Bell. Is there any public news of any kind, Mr. Prattle? Prat. None at all, ma'am -except that the officers are most of them returned from the Havannah. Emily. So we hear, sir. Prat. I saw Colonel Tamper yesterday. O, ay! and Major Belford, and another gentleman, as I came in here this morning. Bell. That was Colonel Tamper, sir. ma'am? Bell. Yes, sir. Prat. Pardon me, ma'am, I know Colonel Tamper very well.-That poor gentleman was somewhat disabled-had suffered a little in the wars-Colonel Tamper is not so unfortunate. Emily. O yes, that horrid accident! Prat. What accident? Bell. His wounds-his wounds-Don't you know, sir? Prat. Wounds, ma'am !-Upon my word never heard he had received any. Bell. No! Why he lost a leg and an eye the siege of the Havannah. at Prat. Did he? Why then, ma'am, I'll be bold to say, he is the luckiest man in the world. Bell. Why so, sir? Prat. Because, madam, if he lost a leg and an eye at the Havannah, they must be grown again, or he has somehow procured others that do the business every whit as well. Emily. Impossible! Prat. I wish I may die, madam, if the colonel had not yesterday two as good legs and fine eyes as any man in the world! If he lost one of each at the Havannah, we practitioners in physic should be much obliged to him to communicate his receipt for the benefit of Greenwich and Chelsea hospitals. Emily. Are you sure, sir, that the colonel has had no such loss, sir? Prat. As sure as that I am here, madam! I saw him going into the what-d'ye-call-him ambassador's, just over against my house, yesterday; and the last place I was at this morning, was Mrs. Daylight's, where I heard the colonel was at her route last night, and that every body thought he was rather improved than injured by his late expedition. But, adso! Lack-a-day, lack-a-day, lack-a-day!-now I recollect-ha, ha, ha! [Laughing very heartily, Bell. What's the matter, Mr. Prattle? Prut. Excuse me, ladies: I can't forbear laughing-ha, ha, ha!-The gentleman in t'other room, Colonel Tamper! ha, ha, ha!I find the colonel had a mind to pay a visit in masquerade this morning- -I spoke to Major Belford-I thought I knew his friend, toobut he limped away, and hid his face, and would not speak to me.- -upon my word, he did it very well: I could have sworn there had been an amputation-He would make a figure at a masked ball. Ha, ha, ha! Emily. Bell. Ha, ha, ha ! [Looking at each other, and affecting to lengi. Prat. Ha, ha, ha! very comical! Ha, ha, ta Bell. A frolic, Mr. Prattle, a frolic! I think however, you had better not take any notice of it abroad. Prat. Me! I shall never breath it, madam: I am close as oak-an absolute free-mason i secrecy-But, madam, [Rising.] I must bid y good morning I have several patients to vast before dinner.-Mrs. Tremor, I know, will be dying with the vapours till she sees me; and I am to meet Dr. Valerian at Lord Hectic's in les than half an hour. Emily. Ring the bell, my dear—Mr. Prattle, your servant. Prat. Ladies, your very humble servant.—I shall send you a cordial mixture, madam, to le taken in any particular faintness, or lowness d spirits; and some draughts for morning and evening. Have a care of catching cold, be ca Itious in your diet, and I make no doubt but ma few days we shall be perfectly recovered.— Ladies, your servant: Your most obedient, very humble servant. [Exit. [The ladies sit for some time sileni. Bell. [After a pause.] Sister Emily! Emily. Sister Bell! Bell. What d'ye think of Colonel Tamper now, sister? Emily. Why, I am so provoked, and so pleas ed; so angry, and so diverted; that I don't know whether I should be in or out of humour, at this discovery. Bell. No! Is it possible you can have so little spirit? This tattling apothecary will tell this fine story at every house he goes into it will be town-talk-If a lover of mine had attempted to put such an impudent deceit upon me, I would never see his face again. Emily. If you had a lover that you liked, Bell, you would not be quite so violent. Bell. Indeed but I should. What! to come here with a Canterbury tale of a leg and an ere, and heaven knows what, merely to try the ex tent of his power over you!