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SCENE I.--Covent Garden.
Wil. I have given orders, that my post-chaise
shall wait in the broad way by Exeter 'Change, Enter Wilson and MERVIN, booted.
and the moment the lady steps from her chair Wil. My dear Jack, ten thousand thanks for to the chaise, the postilions will crack their your punctuality-ready equipped, I see, to whips, and drive away like lightning. serve your friend.
Mer. You are a romantic fellow! How can you Mer. But how can I serve you, my young possibly imagine, that your hot-headed scheme, Don Quixotte? Am I to be your Sancho, while to run away with this young lady, can ever be your knight-errantship is running away with this executed ? Dulcinea del Toboso?
Wil. From the justice of my cause, Jack.
Mer. Justice! Make that out, and my con- Mer. O she'll run away with you most cerscience will be easy.
tainlyWil. Did not her father's uncle, who was a Wil. I must not lose time then. (Looking at good lawyer, and cheated my father of three his watch.] I must go and take my stand, that fourths of his fortune, leave her near thirty thou- the deer may not escape me. sand pounds? Now, this is my reasoning-Sir Mer. And I'll go and take mine, to help you Toby's uncle ran away with some thousands to carry off the venison-This is very like poachfrom my father, I shall run away with Sir ing, Will—But how will you get admittance Toby's daughter; this will bring the said thou- into Drury-Lane Theatre ? sands back to me again, with which I'll pay off Wil. I was very near being disappointed there; old scores, and strike a balance in my favour, for uoluckily the acting manager, who scarce and get a good wife into the bargain. There's reached to my third button, cocked up his head justice for you!
in my face, and said I was much too tall for a Mer. Aye, justice with a vengeance ! But why hero-however, I got the liberty of the scenes, must Sir Toby be punished for the sins of his by desiring to rehearse Hamlet next week-But uncle?
I hope to cross the Tweed with the fair Ophelia Wil. I'll ease your conscience there, too. My before that time, and finish my stage adventures mother, at my father's death, took me a boy, to by appearing the first time in the character of a Sir Toby and my lady, to solicit their kindness good husband. for me-He gave me half-a-crown to buy gin- Mer. Success attend you! gerbread; and her ladyship, who was combing Wil. This is the day, à fat lap-dog, muttered, • There was no end of Makes me, or mars, for ever and for aye !'maintaining poor relations.'
If I succeed, I shall be restored to my father's Mer. I have not a qualm left-But did you estate, drink claret, and live like a gentleman really pass for a strolling player last summer, to with the wife of my heart; and, egad, for aught have a pretence of being near her father's I know, stand for the county. house?
Mer. If noi, you must be confined to your Wil. Yes, I did; and, as Polonius says, was little one hundred and twenty pounds a year accounted a good actor.
farm, make your own cheese, marry the curate's Mer. What could put that unaccountable daughter, have a dozen children, and brew the frolic in your head?
best October in the parish, Wil. To gain the favour of Sir Toby's family, Wil. Which ever way fortune will dispose of as a strolling player, wbich I could not as a poor me, I shall be always happy to see my friends, relation. They are fond of acting to madness, and never shalt forget my obligations to thee, and my plan succeeded; I was so altered they iny dear Jack. (Shakes him by the hand. did not know me; they liked me much, came Mer. Well, well; let us away–we have too to a benefit which I pretended to bave, invited much business to mind compliments. me to their house, and Miss met me privately,
[Ereunt severally. after I had played Ranger and Lothario.
