lieve. She pretends to be greatly uneasy at your neglect of her; she certainly has some mischief in her head. Lord Min. No intentions, I hope, of being fond of me? Mis Tit. No, no; make yourself easy; she hates you most unalterably. Lord Min. You have given me spirits again. Miss Tit. Her pride is alarmed, that you should prefer any of the sex to her. Lord Min. Her pride then has been alarmed, ever since I had the honour of knowing her. Miss Tit. But, dear my lord, let us be merry and wise; should she ever be convinced, that we have a tendre for each other, she certainly would proclaim it, and then Lord Min. We should be envied, and she Would be laught at, my cousin. Miss Tit. Nay, I would have her mortified, too; for, though I love her ladyship sincerely, I cannot say but I love a little mischief as sincerely; but, then, if my uncle Trotley should know of our affairs, he is so old-fashioned, prudish, and out-of-the-way, he would either strike me out of his will, or insist upon my quitting the house. Lord Min. My good cousin is a queer mortal, that's certain; I wish we could get him handsomely into the country again-he has a fine fortume to leave behind him Miss Tit. But, then, he lives so regularly, and never makes use of a physician, that he may live these twenty years. Sir John. Ay, ay, it is the best way; I'm sorry I disturbed you; you will excuse me, cousin! Lord Min. I am rather obliged to you, Sir John; intense application to these things ruins my health; but one must do it for the sake of the nation Sir John. May be so, and I hope the nation will be the better for it-you'll excuse me ! Lord Min. Excuse you, Sir John! I love your frankness; but why wont you be franker still? we have always something for dinner, and you will never dine at home. love to know what I eat; I hate to travel, where Sir John. You must know, my lord, that I Lord Min. What can we do with the barba-I rian? Miss Tit. I don't know what's the matter with me, but I am really in fear of him: I suppose reading his formal books, when I was in the country with him, and going so constantly to church, with my elbows stuck to my hips, and my toes turned in, has given me these foolish prejudices. SIR JOHN TROTLEY knocking at the door. Lord Min. That horrid dog, my cousin! [Softly. Sir John. [At the door.] Nay, my lord, my lord, I heard you! pray let me speak with you! Lord Min. Ho, Sir John, is it you? I beg your pardon? I'll put up my papers, and open the door. Miss Tit. Stay, stay, my lord! I would not meet him now for the world; if he sees me here, alone with you, he'll rave like a madman; put me up the chimney: any where! [Alarmed. Lord Min. [Aloud.] I'm coming, Sir John! -here, here, get behind my great chair! he don't know my way; and since you have brought in foreign fashions and figaries, every thing and every body are in masquerade; your men and manners too, are as much frittered and fricasseed, as your beef and mutton; I love a plain dish, my lord. Miss Tit. I wish I was out of the room, or he at the bottom of the Thames. [Peeping. Sir John. But to the point. I came, my lord, to open my mind to you about my niece Tittup; shall I do it freely? Miss Tit. Now for it! Lord Min. The freer the better; Tittup's a fine girl, cousin, and deserves all the kindness you can show her. [LORD MINIKIN and TITTUP makes signs ut each other. Sir John. She must deserve it though, before she shall have it; and I would have her begin with lengthening her petticoats, covering her shoulders, and wearing a cap upon her head. Miss Tit. O, frightful! [Aside. Lord Min. Don't you think a taper leg, falling shoulders, and fine hair, delightful objects, Sir John? Sir John. And, therefore, ought to be concealed; 'tis their interest to conceal them. When you take from the men the pleasure of imagination, there will be a scarcity of husbands; and then taper legs, falling shoulders, and fine hair, may be had for nothing. Lord Min. Well said, Sir John! ha, ha, ha! your niece shall wear a horseman's coat and jack-boots to please you-ha, ha, ha! Sir John. You may sneer, my lord; but, for all that, I think my niece in a bad way; she must leave me and the country, forsooth, to see good company and fashions; I have seen them too, and wish from my heart, that she is not much worse for her journey-you'll excuse me! Lord Min. But why in a passion, Sir John?