-To gratify his inordinate vanity, in case you should retain your affection for him; or to reproach you for your weakness and infidelity, if you could not recom cile yourself to him on that supposition! Emily. It is abominably provoking, I own; and yet, Bell, it is not a quarter of an hour ago, but I would have parted with half fortune to have made it certain that there was a trick in the story. my Bell. Well, I never knew one of these men of extraordinary sense, as they are called, that was not, in some instances, a greater fool than the rest of mankind. Emily. After all, Bell, I must confess, that this stratagem has convinced me of the infirmity of my temper. This supposed accident began to make strange work with me. Bell. I saw that plain enough. I told you Ser. Captain Johnson, madam. Emily. Desire him to walk up. [Exit Ser.] I am fit to see any company now. This discovery will do me more good, I believe, than all Mr. Prattle's cordial mixtures, as he calls them. Bell. Oh, you're in charming spirits, sisterBut Captain Johnson! you abound in the military, captains, colonels, and majors, by wholesale; who is Captain Johnson, pray? Emily. Only the name that Mademoiselle Florival, the Belleisle lady you saw this morning goes by. Bell. Oh, sister, the luckiest thought in the world-such an use to make of this lady. Emily. What dy'e mean? Bell. Captain Johnson shall be Colonel Tamper's rival, sister! Emily. Hush! here she is? Enter MADEMOISELLE FLORIVAL. sister. Bell. I have heard your story, madam, and take part in your misfortunes. Flo. I am infinitely obliged both to you, and to that lady, madam. Emily. Oh! madam, I have been extremely ill since you was here this morning, and terrified almost beyond imagination. Flo. I am very sorry to hear it; may I ask what has alarmed you. Emily. It is so ridiculous, I scarce know how to tell you, sister has waggishly proposed to make you the instrument of exciting Colonel Tamper's jealousy, by your personating the character of a supposed rival. Was not that your device, sister? Bell. It was; and if this lady will come into it, and you play your part well, we'll tease the wise colonel, and make him sick of his rogueries, I warrant you. Flo. I have been a mad girl in my time, I confess, and remember when I should have joined in such a frolic with pleasure. At present, I fear I am scarce mistress enough of my temper to maintain my character with any tolerable humour. However, I will summon up all my spirits, and do my best to oblige you. Bell. Oh, you will have but little to do. The business will lie chiefly on your hands, EmilyYou must be most intolerably provoking. If you do but irritate him sufficiently, we shall have charming sport with him. Emily. Never fear me, Bell; Mr. Prattle's intelligence has given me spirits equal to any thing. Now I know it is but a trick, I shall scarce be able so see him limping about without laughing. Enter a Servant. Ser. Colonel Tamper, Madam. Emily. Show him in. [Exit Servant.] Now ladies! Bell. Now, sister! Work him heartily; cut him to the bone, I charge you. If you show him the least mercy, you are no woman. Enter COLONEL TAMPER. Tam. This it is to have new servants! not at home, indeed! A pack of blockheads, to think I knew the poor of denying my Emily to me. dear soul was a little out of order indeed-but [Seeing FLORIVAL.] I beg pardon, madam ! I did not know you had company. Bell. Oh, this gentleman is a particular friend of my sister's-he's let in at any time. Tam. Hum! [Disordered. Emily. I did not expect to see you return so soon, sir! Tam. No-I believe I am come somewhat unexpectedly indeed, madam ! Emily. If your return had not been so extremely precipitate, sir, I should have sent you a message on purpose to prevent your giving your Bell. Then I will. You must know, madam, that my sister was engaged to an officer, who went out on a late military expedition. He is just returned, but is come home with the strang-self that trouble. est conceit that ever filled the brain of a lover. He took it into his head to try my sister's faith, by pretending to be maimed and wounded, and has actually visited her this morning in a counterfeit character. We have just now detected the imposition, and want your assistance to be pleasantly revenged on him. Flo I cannot bring myself to be an advocate for the lady's cruelty-but you may both command me in any thing. Emily. There is no cruelty in the case; I fear I am gone too far for that. As you are, in appearance, such a smart young gentleman, my Tam. Madam! a message! for what reason? Emily. Because I am otherwise engaged. [With indifference. Tam. Engaged! I don't apprehend you, madam. Emily. No! you are extremely dull, then :— don't you see I have company? Was you at the opera last night, Captain Johnson. [Coquetting with FLORIVAL. Emily. Sir! Tam. 