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heart, I believe I should scarce have stirred | you see I think you fit for a husband, I'll have abroad all day.

you myself!—Who can be more proper for a Let. Mr. Oldcastle, your very humble servant. husband, than a man of your age? 'for, I think,

Old. Your very humble servant, madam : 1 you could not have the conscience, nay, the iniask your pardon; but I profess I have not the pudence, to live above a year, or a year and ball, honour of knowing you.

at most: and a good plentiful jointure would Let. Men of your figure, sir, are known by make amends for one's enduring you as long as more than they are themselves able to remem- that, provided we live in separate parts of the ber; I am a poor handmaid of a young lady of house, and one had a good handsome groom of your acquaintance, Miss Charloite Highwan. the chamber to attend one; though, really, in my

Old. Oh! your very humble servant, madam. opinion, you'd much better remain single, both I hope your lady is well?

for your character and constitution. [Exit Let. Let. Hum! so, so: slie sent me, sir, with a Old. Get along, you damned saucy baggage ! small message to you..

I thought this cursed easterly wind would blow Old. I am the happiest man in the world ! me no good.- I'm resolved I won't stir out again Let. To desire a particular favour of you. till it changes.

[Exit. Old. She honours me with her commands. Let. She begs, if you have the least affection

SCENE II.- A room in VALENTINE's house. for her, that she may never see your face again. Old. What! what!

Enter John, meeting VALENTINE. Let. She is a very well-bred, civil

, good-natured

John. Sir, a gentleman desires to see you. lady, and does not care to send a rude message;

Val. Shew hin in.

[Exit Jous. therefore, only bids me tell you, she hates you, scoros you, detests you more than any creature

Enter Slap. upon the earth; that, if you are resolved to mar

Tui. Your most obedient servant, sir; I bare ry, she would recommend you to a certain ex- not the honour of knowing you, sir. cellent dry nurse; and lastly, she bids we tel!

Slap. I believe you do not, sir; I ask pardon, you, in this cold weather, never to go to bed but I have a small writ against you. without a good warm treacle-posset; and by no

Val. A writ against me! means lie without, at least, a pair of Aannel

Slap. Don't be uneasy, sir; it is only for a waistcoats, and a double flannel wighe-cap.

trifle, sir; about 2001. Old. Hold your impertinent, saucy tongue ! Val. What must I do, sir?

Let. Nay, sir, don't be angry with me, I only Slap. Oh, sir! whatever you please ! only pay deliver my message; and that, too, in as civil the money, or give bail ; which you please. aud concise a manner as possible.

Val. I can do neither of them ibis instant, and Old. Your mistress is a pert young hussy; and I expect company every moment. I suppose, sir, I shall tell her aunt of her.

you'll take my word till to-morrow mormng? Let. That will never do; 'tis I am your friend, and if we can get over three little obstacles, I will be so good as tu step to my house hard by,

Slap. Oh, yes, sir, with all my heart. It you don't despair of marrying you to her, yet.

you shall be extremely well used, and I'll take Old. What are those obstacles?

Let. Why, sir, there is, in the first place, your Vul. Your house ! 'Sdeath! you rascal. great age; you are at least seventy-five!

Stap. Nay, sir, 'tis in vain to bully. Old. It is a lie! I want several months of it.

Vul. Nay, then-Who's there?-my servants? Let. If you did not, I think we may get over this : one half of your fortune makes a very suf

Enter Servants. ficient amends for your age.

Ilere, kick this fellow down stairs. Old. We shall not fall out about that.

Slap. This is a rescue, remember that a rese Let. Well, sir; then there is, in the second

cue, sir.

I'll have my lord chief justice's warplace, your terrible, ungenteel air; this is a grand

(SLAP is forced off by the Servants. obstacle with her, who is doaringly fond of every

(Exit VALENTINI. thing that is fine and foppish; and, yct, I think, we may get over this, too, by the other half of

Enter RAKEIT and LETTICE. your fortune.-And now, there remains but one, which, if you can find any thing to set aside, 1 Rake. You perceive, Mrs. Lettice, the strength believe I may promise you, you shall have ber; of my passion, by my frequent visits to you. I and that is, sir, that horrible face of yours, which saw Odcastle part from you just now; pray, it is impossible for any one to see without being what has he been entertaining you with? frightened.

Let. With bis passion for your young mistress, Old. Ye impudent baggage ! I'll tell your mis- or rather her passion for him, I have been bantress !---I'll have you turned off!

tering him till he is in such a rage, that I actually Let. That will be well repaying me, indeed, doubi whether he will not beat her or no. for all the services I have done you.

