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"Pay it to heaven! There my mansion is; But when a mortal, favour'd of high Jove, Chances to pass thro' yon advent'rous glade, Swift as the sparkle of a glancing star,

I shoot from heav'n to give him safe convoy. "Now my task is smoothly done, I can fly, or I can run

Quickly to the green earth's end,

Where the bow'd Welkin slow doth bend And from thence can soar as soon,

To the corners of the moon."

Spirit. Mortals, that would happy be, Love Virtue-she alone is free; She can teach you how to climb Higher than the sphery chime; Or, if Virtue feeble were, Heaven itself would stoop to her.

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Oct. THIS is unhappy news! I did not expect my father in two months, and yet you say he is returned already.

Shift. 'Tis but too true.

Oct. That he arrived this morning?

Shift. This very morning.

he understands what things have happened in his absence! I dread his anger and reproaches.

Shift. Reproaches! Would I could be quit of him so easy; methinks I feel him already on my shoulders.

Oct. Disinheriting is the least I can expect.

Shift. You should have thought of this before, and not have fallen in love with I know not whom; one, that you met by chance in the Dover-coach: She is, indeed, a good snug lass; but

Oct. And that he is come with a resolution to God knows what she is besides; perhaps some

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ing: so cunning, he can cheat one newly cheated: 'tis such a wheedling rogue, I'd undertake, in two hours he shall make your father forgive you all; nay, allow you money for your necessary debauches. I saw him, in three days, make an old cautious lawyer turn chemist and projector! Oct. He is the fittest person in the world for my business; the impudent varlet can do thing with the peevish old man. Prithee, go look him out; we'll set him a-work immediately. Shift. See where he comes-Monsieur Scapin! Enter SCAPIN.

Sca. Worthy sir!


Shift. I have been giving my master a brief account of thy most noble qualities: I told him thou wert as valiant as a ridden cuckold, sincere as whores, honest as pimps in want.

Sca. Alas, sir, I but copy you: 'Tis you are brave; you scorn the gibbets, halters, and prisons which threaten you, and valiantly proceed in cheats and robberies.

Oct. Oh, Scapin! I am utterly ruined without

thy assistance.

Enter CLARA.

Oct. Here comes my dearest Clara.
Clara. Ah, me, Octavian! I hear sad news-
They say your father is returned.

Oct. Alas! 'tis true, and I am the most unfortunate person in the world; but 'tis not my own misery that I consider, but yours. How can you bear those wants, to which we must be both


all things easy to us; which is a sign it is the chiefest good. But I have other cares. Will you be ever constant? Shall not your father's severity constrain you to be false?

Clara. Love shall teach me-that can make

Oct. Never, my dearest, never!

Clara. They, that love much, may be allowed some fears.

Sca. Come, come; we have now no time to hear you speak fine tender things to one another. Pray, do you prepare to encounter with your father.

Oct. I tremble at the thoughts of it.

Sca. You must appear resolute at first: Tell him you can live without troubling him; threaten

Sca. Why, what's the matter, good Mr. Octa-him to turn soldier: or, what will frighten him


Oct. My father is this day arrived at Dover with old Mr. Gripe, with a resolution to marry


Sca. Very well.

Oct. Thou knowest I am already married: How will my father resent my disobedience? I am for ever lost, unless thou can'st find some means to reconcile me to him.

Sca. Does your father know of your marriage? Oct. I am afraid he is by this time acquainted with it.

Sca. No matter, no matter, all shall be well. I am public spirited; I love to help distressed young gentlemen: and, thank Heaven, I have had good success enough.

Oct. Besides, my present want must be considered; I am in rebellion without money.

Sca. I have tricks and shifts, too, to get that: I can cheat upon occasion; but cheating is now grown an ill-trade: yet, Heaven be thanked, there were never more cullies and fools, but the greatest rooks and cheats, allowed by public authority, ruin such little undertraders as I am.

Oct. Well, get thee straight about thy business. Canst thou make no use of my rogue here? Sca. Yes, I shall want his assistance; the knave has cunning, and may be useful.

Shift. Ay, sir; but, like other wise men, I am not over-valiant. Pray, leave me out of this business: My fears will betray you; you shall execute, I'll sit at home and advise.

