locksmith in England-so, so! [Forces the door, and goes in.] Sim. He's at his plays again. Odds my heart, he's a rare hand! he'll go through with it, I'll warrant him! Old Codjer must not smoke that I I must be main cautioushave any concern. Lord bless his heart! he's to teach me to act Scrub. He begun with me long ago, and I got as far as the Jesuit, before a went out of town: -Scrub! Coming, sir. Lord, ma'am, I've a whole packet full of news-some say one thing, and some say another; but, for my part, ma'am -I believe he's a Jesuit.'-that's a main pleasant -I believe he's a Jesuit. Enter DICK. 431 Sim. O Lud! this is charming-Hush! I am Sim. But a tester, sir. Dick. A tester!That's something of the least, Master Mathew; let's see it. Sim. You have had fifteen sixpences nowDick. Never mind that, I'll pay you all at my benefit. Sim. I don't doubt that, master -but mum. [Exit. Dick. Thus far we run before the wind. An apothecary! make an apothecary of me!-what! cramp my genius over a pestle and mortar, or Dick. I have done the deed—didst thou not mew me up in a shop, with an alligator stuft, hear a noise ? Sim. No, master; we're all snug. Dick. This coat will do charmingly! I have bilked the old fellow nicely!-In a dark corner of his cabinet, I found this paper; what it is the light will shew. I promise to pay'-ha!— "I promise to pay to Mr. Moneytrap, or order, on demand'-'tis his hand, a note of his; yet more -the sum of seven pounds fourteen shillings and sevenpence, value received by me.'-London, this 15th June, 1755-'Tis wanting what should follow; his name should follow, but 'tis torn off —because the note is paid. Sim. O Lord! Dear sir, you'll spoil allI wish we were well out of the housebest way, master, is to make off directly. -Our Dick. I will, I will; but first help me on with this coat ; Simon, you shall be my dresser; you'll be fine and happy behind the scenes. Sim. O Lud! it will be main pleasant; I have been behind the scenes in the country, when I lived with the man that showeth wild beastices. Dick. Hark'e, Simon; when I am playing some deep tragedy, and cleave the general ear with horrid speech, you must stand between the [Teaches him. bitterly. cry scenes, and Sim. Yes, sir. Dick. And when I'm playing comedy, you must be ready to laugh your guts out, [Teaches him.] for I shall be very pleasant-Tol de roll[Dances.] Sim. Never doubt me sir. run down and open Dick. Very well; now the street-door; I'll follow you in a crack. Sim. I am gone to serve you, masterDick, To serve thyselffor, look'e, Simon, when I am a manager, claim thou of me the care of the wardrobe, with all those moveables, whereof the property-man now stands pos and a beggarly account of empty boxes!-to be culling simples, and constantly adding to the bills of mortality!-No, no! It will be much better to be pasted up in capitals, "The part of Romeo, by a young gentleman, who never appeared on any stage before !'—My ambition fires at the thought- -But hold-mayn't I run some chance of failing in my attempt-hissed-pelted laughed at-not admitted into the Green-room That will never do-Down, busy devil, down! down!-Try it again :-loved by the women, envied by the men, applauded by the pit, clapped by the gallery, admired by the boxes. Dear colonel, is not he a charming creature? My lord, don't you like him of all things? -Makes love like an angel!—What an eye he has!-fine legs!-I'll certainly go to his benefit. -this will Celestial sounds!—And, then, I'll get in with all the painters, and have myself put up in every printshop--in the character of Macbeth!—This is a sorry sight. [Stands in an attitude.] In the character of Richard, Give me another horse! bind up my wounds !-By -O glorious thought!do rarely-and, then, I have a chance of getting -it must be almost nine. heaven I will enjoy it, though but in fancyBut, what's o'clock ? I'll away at once; this is club-night.-'Egad I'll go to them for awhile-the spouters are all met well married little they think I'm in town-they'll be surprized to see me-Off I go, and, then, for my assignation with my master Gargle's daughterPoor Charlotte!-she's locked up, but I shall find means to settle matters for her escape-If she flies She's a pretty theatrical genius-to my arms, like a hawk to its perch, it will be so rare an adventure, and so dramatic an inci dent!-Limbs, do your office, and support me well; bear me but to her, then fail me if you can! [Exit. ACT II. SCENE I.-Discovers the Spouting Club, the Members are seated, and roaring out Bravo! while one stands at a distance- 1st Mem. Cursed be your senate, cursed your constitution! The curse of growing factions and divisions still vex your councils! 2d Mem. Don't you thing his action a little confined? 