Rake. Will you never leave off your frolics, Old. Services !

since we must pay for them? You have put him Let. Services! Yes, sir, services; and to let lout of humour; and now will he go and put my

your word.

rant.

Jedy out of humour; and, then, we may be all a grand entertainment to your mistress, and beaten for aught I know.

about a dozen more gentlemen and ladies. Let. Well, sirrah! and do you think I had Rake. My chops begin to water. I find your not rather twenty such as you should be beaten master is a very honest fellow; and, it is possible, to death, than niy master should be robbed of may hold out iwo or three weeks longer. his mistress?

Let You are inistaken, sir; there will be no Rake. Your hunible servant, madam; you danger his giving any more entertainments; need not take any great pains to convince me of for there is a certain gentleman, called an upyour fondness for your master. I believe he has hosterer, who, the moment that the company is more mistresses thao what are in our house; gone, is to make bis entrance into the house, and but, hang it, I ain too polite to be jealous. But, carry every thing out on't. my dear Lettice, I do not approve of this match Ruke. Å very good way, faith, of furnishing a 10 our family.

house to receive a wife in! your master bas set Let. Why so?

me a very good pattern against you and I mar. Reke. Why, you know how desperate Valen-ry, Mrs. Lectice. Line's circumstances are, and she has no fortune. Let. Sauce-box! Do you think I'll have you?

Let. She bath, indeed, no fortune of her own; Roke. Unless I can provide better for myself. but her aunt Highman is very rich. And then, Let. Well, that I am fond of thec, I am ceryou know,we've hopes enow ! There are hopes oftain; and what I ain fond of, I can't imagine, my young master's growing better, for I am sure unless it be thy invincible impudence. there is no possibility of his growing worse ; Rake. Why, faith, I think I have the impuhopes of my old master's staying abroad; hopes dence of a gentleman, and there is nothing better of his being drowned, if he attempts coming to succeed with the ladies. hote; hopes of the stars falling

Let. Yes, yes, and be hanged to you! You Rake. Dear Mrs. Lettice, do not jest with know the power you have over us too well; and, soch serious things as hunger and thirst. Do though we are thoroughly acquainted with your you really think that all your master's entertain-falsehood, yet we are, nine in ten of us, tools ments are at an end?

enough to be caught. Let. So far from it, that he is this day to give

ACT II. ENE I.– A square, with VALENTINE's house. bow batlı he behaved himself in my absence! I Enter GOODALL and Servant,with a portmanteau.

hope he bath taken great care of my affairs ?

Let. I'll answer for him; be hath put your afLLTTICF comes out of the house. fairs into a condition that will surprise you. Good. This cursed stage-coach from Ports- Good. I warrant you, he is every day in the sunath hath fatigued me more than my voyage | Alley. Stocks bave gone just as I imagined ; fram the Cape of Good Hope; but, Heaven bc and if he followed my advice, he must have praised, I am once more arrived within sight of annassed a vast sum of in

money. my own dcors. I cannot help thinking how Let. Not a fathing, sir. pleased my son will be to see me returned a full Good. Ilow, how, how ! year sooner than my intention.

Let. Sir, he hath paid it out as fast as it came Lét. He would be much more pleased to hear in. you were at the Cape of Good Flope yet. [ Aside. Good. How !

Good. I hope I shall find my poor boy at Let. Put it out, I mean, sir, to interest, to infume; I dare su car he will die with joy to see me. terest. Sir, why, our house hath been a perfect

Let. I believe he is half dead already; but tair ever since you went; people coming for morow for you, my good master.--[ Aside.]-Blessney every hour of the day. Dae! Wbat do I see? An apparition !

Good. That's very well done; and I long to Good. Lettice!

see my dear boy.--[To LETTICE.]-Knock at Lat. Is it my dear master Goodall, returned, the door. or is it the devil in his shape? Is it you, sir? Is Let. He is not at home, sir; and if you have it positively you yourself.

such a desire to see himGoud. Even so. How do you do, Lettice? Let. Much at your honour's service. I am

Enter SECURITY. beartily glad-it really makes me cry—to see Sec. Your servant, Mrs. Lettice.' your houour in such good health. Wby, the air Let. Your servant, Mr. Security. Here's a of the Indies hath agreed vastly with you. In-rogue of a usurer, who hath found a proper time deed, sir, you ought to have staid a little longer to ask for bis money in!