[My lord nods and laughs at MISS TITTUP, who peeps from behind.] Don't you think that my lady and I shall be able and willing to put her into the road? Sir John. Zounds, my lord, you are out of it yourself! This comes of your travelling; all the town know how you and my lady live together; and I must tell you-you'll excuse me! that my niece suffers by the bargain. Prudence, my lord, is a very fine thing. Lord Min. So is a long neckcloth nicely twisted into a button-hole; but I dont chuse to wear one-you'll excuse me! Sir John. I wish that he, who first changed long neck cloths for such things as you wear, had the wearing of a twisted neckcloth, that I would give him. Lord Min. Prithee, baronet, don't be so horridly out of the way! Prudence is a very vulgar virtue, and so incompatible with our present ease and refinement, that a prudent man of fashion is now as great a miracle as a pale woman of quality; we got rid of our mauvaise honte, at the time we imported our neighbours' rouge, their morals. and Sir John. Did you ever hear the like? I am not surprised, my lord, that you think so lightly, and talk so vainly, who are so polite a husband; your lady, my cousin, is a fine woman, and brought you a fine fortune, and deserves bet ter usage. is much at your service. Sir Tan Tivy, will certainly break his neck; and then my friend will be a happy man. Sir John. Here's morals! a happy man, when his brother has broke his neck!—a happy man! mercy on me! Lord Min. Why, he'll have six thousand ayear, Sir John! Sir John. I dont care what he'll have, nor don't care what he is, nor who my niece marries; she is a fine lady, and let her have a fine gentleman: I shan't hinder her. I'll away into the country to-morrow, and leave you to your fine doings; I have no relish for them, not I; I can't live among you, nor eat with you, nor game with you; I hate cards and dice; I will neither rob, nor be robbed; I am contented with what I have; and am very happy, my lord, though my brother has not broke his neckYou'll excuse me ! [Exit. Lord Min. Ha, ha, ha! Come, fox; come out of your hole! Ha, ha, ha! Miss Tit, Indeed, my lord, you have undone me; not a foot shall I have of Trotley manor that's positive!-But no matter; there's no danger of his breaking his neck; so, I'll e'en make myself happy with what I have, and behave to him for the future, as if he was a poor relation. Lord Min. [Kneeling, snatching her hand, and kissing it.] I must kneel, and adore you for your spirit, my sweet, heavenly Lucretia! Re-enter SIR JOHN. Sir John. One thing I had forgot- [Starts. Miss Tit. Ha! he's here again! Sir John. Why, what the devil!-heigho!— my niece Lucretia, and my virtuous lord, studying speeches for the good of the nation !— Yes, yes, you have been making fine speeches, indeed, my lord! and your arguments have pre Lord Min. Will you have her, Sir John? shevailed, I see! I beg your pardon, I did not mean very Sir John. Profligate! What did you marry her for, my lord? Lord Min. Convenience- -Marriage is not, now-a-days, an affair of inclination, but convenience; and they who marry for love, and such old fashioned stuff, are to ine as ridiculous as those, who advertise for an agreeable companion in a post-chaise. Sir John. I have done, my lord! Miss Tittup shall either return with me into the country, or not a penny shall she have from Sir John Trotley, Baronet. [Whistles and walks about. Miss Tit. I am frightened out of my wits! [LORD MINIKIN sings, and sits down. Sir John. Pray, my lord, what husband is this you have provided for her? Lord Min. A friend of mine; á man of wit and a fine gentleman. Sir John. May be so, and yet make a damned husband for all that-You'll excuse me?-What estate has he, pray? Lord Min. He's a colonel; his elder brother, to interrupt your studies-you'll excuse me, my lord! Lord Min. [Smiling, and mocking him.] You'll excuse me, Sir John! Sir John. O yes, my lord; but I am afraid the devil won't excuse you at the proper time!— Miss Lucretia, how do you, child? You are to be married soon-I wish the gentleman joy; Miss Lucretia, he is a happy man, to be sure, and will want nothing but the breaking of his brother's neck to be completely so! Miss Tit. Upon my word, uncle, you are always putting bad constructions upon things; my lord has been soliciting me to marry his friend-and having that moment-extorted a consent from me he was thanking-and-and wishing me joy-in his foolish manner [Hesitating. Sir John. Is that all?