one from another. I have not the least doubt that our effence of hams is a much better fauce than any that ever was used by the ancients. We have a hundred ra

gouts, the compofition of which exceeds all defcription. Had yours been as good, you could not have lolled, as you did, upon couches, while you were eating; they would have made you fit up and attend to your business. Then you had a custom of hearing things read to you while you were at fupper. This fhews you were not fo well entertained as we are with our

meat.

For my own part, when I was at table, I could mind nothing elfe: I neither heard, faw, nor fpoke: I only fmelt and tafted. But the worst of all is, that you had no wine fit to be named with good claret or Burgundy, or Champagne, or old hock, or Tokay. You boafted much of your Falernum; but I have tafted the Lachrymæ Chrifti, and other wines that grow upon the fame coaft, not one of which would I drink above a glafs or two of if you would give me the kingdom of Naples. You boiled your wines and mixed water with them, which fhews that in themfelves they were not fit to drink.

Apicius. I am afraid you beat us in wines, not to mention your cyder, perry, and beer, of all which I have heard great fame from fome English with whom I have talked ; and their report has been confirmed by the teftimony of their neighbours who have travelled into England. Wonderful things have been alfo faid to me of a liquor called punch.

Darteneuf. Ayeto have died without tafting that is unhappy indeed! There is rum-punch and arrack-punch; it is hard to fay which is beft: but Jupiter would have given his nectar for either of them, upon my word and honour ?

Apicius. The thought of it puts me into a fever with thirft. From whence do you get your arrack and your rum? Darteneuf.

Darteneuf. Why, from the Eaft and West Indies, which you knew nothing of. That is enough to decide the difpute. Your trade to the East Indies was very far fhort of what we carry on, and the West Indies were not difcovered. What a new world of good things for eating and drinking has Columbus opened to us! Think of that, and despair.

Apicius. I cannot indeed but lament my ill fate, that America was not found before I was born. It tortures me when I hear of chocolate, pine-apples, and twenty other fine meats or fine fruits produced there, which I have never tafted. What an advantage it is to you, that all your sweetmeats, tarts, cakes, and other delicacies of that nature, are fweetened with fugar inftead of honey, which we were obliged to make ufe of for want of that plant! but what grieves me most is, that I never eat a turtle; they tell me that it is abfolutely the best of all foods.

Darteneuf. Yes, I have heard the Americans fay fo:-but I never eat any; for, in my time, they were not brought over to England.

Apicius. Never eat any turtle! how did thou dare to accufe me of not go ing to Sandwich to eat oysters, and didst not thyself take a trip to America to riot on turtles ? but know, wretched man, that I am informed they are now as plentiful in England as sturgeon. There are turtle-boats that go regularly to London and Bristol from the Weft Indies. I have juft feen a fat alderman, who died in London last week of a furfeit he got at a turtle feaft in that city.

Darteneuf. What does he fay? Does he tell you that turtle is better than venison ?

Apicius. He fays there was a haunch of venifon untouched, while every mouth was employed on the turtle; that he ate till he fell asleep in his chair; and, that the food was fo whole fome he should not have died, if he had not unluckily caught cold in his fleep, which flopped his perfpiration, and hurt his digestion.

Darteneuf Alas! how imperfect is human felicity! I lived in an age when

the pleasure of eating was thought to be carried to its highest perfection in England and France; and yet a turtle feaft is a novelty to me! Would it be impoffible, do you think, to obtain leave from Pluto of going back for one day, juft to tafte of that food? I would promife to kill myfelf by the quantity I would eat before the next morning.

Apicius. You have forgot, Sir, that you have no body: that which you had has been rotten a great while ago; and you can never return to the earth with another, unless Pythagoras carries you thither to animate that of a hog. But comfort yourself, that, as you have ate dainties which I never tasted, fo the next ge neration will cat fome unknown to the prefent. New difcoveries will be made, and new delicacies brought from other parts of the world. We must both be philofophers. We must be thankful for the good things we have had, and not grudge others better, if they fall to their fhare. Confider that, after all, we could but have eat as much as our ftomachs would hold, and that we did every day of our lives.-But fee, who comes hither? I think it is Mercury.