Aside. tbere, for the sake of your health, I would to Sec. Do you know, Mrs. Lettice, that I am the Lord you had !

[Aside. weary of following your master, day after day, Good. Well; but how does my son do? And in this manner, without finding him; and that if

sum

he does not pay me to-day, I shall sue out an | but how comes a woman in her circumstances execution directly. A thousand pounds are a to sell her house ?

Let. It is impossible, sir, to account for peoGood. What, what? what's this I hear? ple's actions; besides, poor dear, she is out of Let. I'll explain it to you by and by, sir?

her senses. Good. Does my son owe you a thousand Good. Out of her senses! pounds ?

Let. Yes, sir; her family hath taken out a Sec. Your son, sir !

commission of lonacy agaiost her; and her son, Good. Yes, sir; this young woman's master, who is a most abandoned prodigal, has sold all who lives at that house; Mr. Valentine Goodall she had for half its value. is my son.

Good. Son! why she was not mrrried when I Sec. Yes, sir, be does; and I am very glad went away; she could not have a son. you are returned to pay it re.

Let. O yes she could, sir-She's not married, Good. There yo two words, though, to that to be sure; but to the great surprise of every bargain.

one, and to the great scandal of all our sex, Let. I believe, sir, you will do it with a great there appeared all of a sudden a very lusty young deal of joy, when you know that his owing this fellow, of the age of three and twenty, whom money, is purely an effect of his good conduct. she owned to have been her son, and that his

Good. Good conduct! Owing money good father was a grenadier in the first regiment of conduct!

guards. Let. Yes, sir; he hath bought a house at the Good. Oh. monstrous ! price of two thousand pounds, which every one Let. Ah, sir, if every child in this city knew says is worth more than four; and this he could his own father, if children were to inherit only not have done without borrowing this thousand the estates of those who begot them, it would pound. I am sure, sir, I, and he, and Trusty, cause a great confusion in inheritances ! ran all over the town to get the money, that Good. Well, but I stand here talking too he might not lose so good a bargain. He'll pay long; knock at the door. the money fast enough, now, [Aside. Let. What shall I do?

Aside Good. I am overjoyed at iny son's behaviour. Good. You seem in a consternation; no ac Sir, you need give yourself to pain about the cident hath happened to my son, I hope. money; return to-morrow morning, and you Let. No, sir, butshall receive it.

Good. But! but what? Iath any one robbed Sec. Sir, your word is sufficient for a much me in my absence ? greater sum; and I am your very humble ser- Let. No, sir; not absolutely robbed you, sır. vant. [Exit Sec. What shall' I

[ Aside. Good. Well, but tell me a little--in what Good. Explain yourself: speak. part of the town hath my son bought this house? Let, Oh, sir ! I cant withhold my tears no Let. In what part of the town?

longer- -Enter not I beseech you, sir, your Good. Yes; there are, you know, some quar- house—Sir

, your dear house, that you and I, ters better than others—as, for example, this and my poor master loved so much, within these here

six monthsLet. Well, and it is in this that it stands. Good. What of my house within these sir

Good. Whiat, pot the great house, yonder, is monthsit?

Let. Hath been haunted, sir, with the most Let. No, no, no. Do you see that house yon- terrible apparitions that were ever heard or beder—where the windows seem to have been just held ! you'd think the devil himself had taken cleaned?

possession of it: nay, I believe he hath too: all Good. Yes.

the wild noises in the universe, the squeaking Let. It is not that -and, a little beyond, you of pigs, the grinding of knives, the whetting of see another very large bouse, higher than any saws, the whistling of winds, the roaring of seas, other in the square ?

the hooting of owls, the howling of wolves, the Good. I do.

braying of asses, the squalling of children, and Let. But it is not that. Take particular no- the scolding of wives, all put together, make not rice of the house opposite to it; a very band- so hideous a concert. This I myself have heard; some house, is it not?

nay, and I have seen such sights! one with about Good. Yes; indeed it is.

twenty heads, and a hundred eyes, and mouth Let. That is not the house. But you may and noses in each. see one with great gates before it, almost op- Good. Heyday! the wench is mad! Stand posite to another that fronts a street; at the from before the door! I'll see whether the devil end of which stands the house which your son can keep me out from my own house. Haunted, hath bought.

indeed! Good. There is no good house in that street Let. Sir, I have a friendship for you, and you as I remember, but Mrs. Highman's.

shall not go in. Lei. That's the very house.

