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know what you mean! I'm sure my study, morning, noon, and night, is how to please and obey him.
Ail. Don't believe her, my dear; she's a liar; she neither pleases nor obeys me, and has behaved in the most insolent manner.
Ms. Ail. Well, my soul, I'm sure what you say is right; but compose yourself. Look, you, Prudence, if ever you provoke your master again, I'll turn you out of doors. Here, give me his pillows, and help me to settle him in his chairHe sits I know not how-Pull your night-cap over your ears, my dear. There's nothing gives people cold so much as letting wind in at their
Ail. Ah! my love, I shall never be able to repay all the care you take of me.
Mrs. Ail. Raise yourself a little, that I may put this under you this behind your back-and this to lean your head upon.
Pru. And this to cover your brains.
will be able to cut off your two daughters, and leave me all ?
Ail. If not my landed estate, at any rate I can leave you my ready money; and, by way of pre caution, I will make over to you immediately four thousand pounds, which I have in the three per cents, and bonds for near the same sum, which I lent to Sir Timothy Whisky.
Mrs. Ail. I will have nothing to do with them indeed, Mr. Ailwould; you shan't put them into my hands, I assure you; all the riches in the world will be nothing to me, if I lose you.-How much do you say you have in the three per cents?
il. Four thousand pounds, my love.
Mrs. Ail. To talk to me of money, when! am deprived of the only person, with whom! could enjoy it!—And how much more in bonds!
Ail. About the same sum, sweet-but don't take on so, Biddy; pray now don't; you'll throw yourself into some illness; and to have us both [Claps a pillow rudely upon his head. | sickAil. You cursed jade! do you want to stifle me?
[Gets up in a passion, throws the pillows at her, and drives her out.]
Mrs. Ail. Hold, hold! what did she do to you? Ail. Do to me! the serpent! She'll be the death of me, if you continue to keep her in the house. Mrs. Ail. Well, but jewel, you are too apt to furry yourself.
Ail. My sweet, you are the only comfort have; and, in order to requite your tenderness in the best manner I am able, I have resolved, as I have told you, to make my will.
Mrs. Ail. Ah! don't talk to me in that manner! don't, Mr. Ailwould, I beseech you, unless you have a mind to break my heart!
Ail. Alas! my love, we are all mortal; but don't cry, Biddy, for you'll make me weep, too. Mrs. Ail. Oh! oh! oh!
Ail. Nay, dearest
Mrs. Ail. You said something of your will di'dut you?
Ail. I desired you would speak to your attorney about it.
Mrs. Ail. Yes; but I cannot speak to him about any such thing; it would cut me to the
Ail. It must be done, Biddy.
Mrs. Ail. No, no, no. However, I have desired him to come hither to-day, and you may speak to him about it yourself.
Ail. I would fain be informed in what manner I may cut off my children, and leave all to you.
Mrs. Ail. Alas! my dear, if you should be taken away, I'll stay no longer in the world.
Ail. My only concern, when I die, will be, that I never had a child by you; and Dr. Bulruddery, the Irish physician, promised me I should have twins.
Mrs. Ail. But do you think, my dear, that you
Cof. Mr. Ailwould, your servant. I have obeyed your commands, you see; and am come, with my brothers Skeleton and Bulruddery, to have a consultation upon your case.-How do you find yourself this morning?
Ail, Pray, gentlemen, be seated-Why, really, doctor, I find myself but very indifferent. Ske. How do you sleep, sir? Ail. Very indifferent, doctor; chiefly broken slumbers.
Bul. And pray, how is your appetite?
Ail. Indifferent, very indifferent, indeed. [ have made shift to get down a couple of dishes of chocolate_this morning in bed; about two hours after, I had some tea and toast with my wife; just now, I swallowed, with much difficul ty, a bason of soup: and I believe I shall hardly take any thing more till dinner.
Ske. But, Mr. Ailwould, what are your chief | ping; from thence returned through Cornbill, complaints?