1st Mem. Psha! you blockhead! don't you know that I'm in chains? 2d Mem. Blockhead say ye?-was not I the first that took compassion on you, when you lay like a sneaking fellow under the counter, and swept your master's shop in a morning? when you read nothing but the Young Man's Pocket Companion, or the True Clerk's Vade Mecum? did not I put Chrononhotonthologos in your hand? -now Pre. That is not the rule I mean; but come, we'll fill a measure the table roundgood digestion wait on appetite, and health on both. All. Huzza, huzza, huzza !~~ Pre. Come, gentlemen, let us have no quarrels. All. Huzza, huzza, Scotch. Gome, now, I'll gee you a touch of Mackbeeth!. 1st Mem. That will be rare! Come let's have it. Scotch. What do'st leer at, mon?—I have had muckle applause at Edinburgh, when I enacted in the Reegiceede; and now I intend to do Macbeeth I saw the dagger yesterneet and I thought I should ha' killed every one that came in my way! Irish. Stand out of the way, lads, and you'll see me give a touch of Othello, my dear[Takes the cork and burns it, and blacks his fuce.] The devil burn the cork! it would not do it fast enough. 1st Mem. Here, here; I'll lend you a helping hand.—[Blacks him.] [Kuocking at the door. 2d Mem. Open locks, whoever knocks. Enter DICK. Dick. How now, ye secret, black, and midnight hugs, what is't ye do? All. Ha! The genius come to town-Huzza, huzza! The genius Dick. How fares the honest partners of my heart? Jack Hopeless, give us your hand— Guildenstern, yours-Ha! Rosencrants-Gentlemen, I rejoice to see ye-But come, the news, the news of the town! Has any thing been damned? Any new performers this winter? How often has Romeo and Juliet been acted? Come, my bucks, inform me; I want news. 1st Mem. You shall know all in good time: but, pr'ythee, my dear boy, how was it? You played at Bristol; let's hear. 2d Mem. Ay; let's have it, dear Dick. Dick. Look ye there, now-Let's have it, dear boy, and dear Dick. 1st Mem. Nay, nay; but how was you received? Dick. Romeo was my part-I touched their souls for them; every pale face from the wells was there, and so on I went-but rot them, never mind them-What bloody scene has Roscius now to act. 1st Mem. Several things; but, Genius, why did you come to us so late? Why did you not come to us in the beginning of the night? Dick. Why, I intended it: but who should I meet in my way but my friend Catcal, a devilish good critic; and so he and I went together, and had our pipes to close the orifice of the stomach, you know; and what do you think I learned of him? Dick. Ever while you live; lay your emphasis upon the epitaph Irish. Arrah, my dear, but what is that same epitaph, now? Dick. Arrah, my dear cousin Mackshane, won't you put a remembrance upon me ? Irish. Ow! but is it mocking you are? Look ye, my dear, if you'd be taking me off-Don't you call it taking off? By my shoul, I'd be making you take yourself off-What? If you're for being obstropolous, I would not matter you three skips of a flea. Dick. Nay, pr'ythee, no offence; I hope we shall be brother-players Irish. Ow! then we'd be very good friends; for, you know, two of a trade can never agree, my dear. Scotch. Locke is certainly reet in his chapter aboot innate ideas; for this mon is born without any at all; and the other mon, yonder, I doot, is no greet heed-piece. Dick. What do you intend to appear in? Irish. Othollo, my dear; let me alone; you'll see how I'll bodder them; though, by my shoul, myshelf does not know but I'd be frightened when every thing is in a hubbub, and nothing to he heard, but throw him over!'-' over with him!-off, off, off the stage! music! 'won't ye ha' some orange-chips?' won't ye ha' some nonpareills?'-Ow! but, may be, the dear craturs in the boxes will be lucking at my legsOw! to be sure-the devil burn the luck they'll give them! Dick. I shall certainly laugh in the fellow's face. [Aside. Irish. Ow! never mind it; let me alone, my dear; may be, I'd see a little round face from Dublin, in the pit, may be I would; but then, won't I be the first gentleman of my name, that turned stage-player? My cousin would rather see me starve like a gentleman, with honour and reputation-myshelf does be ashamed when I think of it. Scotch. Stay till you hear me give a specimen of elocution. Dick. What with that impediment, sir? Scotch. Impeediment! What impediment? I do not leesp, do I? I do not squeent—I am well leemed, am I not? Irish. By my shoul, if you go to that, I am as well timbered myself as any of them; and shall make a figure in genteel and top comedy. Scotch. I'll give you a specimen of Mockbeeth. Irish. Make haste, then; and I'll begin O thollo. Scotch. Is this a dagger that I see before me, &c. Irish. [Collaring him.]