-But how came you here child? did you fly down the chimney, or in at the window? for I don't remember seeing you, when I was here before. Miss Tit. How can you talk so, Sir John? — You really confound me with your suspicions; and then, you ask so many questions, and I have you are so furious, I must come to terms, I think so many things to do, that-that-upon my-Keep your eyes upon me at the ball-I think word, if I don't make haste, I shan't get my dress I may expect that-and when I drop my handready for the ball; so I must run- -You'll ex- kerchief, 'tis your signal for pursuing; I shall cuse me, uncle! [Exit running. get home as fast as I can, you may follow me as Sir John. A fine hopeful young lady that, my fast as you can; my lord and Tittup will be lord? otherwise employed: Gymp will let us in the back way-No, no, my heart misgives me! Lord Min. She's well bred, and has wit. Sir John. She has wit and breeding enough to laugh at her relations, and bestow favours on your lordship! but I must tell you plainly, my lord-you'll excuse me-that your marrying your lady, my cousin, to use her ill, and sending for my niece, your cousin, to debauch her Lord Min. You're warm, Sir John, and don't know the world, and I never contend with ignorance and passion; live with me some time, and you'll be satisfied of my honour and good intentions to you and your family. In the mean time, command my house; I must away immediately to lady Filligree's-and I am sorry you won't make one with us.-Here, Jessamy, give me my domino, and call a chair; and don't let my uncle want for any thing-You'll excuse me, Sir John; tol, lol, de rol, &c. [Erit singing. Sir John. The world's at an end-here's fine work! here are precious doings! This lord is a pillar of state, too! no wonder that the building is in danger with such rotten supporters!-heigh ho!-And then my poor lady Minikin, what a friend and husband she is blessod with! let me consider!-Should I tell the good woman of these pranks? I may only make more mischief, and, mayhap, go near to kill her; for she's as tender as she's virtuous-Poor lady! I'll e'en go and comfort her directly, and endeavour to draw her from the wickedness of this town into the country, where she shall have reading, fowling, and fishing, to keep up her spirits; and when I die, I will leave her that part of my fortune, with which I intended to reward the virtues of Miss Lucretia Tittup, with a plague to her! [Exit. Col. Tivy. Then I am miserable! Lady Min. Nay, rather than you should be miserable, colonel, I will indulge your martial spirit; meet me in the field; there's my gauntlet. [Throws down her glove. Col. Tivy. [Seizing it.] Thus I accept your sweet challenge; and, if I fail you, may I, hereafter, both in love and war, be branded with the name of coward! [Kneels and kisses her hand. Enter SIR JOHN, opening the door. Sir John. May I presume, cousinLady Min. Ha! [Squalls. Sir John. Mercy upon us, what are we at now! [Looks astonished. Lady Min. How can you be so rude, Sir John, to come into a lady's room without first knocking at the door? you have frightened me out of my wits! Sir John. I am sure you have frightened me out of mine! Col. Tivy. Such rudenes deserves death! Sir John. Death, indeed! for I never shall recover myself again-All pigs of the same sty! all studying for the good of the nation! voke him. mit me. Lady Min. We must sooth him, and not pro[Half aside to the COLONEL. Col. Tivy. I would cut his throat, if you'd per [Aside to LADY MINIKIN. Sir John. The devil has got his hoof in the house, and has corrupted the whole family! I'll get out of it as fast as I can, lest he should lay hold of me too! [Going Lady Min. Sir John, I must insist upon your not going away in a mistake. Sir John. No mistake, my lady; I am thoroughly convinced-Mercy on me! SCENE II.-LADY MINIKIN'S Apartment. Lady Min. I must beg you, Sir John, not to LADY MINIKIN and COLONEL TIVY discovered make any wrong constructions upon this accident! you must know, that the moment you was Lady Min. Don't urge it, colonel! I can't at the door-I had promised the colonel no lonthink of coming home from the masquerade this ger to be his enemy in his designs upon Miss evening. Though I should pass for my niece, it Tittup-this threw him into such a rapturewould make an uproar among the servants; and that, upon my promising my interest with you perhaps, from the mistake, break off your match--and wishing him joy---he fell upon his knees, with Tittup. and-and-[Laughing]-Ha, ha, ha! Col. Tivy. Ha, ha, ha! yes, yes, I fell upon my knees- -and- -and Col. Tivy. My dear Lady Minikin, you know my marriage with your niece is only a secondary consideration; my first and principal object is Sir John. Ay, ay, fell upon your knees, and--you you, madam!-therefore, my dear lady, and---ha, ha!---A very good joke, faith! and the give me your promise to leave the ball with me.best of it is, that they are wishing joy all over the You must, Lady Minikin; a bold young fellow, and a soldier as I am, ought not to be kept from plunder, when the town has capitulated! Lady Min. But it has not capitulated, and, perhaps, never will; however, colonel, since house, upon the same occaion!