Mer. Aye, aye, when a young lady's head is SCENE II.—The Play-house. Two Women crammed with combustible scraps of plays,
sweeping the Stage. she is always ready primed, and will go off (if you will allow me a pun) the very first oppor- 1st Wom. Come, Betty; dust away, dust away, tunity.
girl; the managers will be here presently; there's Wil
. I discovered myself to the young lady, no lying in bed for them now, we are up early and her generosity was so great, that she re- and late; all hurry and bustle from morning to solver to marry ine to make me amends; there night; I wonder what the deuce they bave got are refined feelings for you!
into their heads? Mer. Aye, double refined !she is more ro- 2d Wom. Why, to get money, Mrs. Besom, to mantic than you, Will—But did not you run a be sure ; the folks say about us, that the other great risque of losing her, when she knew you house will make them stir their stumps, and was only a gentleman, and not a player? they'll make us stir ours: If they are in motion,
Wil. Read that letter, and tell me if my cas- we must not stand still, Mrs. Besom. tles are built in the air? [Gives a letter. 1st Wom. Ay, ay, girl, they have met with
their match, and we shall all suffer for it; for Mer. [Reads.] : I shall be with my papa and my part, I can't go through the work, if they are mammu to see a rehearsal at Drury-Lane Play- always in this plaguy hurry; I have not drank house on Tuesday morning; if my present incli- a comfortable disb of reu, since the house nations hold, and my heart does not fail me, I may opened. convince honest Ranger, what confidence I have 2d Wom. One had better die than be scolded in his honour.-Postcript.- If I don't see you and hurried about as we are by the housethen, I don't know when I shall see you, för we keeper ; he takes us all for a parcel of negers, return into the country nert week.'
I believe: pray, give us a pinch of your snuff,
Mrs. Besom. Wil. Well, what think you?
[They lean upon their brooms, and take şauf.
1st Wom. Between you and I Betty, and our | as he pleases, with all the proper scenes dresses, two brooms, the house-keeper is grown a little machinery, and music; so, what signifies all our purse-proud; he thinks bimself a great actor prating? forsooth, since he played the Scotch fellow, and Saun. Very little, as you say—but damn all the fat cook in Queen Mab.
these new vagaries, that put us all upon our 2d Wom. The quality spoils him too: why, heads topsy versy!—my men bave sat up all woman, he talks to them for all the world as if night, and I have finished every thing but the he was a lord !
Dancing Cows. 1st Wom. I shall certainly resign, as the great Hop. Bless my heart, man, the author defolks call it in the newspaper, if they won't pro- pends most upon his cows ! mise to give me the first dresser's place that falls, Saun. His cows! bow came they to be his? and make our little Tommy a page; what, wo- they are my cows ;—these poets are pretty felman! though we are well paid for our work, lows, faith? they say, I'll bave a flying devil, or we ought to make sure of something when our a dancing bear, or any such conundrum ; why, brooms are taken from us—'tis the fashion, 'tis easily said, but who is to make them fly, and Betty
dance? ha, Master Prompter? Why, poor Pill 2d Wom. Right, right, Mrs, Besom; service is Garlic—the audience applauds, the author is no inheritance, and to be always doing dirty conceited; but the capenter is never thought of. work, and to have no prospect to rest, and Hop. These are bold truths, Mr. Saunders. clean ourselves, is the curse only of us poor Saun. Why, then, out with them, I say-great folks.
men spin the brains of the little ones, and take 1st Wom. You and I will drink a dish of tea the credit of them. Do you know how I was together in comfort this afternoon, and talk over served in our dramatic romance of Cymon? these and other matters—but mum-here's the Hop. You did your business well there, parprompter, [They sing, and sweep again. ticularly in the last scene.
Saun. And what was the consequence? One Enter HOPKINS.
fine gentleman in the boxes said, my master
brought it from Italy — No, damn it, (says anHop. Come, come, away with your brooms, other, taking snuff') I saw the very same thing at and clear the stage; the managers will be here Paris ;' when you all know here, behind the directly. (The Sweepers hurry off.] Where are scenes, that the whole design came from this the carpenters ?--Carpenters!
head; and the execution from these hands—but
nothing can be done by an Englishman now a A Carpenter above.
days; and so your servant, Mr. Hopkins. Car. What do you want, Mr. Hopkins ?
