King. Open the prisons, set the wretched [THUMB is thrown out of the Cow's mouth, and free! And bid our treasurer disburse five guineas Hunc. Take note, sir, that on this our wedding day Two victories hath my gallant husband won. Nood. Oh, monstrous, dreadful, terrible! oh! oh! King. What means the blockhead? Nood. But to grace my tale with decent horror; Tom Thumb is no more! A huge red cow, larger than the largest size, just now i'the open street, Before my eyes, devour'd the great Tom Thumb ! Not issue out three farthings. Hang all the cul prits, And bid the schoolmasters whip all their little boys. Nood, Her majesty the queen is in a swoon. Queen. Not so much in a swoon, but to have still Strength to reward the messenger of ill. [Queen kills NoODLE. [Kills the Queen. [Kills FRIZALEtta. Friz. My lover kill'dHis death I thus revenge. Hunc. Kill my mamma! O base assassin! there! Dood. For that, take this! Plum. And thou, take that. King. Die, murdress vile! Ab! Death makes a feast to day, [Kills HUNCA. [Kills DOODLE. starts fiercely.] Love's in haste, don't stay him; Deep we are in Hymen's debt, [Kills PLUM. Hunc. [To Tom.] Have, dear Tommy, And but reserves ourselves for his bon bouche. Pity on me; I am by shame restricted; Yet I obey, So take your way, I must not contradict it. Till the whole pack lie scatter'd and o'erthrown. Griz. [To Glum.] Grandest Glum, in my behoof, Thus all our pack upon the floor is cast, And my sole boast is, that I will die the last. [Stabs himself. They all lie on the stage dead, To love's law be pliant; Me you'll find a man of proof, Although not quite a giant. SCENE I.-The outside of a Cottage near a|I waited on a gentleman at Oxford, where I Wood. learnt very near as much as my master; from whence I attended a travelling physician six years, under the facetious denomination of a Merry Andrew, where I learnt physic. Dor. O that thou had'st followed him still! Cursed be the hour, wherein I answered the parson, I will.' Gre. And cursed be the parson that asked thee the question! Dor. You have reason to complain of him indeed-who ought to be on your knees every moment, returning thanks to Heaven, for that great blessing it sent you, when it sent you myself. I hope you have not the assurance to think you deserv'd such a wife as me? Gre. No, really, I don't think I do. AIR I.-Bessy Bell. DORCAS. When a lady like me, condescends to agree, With what zeal and care, shou'd he worship the fair, Who gives him what's meat for his master? His actions should still Attend on her will : Suppose I've a mind he should drub, Whose bones are they, sir, he's to lick? At whose expence is it, you scrub? Rob. Neighbour, I ask your pardon heartily; Hear, sirrah, and take it for warning; here, take and thrash your wife; beat her as you To her he should be Each night on his knee, And so he should be on each morning. Gre. Meat for my master! you were meat for your master, if I an't mistaken. Come, come, Madam, it was a lucky day for you, when you found me out. Dor. Lucky, indeed! a fellow, who eats every thing I have! Gre. That happens to be a mistake, for I drink some part on't. Dor. That has not even left me a bed to lie on! Gre. You'll rise the earlier. Dor. And who, from morning till night, is eternally in an alehouse! Gre. It's genteel; the squire does the same. Dor. Pray, sir, what are you willing I shall do with my family? Gre. Whatever you please. Dor. My four little children, that are continually crying for bread? Gre. Give 'em a rod! best cure in the world for crying children. Dor. And you imagine, sot Gre. Hark ye, my dear, you know my temper is not over and above passive, and that my arm is extremely active. Dor. I laugh at your threats, poor, beggarly, insolent fellow ! Gre. Soft object of my wishing eyes I shall play with your pretty ears. Dor. Touch me if you dare, you insolent, impudent, dirty, lazy, rascally Gre. Oh, ho, ho! you will have it then, I find. [Beats her. Dor. O murder, murder! Enter Squire ROBERT. Rob. What's the matter here? Fie upon you, fie upon you, neighbour, to beat your wife in this scandalous manner! Dor. Well, sir, and if I have a mind to be beat, and what then? Rob. O dear, madam, I give my consent with all my heart and soul. Dor. What's that to you, saucebox? Is it any business of your's? Rob. No, certainly, madam! Dor. Here's an impertinent fellow for you, won't suffer a husband to beat his own wife; AIR II.-Winchester Wedding. Go thrash your own rib, sir, at home, May cuckoldom still be his doom, ought to do. Gre. No, sir, I won't beat her. Rob. Oh, sir, that's another thing. Gre. I'll beat her when I please, and will not beat her when I do not please. She is my wife, and not yours. Rob. Certainly. Dor. Give me the stick, dear husband. Rob. Well, if ever I attempt to part husband and wife again, may I be beaten myself. [Erit Ron. Gre. Come, my dear, let us be friends. Dor. What, after beating me so? Gre. 