Ail. Really, doctor, I am afraid my disorder is a complication. Sometimes I think it is the gout, sometimes the rheumatism, sometimes the dropsy, and sometimes I feel myself in a high fever: however, gentlemen, Dr. Coffin here has been long my good friend and physician; and, by the help of the intelligence he can give you about my constitution, your art and experience may perhaps enable you to find out what's the matter with me; so I leave you to your consultation. Gentlemen, your servant. [AILWOULD, feeing the doctors as he goes out, drops a guinea.] Stay, doctor, I'll take it up for you.
Ske. Sir, I thank you; but I think there was another dropt.
Ail. No, there was'nt.
[Gives him another. Exit. DR. COTFIN, DR. SKELETON, and DR. BULRUDDERY, seat themselves with great ceremony; then, after a short silence
Ske. Brother Coffin, shall I trouble you for a pinch of your [Taking snuff] Havannah, I
Cof. Brought me from thence by a captain, who assisted in taking the place.
Ske. [Sneezes.] Devilish strong!
Bul. I have often Dr. Skeleton, had it in my head to ask some of the faculty, what can be the reason, that, when a man happens to sneeze, all the company bows.
Ske. Sneezing, Dr. Bulruddery, was a mortal symptom, that attended a pestilential disease, which formerly depopulated the republic of Athens; ever since, when that convulsion occurs, a short ejaculation is offered up, that the sneezing or sternuting party may not be afflicted with the same distemper.
Temple-Bar, and the Strand, and finished my last prescription, between five and six, for a tradesman in Cockspur street, who had burst a vein in hallooing at the Brentford election.
Bul. Upon my conscience a long tour! Ske. Long! Why, upon the most moderate calculation, I could not, before I sat down to my soup, have run up less than thirty pair of stairs; and my horses must have trotted, taking in cross streets and turnings, at least eighteen miles and three quarters.
Bul. Without doubt. But you was talking of Brentford. Don't you look upon a contested election as a good thing to the faculty, doctor?
Ske. If you mean to us of the college, Dr. Bulruddery, little or nothing: if indeed, there should happen to be warm work at the hustings, the corporation of surgeons may pick up some practice; though I don't look upon any of these public transactions as of any great use to our body in general. Lord mayor's day, indeed, has its merit.
Cof. Yes; that turns to account.
Ske. Dr. Doseum and I were making, t'other morning at Batson's, a short calculation of what value that festival might be to the whole physi cal tribe.
Bul. Is it a secret to what you made it amount?
Ske. Why, what with colds caught on the water before dinner, repletion and indigestion at dinner, inebriety after dinner (not to mention the ball in the evening), we made that day and its consequences-for you know, there are fine foundations laid for future disorders, especially if it turns out an easterly wind
Bul. Does that make any difference?
Ske. Infinite; for when they come out of the hall, in a fine perspiration, from the heat of the room and exercise, should the wind miss them crossing Cateaton street, it's sure to lay hold of them in turning the corner into CheapsideCof. Without doubt.
Bul. Upon my conscience, a very learned ac-in count! Ay, and a very civil institution too. I can't help thinking, doctor, but the gentlemen of our profession must thrive much better in them there foreign parts than at home: Now, because why, one hears of plagues and pestilences, and such like kind of disorders, that attack a whole nation at once. Now, here, you know, we are obliged to pick up patients one by one, just as a body can get them.
Cof. Ay, doctor; and, since the great increase of this town, the sick lie so scattered, that one pair of horses are scarce sufficient for a physician but in moderate practice.
Ske. True; why, there was yesterday, the first pulse I felt belonged to a lad with the measles in Dean's yard, Westminster: froin thence I set out between seven and eight, my wig fresh powdered, and my horses in spirits; I turned at Charing cross for the New Buildings; then run through the Holborn division, crossed the Fleet-market, and penetrated into the city as far as White-chapel; then made a short trip to the wife of a salesman, who had the gout in her stomach, at Wap
Ske. We estimated the whole profit to physicians, surgeons, apothecaries, chemists, druggists, and nurses, eleven thousand, six hundred, seventy-three ponnds, fourteen shillings, and threepence three-farthings.