[Going. Hop. What do I want? Come down, and set ordered me to discharge the man at the lightn
Hop. Hark'ye, Saunders ? the managers have the scenes for the new Burletta of Orpheus. Car. We an't ready for it ; the beasts are now
ing; he was so drunk the last time he flashed, in hand—they an't finished.
that he has singed all the clouds on that side Hop. Not finished the beasts! here's fine
[Pointing to the clouds. work! the managers and author will be here burnt a hole in the new cascade, and set fire to
Saun. Yes, yes, I see it; and, harkye? he has directly, and nothing ready-fie, fie, fie!
the shower of rain, but mumSaunders ! Saunders !
Hop. The deuce! he must be discharged diEnter SAUNDERS.
[Exit SAUNDERS. Saun. Here! here !--Zooks, what a bawling
Pat. [Without.) Where's the prompter? you make! do keep your breath for your prompt
Hop. Here I am, sir. ing, Master Hopkins, and send it not after me at this rate-I'm not deaf!
Enter PATENT. Hop. But your men are, and asleep too, I be- Pat. Make haste with your scenes, Saunders; liese I can't get a soul of them near me ; 'tis so, clear the stage, Mr. Hopkins, and let us go to ren o'clock, [Looking at his watch.] and not a business. Is the extraordinary author of this scene prepared for the rehearsal; 'tis I shall be very extraordinary performance come yet! blamed, and not you.
Hop. Not yet, sir, but we shall be soon ready Saun, Blamed for what! Tis but a rehearsal, for him. 'Tis a very extraordinary thing indeed, and of one act only--would you have us to finish to rehearse only one act of a performance, and our work, before the poet has done his? Don't with dresses and decorations, as if it were really pou know, that carpenters are always the last in before an audience. the house and yet you want us to get out of it,
Pat. It is a novelty, indecd, and a little exbefore the author has covered in !
pensive too, but we could not withstand the soHop. You may be as witty as you please; licitations, that were made to us; we shan't often but the managers will do as they please, and repeat the same experiment. they have promised the author to rehearse the Hop. I hope not, sir; 'tis a very troublesome first act of his Burletta of Orpheus this morning, one, and the performers murmur greatly at it.
Pat. When do the performers not murmur, | deed of any body else ; a very tolerable one of Mr. Hopkins? Has any morning passed in your himself-and so I believe he'll come-You untime without some grievance or another? derstand memha, ha, ha! Hop. I have balf a dozen now in my pocket Pat. I do, sir—But, pray, Mr. Glib, why did
[Feeling in his pocket for papers. not you complete your burletta-'tis very new Pat. O, pray, let's have them ! my old break with us to rehearse but one act only? fast-[Prompter gives them.]And the old story Glib. By a sample, Mr. Patent, you may -Actresses quarrelling about parts; there's not know the piece: if you approve, you shall never one of them but thinks herself young enough for want novelty; I am a very spider at spinning any part; and not a young one but thinks her- my own brains, ha, ha, ha! always at it, spin, self capable of any part ! But their betters quar- spin, spin—you understand me? rel about what they are not fit for; so our la- Pat. Extremely well-In your second act, I dies have, at least, great precedents for their suppose, you intend to bring Orpheus into folly.
bell? Hop. The young fellow from Edinburgh won't Glib. O yes, I make him play the devil there; accept of the second lord ; he desires to have I send bim for some better purpose than to fetch the first.
his wife, ha, ha, ha! Don't mistake me while Pat. I don't doubt it-Well, well, if the au- he is upon earth, I make him very good sort thor can make him speak English, I have no ob- of man-He keeps a mistress, indeed, but his jection.
wife's dead, you know; and, were she alive, not Hop. Mr. Rantly is indisposed, and can't play much harm in that, for I make him a man of fato-morrow,
shion-Fashion, you know, is all in all - You Pat. Well, well, let his lungs rest a little; understand me? Upon a qualm of conscience, be they want it, I'm sure. What a campaign shall quits his mistress, and sets out for hell, with a we make of it! all our subalterns will be ye- resolution to fetch his wife neral officers ; and our generals will only fight Pat. Is that, too, like a man of fashion, Mr. when they please.