'Sdeath, I have not power to speak to her! This strange and sudden alteration in your behaviour, madam Emily. Alteration! none at all, sir: the change is on your side, not mine. I'll be judged by this gentleman. Captain Johnson, here's a miniature of the colonel, which he sat for just before he went abroad-done by a good hand, and reckoned a striking likeness. Did you ever see a poor creature so altered? [Giving a bracelet. Flo. Why, really, madam, there is, I must own, a very visible difference at present. That black ribband [Looking by turns on the picture and COLONEL TAMPER ] makes a total eclipse of the brilliancy of this right eye- and then the irregular motion of the leg gives such a twist to the rest of the body that out horror; nay, was I even, from a rain point of honour, to adhere to my engagements with you, I could never conquer my disgust. It would be a most unnatural connection. Would not it, Captain Johnson? Tam. Hell!'Sdeath! Confusion! How steadily she persists in her perfidy! Madam! Madam-I shall choak with rage—but one word, and I am gone for ever-for ever, for ever, madam! Emily. What would you say, sir? Tam. Tell me then-and tell me truly: have not you received the addresses of that gente man? Emily. He has honoured me with them, I confess, sir; and every circumstance is so much in his favour, that I could have no manner of ob jection to him, but my unfortunate engagements to you-But since your ill fortune has invincibly divorced us from each other, I think I am at Tam. Sir! -But it is to you I address myself at present, madam. I was once fond and foolish enough to imagine that you had a heartberty to listen to him. truly generous and sensible; and flattered my- Tam. Matchless confidence!-Mighty well, self that it was above being shaken by absence, madam! It is not then the misfortunes that have or affected by events. How have I been de-befallen me, but the charms you have found in ceived! I find thatthat gentleman, which have altered your incl nation. Emily. Pardon me, sir; I never deceived you; nay, you see that I disdained the thought of deceiving you even for a day. Out of respect to our late mutual attachment, I am resolved to deal openly with you. In a word, then, every thing between us must now be at an end. Tam. Confusion! every thing at an end! and can you, can you, Emily, have the courage to tell me so? Emily. Why not? Come, come, Colonel Tamper, vanity is your blind side. Tam. Zounds, madam! Emily. Don't be in a passion. Do but consider the matter calmly; and though it may rather be displeasing, yet, when you have duly weighed all circumstances, I'm sure you must do me the justice to acknowledge my sincerity. Tam. I shall run mad-Is it possible, Emily? -Sincerity do you call this?-Dissimulation damned dissimulation! Emily. Have patience, sir! The loss of your whole fortune would have been trifling to me;but how can I reconcile myself to this mangling of your figure? Let me turn the tables on you for a moment-Suppose now, colonel, that I had been so unfortunate as to have lost a leg and an eve, should you, d'ye think, have retained your affection inviolable for me? Flo. Well, sir! and what then, sir? The lady I presume, is not included, like an old mansionhouse, in the rent-roll of your estate, or the ventory of your goods and chattels? her hard, I hope, is still her own property, and she may bestow it on you or me, or any body else, just as she pleases. Tam. You are a villain, sir-Withdraw! Bell. Oh Heavens! here will be murderDon't stir, I beg you, sir! Flo. O, never fear me, madam, I am not such a poltroon as to contend with that gentleman Do you think I would set my strength and skill against a poor blind man, and a cripple? Tum. Follow me, sir! I'll soon teach you to use your own legs. Flo. Oh, the sturdy beggar! stir your stumps don't expose yourself. Flo. Poor wretch! Emily. What, quarrel before ladies! Oh, for shame colonel ! Tam. This is beyond al! sufference. I can contain no longer-Know, then, madam. [To EMILY.] to your utter confusion, I am not that mangled thing which you imagine me-You may madam Tam. False, false woman! Have a care, Emily! have a care, I say, or you'll destroy your fame and happiness for ever. Consider what you are doing, ere you make a final resolution-see You'll repent your inconstancy, I tell you beforehand-upon my soul, you will-You'll have more reason to repent it, than you can possibly imagine. Emily. Why will you oblige me now to say shocking things to you? it goes against me to Emily.) Flo. [Resuming his natural manner, Ha, ha, ha! [Laughing violently. Emily. A wonderful cure of lameness and tell you so; but I can't even see you now with-blindness! Your case is truly curious, sir; and attested by three credible witnesses-Will you | rival a woman! I begin to feel myself very ridigive us leave to print it in the public papers? Tam. Madam, madam ! Flo. I think the story would make a figure in the Philosophical Transactions. Tum. Sir! Bell. A pretty leg, indeed! Will you dance a