Ail. Gentlemen, I beg pardon for this interruption; but you have been consulting upon my case, and I have some particular reasons for coming thus suddenly, to desire to know what opinion you have yet been able to form? Cof. [To SKELETON.] Come, sir. Ske. No, sir; pray do you speak. Cof. Before my senior! pray, excuse me. Ske. [To BULRUDDERY.] Doctor
Bul. The devil burn myself if I do!
Ail. Nay, pray, gentlemen, leave these ceremonies; and, if you have been able to form any opinion, instruct me.
Cof. Why, really, sir, to tell you the truth Brother Skeleton
Ske. We have not yet, with all the observations we have been able to make upon your and complaints-I say, sir-and after the the most abtruse disquisitions, we have not as yet been able to form any opinion at all.
Ail. Well, this is all I want to be acquainted with; because, if you have not been able to form any opinion, I have been happy enough to meet with a physician that has.-Pray, sir, do me the favour to walk in here.
Enter DR. LAST, bowing with great state to DR. COFFIN, DR. SKELETON, DR. Bulruddery, and AILWOULld.
Ail. This gentleman, is Dr. Last: and he assures me, that my disorder is a confirmed jaundice.
Doctors. A jaundice !-ha, ha, ha!
Dr. Last. What do you grin at? I says he has the janders, and I'll uphold it. I'll lay you fifty pounds he has the janders, and the gentlman shall hold the stakes himself.
to AILWOULD.] Many a one of them comes to as
Cof. Come, Come, friend, we know you.
Dr. Last. Well, and I knows you-Pray, Dr. Coffin, didn't you attend one Mrs. Greaves, a tal low-chandler's widow, that lodged at the porkshop in Fetter-lane? and did'nt she send for me after you gave her over?
Cof. Yes; and she died in two days.
Dr. Last. Well, so she did; but that was no fault of mine; she should have sent for me frst. What could I do for her after you had killed the poor dear soul?
Cof. But, Mr. Ailwould, we are come here to consult upon your case; and if you permit us, we are willing.
Ail. O! nothing desire so much; and, to asist you, I'll leave this gentleman; he may give you further reasons for what he advances.
Ske. What, sir! do you think we'll consult with a quack?
Bul. Ay! do you think we'll be after consulting with a quack?
Dr. Last. I'm no quack.-I have been regu co-larly submitted; and I'll persecute you for your words in Westminster-Hall.
Cof. Well, but Mr. Ailwould, this is altogether ridiculous. Did you ever see a man of your lour with the jaundice?
Ail. Why, that's true; [Turning to LAST.] every one tells ine, that I have a florid complexion; now the jaundice gives a yellow hue: Will you be so good as to explain that?
Dr. Lust. Well, so I can, but not for the doctors. If I does it, it's all entirely to oblige you. Ske. We shall hear how the impudent rascal will bring himself off.
Dr. Last. There are two sorts of janders; the yallar, and the grey.
Bul. The black, I believe you mean, honey?
Cof. But you must, sir; there is no such thing as the grey jaundice.
Ske. Oh! gentlemen, the doctor means the iron-grey, and that's almost black, you know.
Dr. Last. They only does this to put me out now, because I'm no collegion.
Ail. Well, pray, doctor, go on with your explanation.
Dr. Last. Well, I says then-[To AILWOULD, who turns about for something.] I won't talk without you minds the yallar janders, I say, isthe yallar janders is, as if so be
Cof. Why, you were talking of the grey jaundice this moment.
Dr. Last. No, I was'nt; I did'nt say a word of the gray janders-did I Mr. Ailwould?—It's the yallar janders.—I knows well enough what I'm about if you'll let me alone.
Cof. Well, what of the yallar janders? Dr. Last. Wy, I won't tell you--I won't say a word more now; if you think to profit, you're mistaken; you sha'nt learn nothing from
Cof. You're a bloody impudent fellow !
Dr. Last. I does my cures no purchase no pay; and which of you can say that? [Turning
Cof. Mr. Ailwould we are your humble ser
Ail. Well, but, gentlemen, your fees; you'll return them I hope?
Cof. Return our fees, sir!
Bul. Return our fecs! Arrah, is the man mad?