Glib? Glib. [Without.] O he's upon the stage, is he? Glib. No, that's the moral part of him—He's I'll go to him
a mixed character-but, as he approaches and Pat. Here comes the author; do you prepare gets into the infernal regions, his principles melt the people for the rehearsal ; desire them to be away by degrees, as it were by the heat of the as careful, as if they were to perform before an climate; and finding that his wife, Eurydice, is audience.
kept by Pluto, he immediately makes up to ProHop. I will, sir-Pray let us know when we serpine, and is kept by her ; then they all four must begin.
[Erit, agree matters amicably-Change partners, as
one may say, make a genteel partie quarrée, and Enter Glib.
finish the whole with a song and a chorus--and
a stinger it is—The subject of the song is, the Glib. Dear Mr. Patent, am not I too late? Do old proverb, “exchange is no robbery," and the make me happy at once; I have been upon the chorus runs thusrack this balf hour-But the ladies, Mr. Patent, the ladies
We care not or know, Pat. But where are the ladies, sir?
Io matters of love, Glib. They'll be bere in the drinking of a cup
What is doing above, of tea ; I left them ail at breakfast; Lady Fuz But this, this is the fashion below. can't stir from home without some refreshinent. Sir Macaroni Virtu was not come, when I left I believe that's true satire, Mr. Patent; strong them; he generally sits up all night, and if he and poignant; you understand me? gets up before two o'clock, he only walks in his Pat. O very well! 'uis Chian pepper indeed; sleep all the rest of the day-He is perhaps the a little will go a great way. most accomplished connoisseur in the three king- Glib. I make Orpheus see, in my hell, all doms; yet he is never properly awake till other sorts of people, of all degrees, and occupations ; people yo to bed! however, if he should come, ay, and of both sexes-that's not very unnatural, our little performance, I believe, will rouse him, I believe-there shall be very good company, ha, ba, ha! you understand me! A pinch of too, I assure you; high life below stairs, as I call cephalic only.
it, ha, ha, ha! you take me-a double edge-00 'Pat. I bave the honour of knowing bim a boy’s-play-rip and tear--the times require itlittle-Will Sir Macaroni be here?
fortè, fortissimèGlib. Wby, he promised, but he's too polite Pat. Won't it be too forte? Take care, Mr. to be punctual-You understand me? ba, ba, Glib, not to make it so inuch above proof, that ha !-however, I am pretty sure we shall see the boxes can't taste it. Take care of empty him-I have a secret for you--not a soul must boxes ! know it—he has composed two of the songs in Glib. Empty boxes! I'll engage, that my my burletta-An admirable musician, but par- Cerberus alone shall fix the boxes for a month. ticular-He has no great opinion of me, nor in- Pat. Cerberus !
Glib. Be quiet a little. You know, I suppose, Pat. I will prepare some tea and chocolate in that Cerberus is a dog, and has three heads? the green-room for the ladies, while the prompter Pat. I have heard as much.
prepares matters for the rehearsal. Glib. Then you shall see some sport-He Lady Fuz. I never breakfast but once a day, shall be a comical dog, too, I warrant you, ha, Mr. Manager ; Sir Toby, indeed, never refuses ba, ha!
any thing at any time; he's at it from inorning Pat. What, is Cerberus a character in your till night. performance?
Sir Toby. I love to be social, my dear; beGlib. Capital, capital! I have thrown all my sides, trifiling with tea, chocolate, macaroons, fancy and invention into his mouth, or rather bisquets, and such things, is never reckoned mouths—there are three of them, you know. eating, you know.
Pat. Most certainly, if there are three heads. Glib. You are indefatigably obliging, Mr. PaGlib. Poh, that's nothing to what I have in tent.