---and my lord is wishing joy; and I wish him joy, and you, with all my heart! Lady Min. Upon my word, Sir John, your cruel suspicions affect me strongly; and, though my resentment is curbed by my regard, my tears Sir John. Very fine, truly! and so, between cannot be restrained; 'tis the only resource my the crocodile and the bully, my throat is to be innocence has left [Erit, crying. cut ! They are guilty of all sorts of iniquity; and, Col. Tivy. I reverence you, sir, as a relation when they are discovered, no humility, no reto that lady; but, as her slanderer, I detest you : pentance! The ladies have recourse to their Her tears must be dried, and my honour satisfi- tongues or their tears, and the gallants to their ed; you know what I mean; take your choice-- | swords! That I may not be drawn in by the time, place, sword, or pistol ; consider it calmly, | one, or drawn upon by the other, I'll hurry into and determine as you please. I am a soldier, the country, while I retain my senses, and can Sir John! [Erit. | sleep in a whole skin ! [Exit. SCENEI. Enter SIR JOHN, and JESSAMY. ACT II. Sir John. There is no bearing this! what a land are we in! Upon my word, Mr. Jessamy, you should look well to the house; there are certainly rogues about it; for I did but cross the way just now to the pamphlet shop, to buy a Touch of the Times, and they have taken my hanger from my side; ay, and had a pluck at my watch, too; but I heard of their tricks, and had it sewed to my pocket. Jes. Don't be alarmed, Sir John; 'tis a very common thing; and, if you walk the streets without convoy, you will be picked up by privateers of all kinds-Ha, ha! Sir John. Not be alarmed, when I'm robbed! why, they might have cut my throat with my own hanger! I shan't sleep a wink all night; so, pray lend me some weapon of defence; for I am sure, if they attack me in the open street, they'll be with me at night again. Jes. I'll lend you my own sword, Sir John: be assured there's no danger; there's robbing and murder cried every night under my window; but it no more disturbs me, than the ticking of my watch at my bed's head. Sir John. Well, well, be that as it will, I must be upon my guard. What a dreadful place this is; but 'tis all owing to the corruption of the times; the great folks game, and the poor folks rob : no wonder that murder ensues-sad, sad, sad; Well, let me but get over to-night, and I'll leave this den of thieves to-morrow-How long will your lord and lady stay at this masking and mummery, before they come home? Jes. Tis impossible to say the time, sir; that merely depends upon the spirits of the company, and the nature of the entertainment: for my own part, I generally make it myself till four or five in the morning. Sir John. Why, what the devil, do you make one at these masqueradings! Jes. I seldom miss, sir; I may venture to say, that nobody knows the trim and small talk of the place better than I do; I was always reckoned an incomparable mask, | Sir John. Thou art an incomparable coxcomb I am sure. [Aside. Jes. An odd, ridiculous accident happened to ine at a masquerade three years ago; I was in tip-top-spirits, and had drank a little too freely of the champaigne, I believe— Sir John. You'll be hanged, I believe ! [Aside. Jes. Wit flew about-in short, I was in spirits -At last from drinking and rattling, to vary the pleasure, we went to dancing; and who, do you think, I danced a minuet with? He! he! Pray, guess, Sir John! Sir John. Danced a minuet with! [ Half aside. Jes. My own lady, that's all. The eyes of the whole assembly were upon us; my lady dances well, and, I believe, I am pretty tolerable: After the dance, I was running into a little coquetry and small talk with her Sir John. With your lady?Chaos is come again! [dside. Jes. With my lady-but, upon my turning my hand thus-[Conceitedly.]-egad! she caught me; whispered me who I was: I would fain have laughed her out of it; but it would not do--No, no, Jessamy, says she, I am not to be deceived: pray, wear gloves for the future; for you may as well go bare-faced, as show that hand and diamond ring. Sir John. What a sink of iniquity!-Prostitu tion on all sides! from the lord to the pickpocket! [Aside.]—Pray, Mr. Jessamy, among your other virtues, I suppose you game a little, eh, Mr. Jessamy ! Jes. A little whist or so;-but I am tied up from the dice; I must never touch a box again. Sir John. I wish you was tied up somewhere else. [Aside.] I sweat from top to toe! Pray, lend me your sword, Mr. Jessamy; I shall go to my room; and let my lord and lady, and my niece Tittup, know, that I beg they will excuse ceremonies; that I must be up, and gone, before they go to bed; that I have a most profound respect and love for them; and-and-that I hope we shall never see one another again as long as we live. Jes. I shall certainly obey your commandsWhat poor ignorant wretches these country gen tlemen are! [Aside, and erit, Sir John. If I stay in this place another day, it would throw me into a fever!