Ske. Sir, it is a thing entirely out of the course of practice. We wish you a good morn. ing.
[COF. BUL. and SKE. go out with great formality.
Ail. Why then, gentlemen, your servant, and good morning to you. Let them go; I'm glad we have got rid of them at any rate.
Dr. Last. Here, you Coffin
Ail. Pray, let him alone now.
Dr. Last. I would send him a challenge, if I was not afraid of being committed.
Ail. A challenge! Why, did you ever fight? Dr. Last. Yes; I had like to be killed two a three times; but I never was.
Ail. It was very well for me, I'm sure.
Dr. Last. You must think they all hates me, because I out-does them in curing; and they are ostentious in their own way, and won't be learn
Ail. And so, doctor, you are really of opinion, that I have a disposition to the jaundice?
Dr. Last. Yes, you have; and it's one of the six and twenty disorders specified in my adver tisement; and I challenge all England to do the like, to cure six and twenty disorders with one medicine, without confinement, or hinder ance of business, or knowledge of a bedfellow. You understand me? for that's in it too, if you have any remains lurking in your blood from bad
Ail. No, no; Heaven be thanked! I never had any such thing in my life.
Dr Lust. So much the better for you; but if you had, I could soon set you to rights again.Why, there was three affidavy's in the paper last Wednesday, acknowledging benefits received from me; one from a journeyman tailor, bed-rid with the rheumatiss; another from a hackneycoachman that had been three times tapped for the dropsy, and one from a child's mother that I cured of the dry gripes.
il. Well, doctor, if you will now come into the next room, I will introduce you to my daugh
Dr. Last. What! in this trim? I would not for fifty guineas; besides I am going to see a gentlewoman, that I've got in hand for an impostor; but I'll tell you what I'll do-I'll dress myself, and come to you in the evening.
Ail. Well, do so, then, if it be more convenient to you. But stay, doctor, your paper of directions orders your medicine to be taken only every three hours; now as I have some
spare time on my hands. suppose I was to take in the intervals, a mug or two of the dog and duck water, or Islington Spa, or Bagnige Wells, by way of diluting.
Dr. Last. You must'nt take nothing by way of dissolution, but a few broth, made with vermin's jelly
Ail. Have you any objection then, to my going to Chelsea, to be fumigated at Dominicetti's?
Dr. Last. Domini devil's! don't go near him! Is it to be sweated you wants? If that be all, I can sweat you myself. Do you chuse to be sweated?
Ail. Why, if I thought it would do me any good
Dr. Last. Well, I'll consider of it ;-but remember, Mr. Ailwould, I have taken you in hand now, and if you go to be purged, or puked, or buy a sup of physic from any one else—but I suppose you knows better what belongs to the charakter of a gentleman. [Exeunt.
SCENE L-Another room in AILWOULD'S house.
Enter PRUDENCE followed by HARGRAVE. Pru. Come, sir, follow me; I'll venture to bring you in, since you've ventured to knock at the door.
Har. But tell me, my best girl, cannot you contrive to make me happy in the sight of your charming mistress ?
Pru. No, Mr. Hargrave, 1 cannot, indeed! you have been told so a thousand times already I sent you word so by your servant this morning, but you won't be satisfied; and, if you had not been imprudent enough already, you are now come here in person to put the finishing stroke to our ruin.
Har. No, my good Prue, I was aware of that, and am not come here in my own character, but as a friend of your young lady's Italian master, who has given me leave to say he has sent me in his place.
Pru. That's more forecast than I thought you capable of. But why have you been so negligent? did not you tell my mistress, that you would make a formal proposal to her father?
Har. True-Nor is it my fault that it has not been done; I spoke to Mr. Friendly, Mr. Ailwould's brother-in-law, who assured me he would make it his business to come here this day for that purpose.
Pru. Ay; but this day is too late, it should have been done yesterday: for now her father is going to marry her to another person—a rascal quack-Though, I think, if we could set my master against him, which would be no very hard
Har. As how?
Pru. I don't know any method so sure as by the help of another quack; for he falls in love with every new medicine he hears of.