—Willain, be sure you prove my love a whore, &c. [Another Member comes forward with his face powdered, and a pipe in his hand.] -I am thy father's spirit, Humlet Dick. Po! Pr'ythee, you're not fat enough for a ghost. Mem. I intend to make my first appearance in it, for all that; only I'm puzzled about one thing -I want to know, when I come on first, whether I should make a bow to the audience? Another Mem. Now, gentlemen, for the true way of dying-[Spreads a blanket.]—now for a little phrenzy [Repeats a dying speech, and rolls himself up in the blanket.] [Watch behind the scenes; past five o'clock, cloudy morning.] Dick. Hey! past five o'clock-'Sdeath, I shall miss my appointment with Charlotte; I have staid too long, and shall lose my proselyte― come, let us adjourn. All. Ay; let us sally forth. Irish. With all my heart; though I should have boddered them finely, if they had staid. Dick. Angels and ministers of grace defend us! 1st Mem. By Heavens I'll tear you joint by joint, and strew this hungry church-yard with your limbs! Dick. Avaunt, and quit my sight! thy bones are marrow less-there's no speculation in those eyes, that thou dost glare withal. Watch. Pr'ythee, don't disturb the peace. A Mem. Be sure you write him down an ass. Dick. Be alive again; and dare me to the desart with thy pole-take any shape but that, and my firm nerves shall never tremble. Watch. Soho, soho! Enter Watchmen from all parts, some drunk, some coughing, &c. 2d Watch. What's the matter there? 1st Watch. Here are the disturbers of the peace-I charge them all Dick. Unmannered slave! advance your halbert higher than my breast, or, by St. Paul, I'll strike thee down, and spurn thee, beggar, for this insolence [They fight, DICK is knocked down. Exeunt Watchmen, fighting the rest. Dick. I have it; it will do; 'Egad, I'll make my escape now-Óh, I am fortune's fool— Enter Watchmen, &c. Watch. Come, bring them along. 1st Mem. Good ruffians, hold a while. 2d Mem. I am unfortunate, but not ashamed of being so. Watch. Come, come; bring them along. Exeunt. SCENE III.-Another street. Enter DICK, with a lanthern and a ladder. Dick. All's quiet here; the coast's clear; now for my adventure with Charlotte; this ladder will do rarely for the business, though it would be better, if it were a ladder of ropes-but hold; have not I seen something like this on the stage? Yes I have in some of the entertainments-Ay; I remember an apothecary; and hereabout he dwells-this is my master Gargle's; being dark, the beggar's shop is shut-What, ho! apothecary!-but soft-What light breaks through yonder window! It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, &c. Char. Who's there? My Romeo? Dick. The same my love; if it not thee displease. Char. Hush! Not so loud; you'll waken my father. Dick. Alas! there's more peril in thy eyeChar. Nay; but, pr'ythee, now I tell you you'll spoil all; what made you stay so long? Dick. Chide not my fair; but let the god of love laugh in thy eyes, and revel in thy heart. Char. As I am a living soul, you'll ruin every thing; be but quiet, and I'll come down to you. [Going. Dick. No, no; not so fast: Charlotte, let us act the garden scene first. Char. A fiddle-stick for the garden scene! Dick. Nay, then, I'll act Ranger-up I go, neck or nothing. Char. Dear heart, you're enough to frighten a body out of one's wits; don't come up; I tell you there's no occasion for the ladder; I have settled every thing with Simon, and he's to let me through the shop, when he opens it. Dick. Well, but I tell you I would not give a farthing for it without the ladder; and 90, up 1 go! Enter SIMON at the door. Sim. Sir, sir; madam, madamDick. Pr'ythee, be quiet, Simon; I am ascending the high top-gallant of my joy. Sim. An't please you, master, my young mistress may come through the shop; I am going to sweep it out, and she may escape that way fast enow. Char. That will do purely; and so do you stay where you are, and prepare to receive me. [Exit from above. Dick. No, no, but that won't take; you shan't hinder me from going through my part-[Goes up.]—A woman, by all that's lucky! Neither old nor crooked; in I go-[Goes in.and, for fear of the pursuit of the family, I'll make sure of the ladder. Sim. Hist, hist, master! leave that there to save me from being suspected. Dick. With all my heart, Simon. [Exit from above. Sim. [Alone.]-Lord love him, how comical he is! It will be fine for me, when we're playing the fool together, to call him brother Starun. Brother Martin. Enter CHARLOTTE. Char. O lud! I'm frighted out of my wits; where is he? Sim. He's a coming, madam-[Calls to him.] —Brother Martin! Enter DICK. Dick. Cuckold him, madam, by all meansI'm your man. Char. Well now, I protest and vow, I wonder how you can serve a body so; feel with what a pit-a-pat action my heart beats. Dick. 