-Oh!-I wish it was morning!-This comes of visiting my relations! Enter Davy, drunk. So, you wicked wretch you-where have you been, and what have you been doing? Davy. Merry-making, your honour--London for ever! Sir John. Did I not order you to come directly from the play, and not be idling and raking about? Dary. Servants don't do what they are bid, in London. Sir John. And did I not order you not to make a jackanapes of yourself, and tie your hair up like a monkey? Dary. And therefore I did it.-No pleasing the ladies without this-My lord's servants call you an old out-of-fashioned codger, and have taught me what's what. to live here all my days-this is life indeed! a SCENE IV.-A chamber in LORD MINIKIN'S house. Enter LORD MINIKIN and MISS TITTUP in masquerade dresses, lighted by JESSAMY. Lord Min. Set down the candles, Jessamy; and should your lady come home, let me know -be sure you are not out of the way. Jes. I have lived too long with your lordship to need the caution-who the devil have we got now? but that's my lord's business, and not mine. [Exit. Miss Tit. [Pulling off her mask.] Upon my word, my lord, this coming home so soon from the masquerade is very imprudent, and will certainly be observed-I am most inconceiva Sir John. Here's an imp of the devil! he is undone, and will poison the whole country!Sirrah, get every thing ready; I'll be going directly. Davy. To bed, sir? I want to go to bed my-bly frightened, I can assure you-my uncle self, sir. Sir John. Why, how now-you are drunk, too, sirrah! Davy. I am a little your honour; because I have been drinking. Sir John That is not all-but you have been in bad company, sirrah! Trotley has a light in his room; the accident this morning will certainly keep him upon the watch-pray, my lord, let us defer our meetings till he goes into the country-I find that my English heart, though it has ventured so far, grows fearful, and awkward to practise the treedoms of warmer climes-[My lord takes her by the hand.]-If you will not desist, my lord we are separated for ever. The sight of Sir John. The fellow does not understand me the precipice turns my head; I have been giddy -Where have you been, you drunkard? with it too long, and must turn from it while I Davy. Drinking, to be sure, if I am a drunk-can-pray be quiet, my lord! I will meet you ard; and, if you had been drinking, too, as I to-morrow. have been, you would not be in such a passion with a body-it makes one so good-natured. Davy. Indeed, your honour's mistaken, I never kept such good company in all my life. Sir John. There is another addition to my misfortunes! I shall have this fellow carry into the country as many vices as will corrupt the whole parish! Davy. I'll take what I can, to be sure, your worship. Sir John. Get away, you beast you! and sleep off the debauchery you have contracted this fortnight, or I shall leave you behind, as a proper person to make one of his lordship's family. Dary. So much the better-give me more wages, less work, and the key of the ale-cellar, and I am your servant; if not, provide yourself with another. [Struts about. Sir John. Here's a reprobate-this is the completion of my misery! but hark'ee, villain! go to bed-and sleep off your iniquity, and then pack up the things, or I'll pack you off to Newgate, and transport you for life, you rascal you! [Exit. Dary. That for you old codger! [Snaps his fingers.] I know the law better than to be frightened with moon-shine. I wish that I was Lord Min. To-morrow! 'tis an age in my situation-let the weak, bashful, coyish whiner, be intimidated with these faint alarms, but let the bold, experienced lover kindle at the danger, and, like the eagle, in the midst of storms, thus pounce upon his prey. [Takes hold of her. Miss Tit. Dear Mr. Eagle, be merciful! pray let the poor pigeon fly for this once. Lord Min. If I do, my dove, may I be cursed to have my wife as fond of me, as I am now of thee. [Offers to kiss her. Jes. [Without, knocking at the door.] My lord, my lord! in? Miss Tit. [Screams.] Ha! Lord Min. Who's there? Jes. [Peeping.] 'Tis I, my lord! may I come Lord Min. Damn the fellow! What's the matter? Jes. Nay, not much, my lord-only my lady's come home. Miss Tit. Then I'm undone-what shall I do? I'll run into my own room! Lord Min. Then she may meet you Jes. There's a dark, deep closet, my lord; miss may hide herself there. |