'Twas but in jest. Dor. I desire you will crack your jests on your own bones, not on mine. Gre. Pshaw! You know you and I are one, and I beat one half of myself when I beat you. Dor. Yes, but for the future I desire you will beat the other half of yourself. Gre. Come, my pretty dear, I ask pardon; I'm sorry for't. Dor. For once I pardon you-but you shall pay for it. [Aside. Gre. Psha! psha! child, these are only little affairs, necessary in friendship; four or five good blows with a cudgel between your very fond couples only tend to heighten the af fections. I'll now to the wood, and I promise thee to make a hundred faggots before I come home again. Erit. Dor. If I am not revenged on those blows of yours!-Oh, that I could but think of some method to be revenged on him! Hang the rogue, he's quite insensible of cuckoldom? AIR III.-Oh London is a fine town. No horned brother dares make sport; Oh that I could find out some invention to get him well drubbed! Enter HARRY and JAMES. Har. Were ever two fools sent on such a message as we are, in quest of a dumb doctor! James. Blame your own cursed memory, that made you forget his name. For my part, I'll travel through the world rather than return without him; that were as much as a limb or two were worth. Har. Was ever such a cursed misfortune, to Dor. Hey! what, has the fellow a mind to banter me? Har. Is there no physician hereabouts famous for curing dumbness?" Dor. I fancy you have no need of such a physician, Mr. Impertinence. Har. Don't mistake us, good woman, we don't mean to banter you: we are sent by our master, whose daughter has lost her speech, for a certain physician who lives hereabouts: we have lost our direction, and 'tis as much as our lives are worth to return without him. Dor. There is one Dr. Lazy lives just by, but he has left off practising. You would not get him a mile to save the lives of a thousand patients. Jumes. Direct us but to him; we'll bring him with us one way or other, I warrant you. Har. Ay, ay, we'll have him with us, though we carry him on our backs. Dor. Ha! Heaven has inspired me with one of the most admirable inventions to be revenged on my hangdog![Aside.]—I assure you, if you can get him with you, he'll do your young lady's business for her; he's reckoned one of the best physicians in the world, especially for dumb Har. Pray tell us where he lives? Dor. You'll never be able to get him out of his own house; but if you watch hereabouts, you'll certainly meet with him, for he very often amuses himself here with cutting wood. Har. A physician cut wood! James. I suppose he amuses himself in searching after herbs, you mean? Dor. No; he's one of the most extraordinary men in the world: he goes drest like a common clown; for there is nothing he so much dreads as to be known for a physician. James. All your great men have some strange oddities about them. as he saw her, he poured out a little drop of something down her throat-he had no sooner done it, than she got out of her bed, and walked about the room as if there had been nothing the matter with her. Both. O, prodigious! Dor. 'Tis not above three weeks ago, that a child of twelve years old fell from the top of a house to the bottom, and broke its skull, its arms and legs. Our physician was no sooner drubbed into making him a visit, than, having rubbed the child all over with a certain ointment, it got upon its legs, and run away to play. Both. Oh most wonderful! Hur. Hey! Gad, James, we'll drub him out of a pot of this ointment. James. But can he cure dumbness? Dor. Dumbness! Why the curate of our parish's wife was born dumb; and the doctor, with a sort of wash, washed her tongue, that he set it a-going so, that in less than a month's time she out-talked her husband. Har. This must be the very man we were sent after. Dor. Yonder is the very man I speak of. Dor. The very same.———— -He has spied us, and taken up his bill. James. Come, Harry, don't let us lose one moment.-Mistress, your servant; we give you ten thousand thanks for this favour. Dor. Be sure you make good use of your sticks. James. He shan't want that. [Exeunt. Gre. Ay, like enough James. Tis in your power, sir, to do us a very great favour-We come, sir, to implore your Dor. Why, he will suffer himself to be beat before he will own himself to be a physician-assistance in a certain affair. and I'll give you my word, you'll never make him own himself one, unless you both take a good cudgel and thrash him into it; 'tis what we are all forced to do when we have any need Gre. Ifit be in my power to give you any assistance, masters, I am very ready to do it. of him. James. What a ridiculous whim is here. Dor. Very true; and in so great a man. James. And is he so very skilful a man? Dor. Skilful-why he does miracles. About half a year ago, a woman was given over by all he physicians, nay, she had been dead some time; when this great man came to her, as soon James. Sir, you are extremely obliging-But, dear sir, let me beg you to be covered; the sun will hurt your complexion. Har. For Heaven's sake, sir be covered. Gre. These should be footmen by their dress, but courtiers by their ceremony. [Aside. James. You must not think it strange, sir, that we come thus to seek after you; men of your capacity will be sought after by the whole world. |