'Tis an alarm to love; quick, let me snatch thee to thy Romeo's arms, &c. Watch. [Behind the scenes.]-Past six o'clock, and a cloudy morning. Char. Dear heart don't let us stand fooling here; as I live and breathe, we shall both be taken; do, for Heaven's sake, let us make our Enter Bailiff and his followers. Bail. That's he, yonder, as sure as you're alive; ay, it is: and he has been about some mischief here. Fol. No, no, that an't he; that one wears a laced coat-though I can't say—as sure as a gun, it is her Bail. Ay, I smoked him at once; do you run that way, and stop at the bottom of Catharine street; I'll go up Drury-lane, and, between us both, it will be odds if we miss him. [Exeunt. Enter watchmen. Watch. Past six o'clock, and a cloudy morn ing. Hey-day! what's here! a ladder at Mr. Gargle's window? I must alarm the family: Ho! Mr. Gargle? [Knocks at the door. Gar. Above.]-What's the matter? How comes this window to be open! Ha! A ladder! Who's below, there? 1st Watch. I hope you an't robbed, Mr. Gargle? As I was going my rounds, I found your window open. Gar. I fear this is some of that young dog's tricks; take away the ladder; I must enquire into all this. [Exit. Gar. Dear heart! Dear heart! She's gone! She's gone! My daughter! My daughter! What's the fellow in such a fright for? Sim. Down on your knees-down on your marrowbones-(this will make him think, I know nothing of the matter-bless his heart for teaching me)-down on your marrowbones! Gar. Get up, you, fool! get up-dear heart, I'm all in a fermentation. Enter WINGATE, reading a newspaper. Win. [Reads.] Wanted, on good security, five hundred pounds, for which lawful interest will be given, and a good premium allowed. Whoever this may suit, enquire for S. T. at the Crown and Rolls, in Chancery-lane.' This may be worth looking after. I'll have a good premium; if the fellow's a fool, I'll fix my eye on him; other people's follies are an estate to the man that knows how to make himself useful. So, friend Gargle, you're up early, I see; nothing like rising early? nothing to be got by lying in bed, like a lubberly fellow-what's the matter with you? Ha, ha! You look like a—Ha, ha! Gar. O-no wonder-my daughter, my daugh ter! Win. Your daughter! What signifies a foolish girl! Gar. Oh, dear heart! dear heart! out of the window! that way. Win. Wounds! What business had the fellow with your daughter? Gar. I wish I had never taken him into my house; he may debauch the poor girl Win. And suppose he does-she's a woman, Win. I'll never see the fellow's face. Win. What, are you in the secret, friend? Sim. To be sure; there be secrets in all families-but, for any part, I'll not speak a word pro or con, till there's a piece. Win. You won't speak, sirrah! I'll make you speak- Sim. Who, I, sir? He came home last night from your house, and went out again directly. Win. You saw him, then? Sim. Yes, sir; saw him to be sure, sir: he made me open the shop door for him; he stopped on the threshold, and pointed at one of the clouds, and asked me if it was not like an ouzel? Win. Like an ouzel? Wounds! What's an ouzel? Gar. And the young dog came back in the dead of night to steal away my daughter! Win. I'll tell you what, friend Gargle—I'll think no more of the fellow-let him bite the bridle-I'll go mind my business, and not miss an opportunity. Gar. Good now, Mr. Wingate don't leave me Win. Fallen out of the window! Well, she in this affliction! consider, when the animal spiwas a woman, and 'tis no matter; if she's dead, rits are properly employed, the whole system's she's provided for. Here, I found the book-exhilarated, a proper circulation in the smaller could not meet with it last night-here it is- ducts, or capillary vesselsthere's more sense in it, than in all their Macbeths, and their trumpery-[Reads.]-Cocker's arithmetic-look ye here, now, friend GargleSuppose you have the sixteenth part of a ship, and I buy one fifth of you, what share of the ship do I buy? Win. Look ye there now; the fellow's at his ducks again, ha, ha! Gar. But when the spirits are under influence Win. Ha, ha! What a fine fellow you are now! You're as mad with your physical nonsense, as my son with his Shakespeare and Ben Gar. Oh, dear sir, 'tis a melancholy caseWin. A melancholy case, indeed, to be so ig-ThompsonGar. Dear sir, let us go in quest of him; he norant; why should not a man know every thing? one fifth of one sixteenth, what part have I of shall be well phlebotomized; and, for the futhe whole? Let me see; I'll do it a short way-ture, I'll keep his solids and fluids in proper ba Gar. Lost beyond redemption ! lance |