Good. How? not go into my own house? Good. That is a very good bargain, indeeds! Let. No, sir, not till the devil is driven out

say?

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straw.

on't; there are two priests at work upon him Good. I must have patience, and trust in now. Hark, I think the devils are dancing a Heaven, and in the power of the priests, who Fandango. Nay, sir, you may listed yourself are now endeavouring to lay these wicked spirits, and get in too, if you can.

with which my house is haunted; but give me Good. Ha ! by all that's gracious, I hear a leave to ask you the cause of your phrenzy; boise ! (Laughing within.] What monstrous for l much question whether this commission of squalling is that?

lunacy that has been taken out against you, be Let. Why, sir, I am surprised you should not without sufficient proof. think I would impose upon you: had you known Mrs. High. A commission of lunacy against the terrors we underwent for a whole fortnight, me! me! especially poor I, sir, who lay every night fright- Good. Lettice, I see she is worse than I imaened with the sight of the most monstrous gined. large things ! there I lay, as quiet as á lamb, Let. She is very bad now indeed. fearing every minute what they would do to Mrs. High. However, if you are not more

mischievous than you at present seem, I think Good. Can all this be true, or are you im- it is wrong in them to confine you in a madposing on me? I have indeed heard of such bouse. things as apparitions, on just causes, and be- Good. Confine me! ha, ha, ha! This is turnlieve in them; but why they should haunt my ing the tables upon me indeed! But, Mrs. house, I can't imagine.

llighman, I would not have you be uneasy that Let. Why, sir, they tell me, before you your house is sold : at least, it is better för

you bought the house, there was a pedlar killed that my son hath bought it than another; for

you shall have an apartment in it still, in the Good. A pedlar! I must inquire into all same manner as if it was still your own, and you these things. But, in the mean time, I must were in your senses. send this portmanteau to my son's new house. Mrs. High. What's all this? As if I was still

Let. No, sir, that's a little improper at present. in my senses! Let me tell you Mr. Goodall, you Gooul. What, is that house haunted? Hath are a poor distracted wretch, and ought to the devil taken possession of that house too? bave an apartment in a dark room, and clean

Let. No, sir; but Madam Highman bath not Fet quitted possession of it. I told you before, Good. Since you come to that, madam, I sur, that she was out of her senses; and if any shall not let you into my doors; and I give one does but mention the sale of her house to you warning to take away your things, for I ber, it throws her into the most violent convul- shall fill all the rooms with goods within these

few days. Good. Well, well: I shall know how to humour hier madness,

Enter Slap, Constable, and Assistants. Lat. I wish, sir, for a day or two

Slap. That's the door, Mr. Constable. Good. You throw me out of all manner of pa- Let. What's to be done now, I wonder? tence. I am resolved I will go thither this in- Con. Open the door, in the king's name,

I shall break it open. Let. Here she is herself; but pray remember Good. Who are you, sir, in the devil's name? the condition she is in, and don't do any thing and what do you want in that house? wa chagrin her.

Slap. Sir, I have a prisoner there, and I have my

lord chief justice's warrant against him. Enter Mrs. HIGHMAN.

Good, For what sum sir? Are you a justice Vins. High. What do I see ! Mr. Goodall re- of the turned!

Slap. I am one of his majesty's officers, sir; Lat. Yes, madam, it is him; but alas ! he's and this day I arrested one "Mr. Valentine 00t hinself-he's distracted; his losses in his Goodall, who lives in this house, for two porage bave turned his brain, and be is become hundred pounds; his servants have rescued a doapright lunatic.

him, and I have a judge's warrant for the Mr. High. I am heartily concerned for his rescue. misfortune. Poor gentleman !

Good: What do I hear! But hark'e, friend, Let. If he should speak to you by chance, that house that you are going to break open, is have no regard to what he says; we are going haunted; and there is no one in it but a couple to shut him up in a madhouse with all expe- of priests, who are laying the devil. dition.

Slap. I warrant you I lay the devil better Mrs. High. (Aside.] He hath a strange wan- than all the priests in Europe. Come, Mr. Condering in his countenance.

stable, do your office, I have no time to lose, Good. (Aside.] How miserably she is altered ! sir; I have several other writs to execute before She bath a terrible look with her eyes.

night. Mrs. High. Mr. Goodall, your very humble Let. I have defended my pass as long as I servant. I am glad to see you returned, though can, and now I think it is no cowardice to steal I am sorry for your misfortune.

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peace?