Har. Say you so? Gad I have a good comical fellow for my servant, and there is a thought come into my head.
Pru. Hush! here's my master; step into the next room a little, while I prepare him for your reception. [Exit HAR.
Ail. Dr. Last directed me, during the operation of his medicine, to take ten or twelve turns about the room; but I forgot to ask him whether it would be most efficacious, the long way, or the broad-I wish I had asked him that. Pru. Sir, here is a
Ail. Speak low, hussy; you are enough to shock my brains-You don't consider, that it is not fit to bawl in the ears of sick people! Pru. I was going to tell you, sirAil. Speak low, I say.
Pru. Sir-[Speaks so low as not to be heard. Ail. Eh!
Pru. I was going to tell you-[Very low.
Ail. What is it you say?
Ail. Well, you devil! let him come in.
Har. Mr. Ailwould
Pru. Don't speak so loud, for fear of shocking my master's brains.
Har. I am very glad to see you out of bed, and to see that you grow better.
Pru. What do you mean by growing better? -it's false, my master's always very ill. Har. I don't know how that may be-but I was told he was better; and I think he looks pretty well.
Pru. Poh! you're blind, he looks as bad as possible; and they are impertinent people, that say he mends: he grows worse and worse. Ail. She's in the right of it.
Pru. He walks, eats, and drinks like other men; but that's no reason why he should not be in a bad state of health.
Ail. 'Tis very true.
Har. I can only say then, sir, that I am extremely sorry for your indisposition; and hope you will soon get the better of it.
Ail. And now compliments are past, sirPray may I take the liberty to desire to know who you are?
Har. Sir, I come here on the part of Miss Ailwould's Italian master, who is gone for some time into the country, and sends me, being his intimate friend, to continue her lessons; lest, by interrupting them, she should forget what she has already learned.
Ail. Very well: call Nancy.
Ail: Did you ever hear such an idiot as it is! Har. I count myself extremely fortunate, me dam, to have employed your thoughts either sleeping or waking; and should esteem myse particularly happy to relieve you from any dis tress, which accident might throw you into: for, I assure you madam
Ail. Why, now, sir, you are rather more fool ish than she-But, pray have done with your nonsense, both the one and the other: and you sir, if you please, give the girl her lesson.
Har. You know, ma'am, a great man former ly said, that if he spoke to the gods, he would speak Spanish; to men, French; but women, Italian, as the properest language for love.
Ail. A strange round-about way of begi ning?
Har. If he was to speak to his horse, indeed, he said, he would speak high Dutch; as, for ex ample, Das dick de donder schalq.
Ail. So, you won't have done fooling?
Har. Pray, sir, give me leave; every master has his method-No doubt, madam, you have been informed, that the adjective must agree with the substantive; as thus-Nanetta bela, beautiful Nancy, [Softly to her.] that is you, my charmer-Amante fidele, Faithful lover-[Sority to her.] that's me, my charmer, who doats upon you more than life. [AILWOULD Coming close to listen, HARGRAVE, raises his voice.] Now these, ma'am, must agree in gender, number, and in case. Ail. Ay, that's right enough; I remember
Pru. I believe, sir, it will be better to take when I was learning grammar myself. the gentleman into her chamber.
Ail. No, let her come here.
Har. Come, madam, we'll take a verb active, and begin, if you please, with Amo, to love— Pru. He can't give her her lesson so well, if Have you any objection to that?
he is not alone with her.
Ail. I warrant you.
Pru. Besides, it will only disturb you in the condition you are in, to have people talking in
Nan. By no means, sir.
Har. Then pray give a little attention, and conjugate after me, that you may catch the a cent-lo amo, I love.
Nan. Io amo, I love. Har. Ofy that's not a proper tone-You'll pardon me for reprimanding miss before you.
You must pronounce the words with more tenderness, ma'am: take notice of me-lo awe, I love.
Nan. [Very tenderly.] Io amo, I love.
Ail. I won't have her pronounce it any more; I don't know what words you'll have the impus dence to teach her presently.
Ail. What now?
Pru. Might I speak with you, sir.
Pru. If it won't disturb you, sir.