[Erit Patent. petto for you-Observe me now—when Orpheus Miss Fuz. Bless me, papa, what a strange comes to the gates of hell, Cerberus stops him— place this is ! I am sure I should not have known but how, how-now for it-guess
it again—I wonder where he is! I wish I could Pat. Upon my soul, I can't gues.
get a peep at him; and yet I am frighted out of Glib. I make his three heads sing a trio.
[Aside, and looking about. Pat. A trio?
Sir Toby. Now the manager is gone, one may Glib. A trio! I knew I should hit you-a venture to say, that the play-house is no morntrio, treble, tenor, and bass—and what shåll they ing beauty; paint and candle-light are as great sing? nothing in the world but, Bow, wow, wow? friends to the theatres, as to the ladies; they Orpbeus begins
wrinkles-don't they, Mr. Glib? ha,
Glib. You have hit it, Sir Toby, and this is
[Sir Toby shews his daughter the scenes. Bow, wow, wow!
Lady Fuz. (Looking about with a glass.] My
dear Sir Toby, you, you may be as sarcastical Treble, tenor, and bass, Then Orpheus shall as you please; but I protest, a play-house is a tickle his lyre, and treble, tenor, and bass, shall prodigious odd sort of a thing, now there is nofall asleep by degrees, and one after another, body in it is it not, Sir Macaroni? fainter and fainter-Bow, wow, wow-fast, you Sir Mac. O yes, and a prodigious odd sort of understand me!
a thing, when 'tis full too-1 abominate a playPat. Very ingenious, and very new- -I hope house; my ingenious countrymen have no taste the critics will understand it.
now for the bigh seasoned comedies; and I am Glib. I will make every body understand it, sure that I have none for the pap and loplolly of or my name is not Derry-down Glib—When I our present writers. write, the whole town shall understand me-You Glib. Bravo, Sir Macaroni! I would not give understand me?
a pin for a play, no more than a partridge, that Pat. Not very clearly, sir; but it is no matter has not the fumet. -Here's your company.
Sir Mac. Not amiss, faith! ha, ha, ha!
Lady Fuz. Don't let us lose time, Mr. Glib; Enter Sir Toby, Lady Fuz, Sir MACARONI
if they are not ready for the rehearsal, suppose VIRTU, and Miss Fuz.
the manager entertains us with thunder and
lightning, and let us see his traps, and his whims, Glib. Ladies and gentlemen, you do me ho- and harlequin pantomimes. Dour; Mr. Patent, Sir Toby, and Miss Fuz, and Sir Toby. And a shower of rain, or an eclipse; this, Sir Macaroni Virtu. (All bow and curtsey.] and I must beg one peep at the Patagonians. Sir Toby, one of the managers.
Miss Fuz. Pray, Mr. Glib, let us have some [Introducing Patent. thunder and lightning. Sir Toby. I am one of the manager's most Glib. Your commands shall be obeyed, Miss; humble and obedient.
I'll whip up to the clouds, and be your Jupiter Glib. I take it as a most particular compli- Tonans in a crack.
[Erit. ment, Sir Macaroni, that you would attend my Sir Mac. A play-house in England is to me trifle at so early an hour.
as dull as a church, and fit only to sleep in. Sir Mac. Why, faith, Glib, without a compli- Lady Fuz. Sir Toby thinks so, too.am
-I'll tell tent, I had much rather be in bed than here, or you what happened the last time we were any where else,
[Yawns. there. Lady Fuz. I have a prodigious curiosity to Miss Fuz. Ay, do, my dear lady, tell what see your play-house by day-light, Mr. Manager : happened to papa; 'twas very droll. lave it you, Sir Macaroni?
Sir Toby. F'ie, fie, Fanny !--my lady, you Sir Mac. On0, rny lady, I never have any cu- should not tell tales out of school. Twas an nosity to see it at all.
[Hulf asleep. accident,