Mercury. Gentlemen, I must tell you that I have ftood near you invisible," and heard your difcourfe; a privilege which we deities ufe when we please. Attend therefore to a discovery which I fhall make to you, relating to the fubject upon which you were talking. I know two men, one of whom lived in ancient, and the other in modern times, that had more pleasure in eating than either of you ever had in your lives.

Apicius. One of thefe, I prefume, was a Sybarite, and the other a French gentleman fettled in the Weft-Indies.

Mercury. No; one was a Spartan foldier, and the other an English farmer. I fee you both look aftonished; but what I tell you is truth. The foldier never ate his black broth till the exercifes, to which by their difciplinethe Spartan troops were obliged, had got him fuch an appetite, that he could have gnawed a bone like a dog. farmer was out at the tail of his plough, or fome other wholefome labour, from morning till night; and when he came home his wife dreffed him a piece of

The

good

good beef, or a fine barn-door fowl and pudding, for his dinner, which he ate much more ravenously, and confequently with a great deal more relish and pleasure, than you did your tripotanum or your ham-pye. Your ftomachs were always fo overcharged, that I question if ever you felt real hunger, or eat one meal in twenty years without forcing your appetites, which makes all things infipid. I tell you therefore again, that the foldier and the farmer had much more of the joy of eating than you. Darteneuf. This is more mortifying than not to have shared a turtle feaft. I fear indeed we have been in quite a wrong fyftem, and never had any true notions of pleasure.

Apicius. It is a fad thing not to know what good living is before one is dead. I wish, Mercury, you had taught me your art of cookery in my life-time, or held your tongue about it here.

Dialogues of the Dead.

$ 25. Scene between IAGO and CASSIO, in which CASSIO regrets his Folly in getting drunk.

Iago. What are you hurt, Lieute

nant?

Caf. Paft all furgery.
lego. Marry, Heav'n forbid !

Caf. Reputation, reputation, reputation! Oh I have loft my reputation! I have loft the immortal part of myself, and what remains is beftial. My reputation! Iago, my reputation

Iago. As I am an honeft man, I thought you had received fome bodily wound there is more fenfe in that, than in reputation. Reputation is an idle and moft falfe impofition: oft got without merit, and loft without deferving. What, man!-there are ways to recover the general again. Sue to him, and he's yours.

Caf. I will rather fue to be defpis'd. Drunk! and fquabble! fwagger! fwear! and difcourfe fuftian with one's own fhadow! Oh thou invincible spirit of wine! if thou haft no name to be known by, let us call thee Devil.

Iago. What was he that you follow'd with your word ? what had he done to you?

Caf. I know not.

lago. Is't poffible?

Caf. I remember a mafs of things, but nothing diftinctly; a quarrel, but nothing wherefore. Oh, that men fhould put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains! that we should with joy, pleafance, revel, and applaufe, transform ourselves into beafts!

Iago. Why, but you are now well enough: how came you thus recovered?

Caf. It has pleased the devil Drunkennefs to give place to the devil Wrath; one imperfectness fhews me another, to make me frankly defpife myself.

Iago. Come, you are too fevere a moraler. As the time, the place, and the condition of this country stands, I could heartily with this had not befallen; but fince it is as it is, mend it for your own good.

Caf. I will ask him for my place again he fhall tell me I am a drunkard!--Had I as many mouths as Hydra, fuch an answer would ftop them all. To be now a fenfible man, by and by a fool, and presently a beaft!

-Every inordinate cup is unblefs'd, and the ingredient is a devil.

Iago. Come, come, good wine is a good familiar creature, if it be well us'd exclaim no more against it. And, good Lieutenant, I think you think I love you?