minuet with me, colonel? Emily. Your wounds are not mortal, I hope, colonel? Tam. No, madam! my person, I thank Heaven, is still unhurt. I have my legs, both legs, madam; and I will use them to transport me as far as possible from so false a woman-I have my eyes, too; my eyes, madam; but they shall never look on you again, but as the most faithless and ungrateful of your sex! Emily. I am surprised how he could act it so well! Pray, let us see you do it again, colonel-How was it, eh? [Mimicking.] hip-hop, hip-hop, like prince Volscius, I think. Tam. I took that method, madam, to try your truth, constancy, and affection. I have found you void of all those qualities, and I shall have reason to rejoice at the effect of my experiment as long as I live. Emily. If you meant to separate yourself from me, you have indeed taken an excellent method. And a mighty proof you have given of your own affection, truly! Instead of returning, after an anxious absence, with joy, into my pre-I sence, to come home with a low and mean suspicion, with a narrow jealousy of mind, when the frankness and generosity of my behaviour ought to have engaged you to repose the most unlimited confidence in mc. Tam. The event, madam, has but well warranted my experiment. Emily. And shall justify it, sir, still more: for here, before your face, I give my hand to this gentleman; solemnly declaring, that it shall never be in your power to dissolve the connection formed between us. Tam. As to you madam, your infidelity be your punishment. But that gentleman shall hear from me. Flo. I defy you, sir! Emily. Nothing farther remains between us; leave me, sir! Tam. I am gone, madam! and so help me, Heaven, never, never to return [Going. Enter MAJOR BELFORD. Flo. What do I see! Major Belford! Major Tam. Belford's Belleisle lady, as I live! My culous. Belf. What wonder, my love, has brought you hither, and in this habit. Fol. Oh, sir, I have a long story to relate. At present let it suffice to say, that that lady's brother has been the noblest of friends to me; and she herself, this morning, generously vouchsafed to take me under her protection. At my Belf. I am bound to them for ever. return I found letters from your father, who, supposing you was in England with me, wrote to acquaint me that he was inconsolable for your loss, and that he would consent to our union if I would but assure him that you was safe and well. The next post shall acquaint him of our good fortune. Well, Tamper, am not I a lucky fellow? Tam. Ob, Belford! I am the most miserable dog in the world! Belf What! you have dropped your mask, I see-You're on your own legs again; I met Prattle in the street-He stopt his chariot to speak to me about you, and I found that he had blown you up, and discovered to the ladies that you was returned, quite unhurt, from the Havannah. Tam. Did that coxcomb betray me? That accounts for all Emily's behaviour-Oh, major, I am ruined past redemption! I have behaved most extravagantly, both to your lady and Emily. shall never be able to look them in the face again. Belf. Ay, ay, I foresaw this. Did not I tell you that you would expose yourself confoundedly? However, I'll be an advocate for youmy Florival shall be an advocate for you; and I nake no doubt but you will be taken into favour again. Emily Does he deserve it, major? Eelf. Why, madam, I can't say much for him, or myself either, faith-We must rely entirely on your goodness. Flo. He's a true penitent, I see, madam; and I'll answer for it, he loves you to excess-Nay, look on him. Emily. Was it well done, colonel, to cherish a mean distrust of me? to trifle with the partiality I had shown to you; and to endeavour to give me pain, merely to secure a poor triumph over my weakness to yourselt? Tam. I am ashamed to answer you. Bell. Ashamed! and so you well may, indeed. Tam. I see my absurdity-all I wish is to be laughed at, and forgiven. Belf. A very reasonable request. Come, madam, pity the poor fellow, and admit him to your good graces again. Fio. Let us prevail on you, dear madam. Bell. Go, you provoking wretch! 'tis more ford, I give you joy-Madam [To FLORIVAL.]- mistress, and you as fortunate in not losing have behaved so ill to you, I scarce know how to give you joy as I ought. Belf. Come, come, no more of this at present. Now we have on all sides ratified the preliminaries, let us settle the definitive treaty as soon as we can-We have been two lucky fellows, Tamper-I have been fortunate in finding my yours. Tam. So we have, Belford; and I wish every brave officer in his Majesty's service had secured to himself such comfortable winter-quarters as we have, after a glorious campaign. [Exeunt oma |