Enter COLONEL BLUFF, and LORD PUFF. Good. Pray, gentlemen, let me see this mi

racle of a son of mine. Col. What, in the devil's name, is the mean- Col. That you should, sir, long ago, but; realing of all this riot? What is the reason scoun- ly, sir, the house is a little out of order, at predrels, that you dare disturb gentlemen who are sent; there is but one room furnished in it, and getting as drunk as lords ?

that is so full of company, that I am afraid there Slap. Sir we bave authority for what we would be a small deficiency of chairs. You do.

can't imagine, sir, how opportune you are come; Col. Damn your authority, sir! if you don't there was not any one thing left in the house to go about your business, I shall shew you my raise any money apon. authority, and send you all to the devil.

Good. What, all my pictures gone? Slap. Sir, I desire you would give us leave to Col. He sold them first, sir; he was obliged enter the house, and seize our prisoner. to sell them for the delicacy of bis taste : he cerCol. Not I, upon my honour, sir.

tainly is the modestest young fellow in the Slap. If you oppose us any longer, I shall pro- world, and has complained to me a hundred ceed to force.

times, drunk and soberCol. If you love force, I'll shew you the way, Good. Drunk, sir! what, does my son get you dogs ?

[Colonel drives them off. drunk? Good. I find I am distracted; I am stark ra- Col. Ob, yes, sir; regularly twice a day. He ving mad. I am undone, ruined, cheated, im- has complained of the indecent liberty painters posed on! but, please Heaven, I'll go see what's take in exposing the breasts and limbs of woin my house.

men; you had, indeed, sir, a very scandalous Col. Hold, sir, you must not enter here! collection, and he was never easy while they Good. Not enter into my own house, sir! were in the house.

Col. No, sir, if it be yours, you must not come within it.

Enter VALENTINE. Good. Gentlemen, I only beg to speak with Val. My father returned ! oh, let me throw the master of the house.

myself at his feet! and believe me, sir, I am at Col. Sir, the master of the house desires to

once overjoyed, and ashamed, to see your face. speak with no such fellows as you are; you are Col. I told you, sir, he was one of the modestnot fit company for any of the gentlemen in this est young fellows in England. house.

Good. You may very well be ashamed; but Good. Sir, the master of this house is my son. come, let me see the inside of my house ; let

Col. Sir, your most obedient humble servant; me see that both sides of my walls are standing, I am overjoyed to see you returned. Give me Val. Sir, I have a great deal of company leave, sir, to introduce you to this gentleman. within, of the first fasbion, and beg you would

Good. Sir, your most obedient humble servant. not expose me before them.

Col. Give me leave to tell you, sir, you have Good. Oh, sir! I am their very humble serthe honour of being father to one of the finest vant; I am infinitely obliged to all the persons gentlemen of the age: a man so accomplished, of fashion, that they will so generously condeso well-bred, and so generous, that I believe he scend to eat a poor citizen out of house and never would part with a guest while he had a home. shilling in his pocket, nor, indeed, while he could

Col. Hark'e, Val? shall we toss this old felborrow one.

low in a blanket? Good. I believe it, indeed, sir; therefore, you Val. Sir, I trust in your good nature and forcan't wonder if I am impatient to see him. giveness; and will wait on you in. Col. Be not in such haste, dear sir : I want to

Good. Oh, that ever I should live to see

this talk with you about your affairs; I hope you day! have had good success in the Indies, have cheated the company handsomely, and made an

SCENE II.-A dining room. immense fortune?

LORD PUFF, and several gentlemen and ladies Good. I have no reason to complain.

discovered at a table. Col. I am glad on't-give me your hand, sir;

Enter GOODALL and VALENTINE. and so will your son, I dare swear; and let me tell you, it will be very opportune; he began to Val. Gentlemen, my father being just arrived want it. You can't imagine, sir, what a fine life from the Indies, desires to make one of this good he has led since you went away-it would do company, your heart good if you was but to know what an Good. My good lords, (that I may affront none equipage he has kept; what balls and entertain-by calling bim beneath his title) I am highly ments he has made; he is the talk of the whole sensible of the great honour you do myself and town, sir; a man would work with pleasure for my son, by filling my poor house with your noble such a son; he is a fellow with a soul, damn me! persons, and your noble persons with my poor Your fortune won't be thrown away upon him; wine and provisions. for, get as much as you please, my life, he Lord Puff. Sir! Rat me! I would have you spends every farthing!

know, I think I do you too much honour in en

[Ereunt.

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