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Caf. I have well approv'd it, Sir.I drunk!

Iago. You, or any man living, may be drunk at fome time, man. I tell you what you fhall do. Our general's wife is now the general. Confefs yourfelf freely to her importune her help, to put you in your place again. She is of fo free, fo kind, fo apt, fo bleffed a difpofition, fhe holds it a vice in her goodness not to do more than she is requefted. This broken joint between you and her husband, entreat her to fplinter; and, my fortunes against any lay worth naming, this crack of your love fhall grow stronger than it was before.

Caf. You advise me well.

Iago. I proteft, in the fincerity of love and honeft kindness.

Caf. I think it freely; and, betimes in the morning, I will befeech the

virtuous

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26. A Dialogue between MERCURY and a modern fine Lady.

Mrs. Modif. Indeed, Mr. Mercury, I cannot have the pleasure of waiting upon you now. I am engaged, abfolutely engaged.

Mercury. I know you have an amiable affectionate husband, and several fine children but you need not be told, that neither conjugal attachments, maternal affections, nor even the care of a kingdom's welfare or a nation's glory, can excufe a person who has received a fummons to the realms of death. If the grim meffenger was not as peremptory as unwelcome, Charon would not get a paffenger (except now and then an hypochondriacal Englishman) once in a century. You must be content to leave your husband and family, and pass the Styx.

Mrs. Modifh. I did not mean to infift on any engagement with my husband and children; I never thought my felf engaged to them. I had no engagements but fuch as were common to women of my rank. Look on my chimney-piece, and you will fee I was engaged to the play on Mondays, balls on Tuesdays, the opera on Saturdays, and to card affemblies the reft of the week, for two months to come; and it would be the rudeft thing in the world not to keep my appointments. If you will ftay for me till the fummer feafon, I will wait on you with all my heart. Perhaps the Elyfian fields may be lefs deteftable than the country in our world. Pray, have you a fine Vauxhall and Ranelagh? I think I should not diflike drinking the Lethe waters, when you have a full feafon.

Mercury. Surely you could not like to drink the waters of oblivion, who have made pleasure the business, end, and aim of your life! It is good to drown cares: but who would wash away the remembrance of a life of gaiety and pleasure ?

Mrs. Modifb. Diverfion was indeed the bufinefs of my life; but as to pleafure, I have enjoyed none fince the novelty of my amufements was gone off. Can one be pleased with seeing the fame thing over and over again? Late hours and fatigue gave me the vapours, fpoiled the natural chearfulness of my temper, and even in youth wore away my youthful vivacity.

Mercury. If this way of life did not give you pleafure, why did you continue in it? I fuppofe you did not think it was very meritorious?

Mrs. Modifh. I was too much engaged to think at all: fo far indeed my manner of life was agreeable enough. My friends always told me diverfions were neceffary, and my doctor affured me diffipation was good for my fpirits ; my husband infifted that it was not; and you know that one loves to oblige one's friends, comply with one's doctor, and contradict one's husband; and befides, I was ambitious to be thought du bon ton

Mercury. Bon ton! what's that, Madam? Pray define it.

Mrs. Modifh. Oh, Sir, excufe me; it is one of the privileges of the bon ton never to define or be defined. It is the child and the parent of jargon. It is— I can never tell you what it is; but I will try to tell you what it is not. In converfation it is not wit; in manners it is not politenefs; in behaviour it is not addrefs; but it is a little like them all. It can only belong to people of a certain rank, who live in a certain manner, with certain perfons who have not certain virtues, and who have certain vices, and who inhabit a certain part of the town. Like a place by courtesy, it gets an higher rank than the person can claim, but which those who have a legal title to precedency dare not difpute, for fear of being thought not to underftand the rules of politenefs. Now, Sir, I have told you as much as I know of it, though I have admired and aimed at it all my life.

Mercury. Then, Madam, you have

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