Sca, I stand not in need of thy courage, but thy impudence; and thou hast enough of that. Come, come, thou shalt along: What man, stand out for a beating? That's the worst can happen. Shift. Well, well.

worse, say you'll turn poet. Come, I'll warrant you we bring him to composition.

Oct. What would I give 'twere over! Sca. Let us practise a little what you are to do. Suppose me your father, very grave, and very angry.

Oct. Well.

Sca. Do you look very carelessly, like a small courtier upon his country acquaintance: A little more surlily: Very well.Now, I am full of my fatherly authority.-Octavian, thou makest me weep to see thee; but, alas! they are not tears of joy, but tears of sorrow. Did ever so good a father beget so lewd a son? Nay, but for that I think thy mother virtuous, I should pronounce thou art not mine! Newgate-bird, rogue, villain! what a trick hast thou played me in my absence? Married! Yes. But to whom? Nay, that thou knowest not. I'll warrant you some waiting woman, corrupted in a civil family, and reduced to one of the play-houses; removed from thence by some keeping coxcomb, or

Clara. Hold, Scapin, hold

Sca. No offence, lady, I speak but another's words.-Thou abominable rascal, thou shalt not have a groat, not a groat! Besides, I will break all thy bones ten times over! Get thee out of my house!——Why, sir, you reply not a word! Oct. Look, yonder comes my father! Sca. Stay, Shift; and get you two gone: Let me alone to manage the old fellow.

[Exeunt Ocr. and CLARA.


Thrifty. Was there ever such a rash action? Sca. He has been informed of the business, and is now so full of it, that he vents it to himself.

Thrifty. I would fain hear what they can say for themselves.

Sca. We are not unprovided. [At a distance. Thrifty. Will they be so impudent to deny he thing?

Sca. We never intend it.

Sca. Very true, indeed, very true; but fye upon you, now! would you have him as wise as yourself? Young men will have their follieswitness my charge, Leander, who has gone and thrown away himself at a stranger rate than your son. I would fain know, if you were not

Thrifty. Or will they endeavour to excuse it? once young yourself. Yes, I warrant you, and

Sca. That, perhaps, we may do.

Thrifty. But all shall be in vain.

Scu. We'll try that.

bad your frailties.

Thrifty. Yes; but they never cost me any thing: a man may be as frail and as wicked as

Thrifty. I know how to lay that rogue my son he please, if it cost him nothing.


Sea. That we must prevent.

Thrifty. And for the tatterdemallion, Shift, I'll thresh him to death; I will be three years a cudgelling him!

Shift. I wonder he had forgot me so long. Thrifty. Oh, ho! yonder the rascal is, that brave governor! he tutored my son finely! Sca. Sir, I am overjoyed at your safe return. Thrifty. Good-inorrow, Scapin.-Indeed you have followed my instructions very exactly; my son has behaved himself very prudently in my absence has he not, rascal, has he not? [To SHIFT.

Sca. I hope you are very well. Thrifty. Very well-Thou say'st not a word, varlet; thou say'st not a word!

Sca. Had you a good voyage, Mr. Thrifty? Thrifty. Lord, sir! a very good voyagePray, give a man a little leave to vent his choler! Sca. Would you be in choler, sir? Thrifty. Ay, sir, I would be in choler. Sca. Pray, with whom?

Thrifty. With that confounded rogue there! Sca. Upon what reason?


Thrifty. Upon what reason! Hast thou not heard what hath happened in my absence? Sca. I heard a little idle story. Thrifty. A little idle story, quot ha! man, my son's undone; my son's undone ! Sca. Come, come, things have not been well carried; but I would advise you to make no more of it.

Thrifty. I'm not of your opinion; I'll make the whole town ring of it!

Sca. Lord, sir, I have stormed about this business as much as you can do for your heart! but what are we both the better? I told him, indeed, Mr. Octavian, you do not do well to wrong so good a father: I preached him three or four times asleep; but all would not do; till, at last, when I had well examined the business, I found you had not so much wrong done you as you imagine. Thrifty. How! not wrong done, to have my son married, without my consent, to a beggar? Sca. Alas! he was ordained to it.

Thrifty. That's fine, indeed! we shall steal, cheat, murder, and so be hanged-then say, we were ordained to it!

Sca. Truly, I did not think you so subtle a philosopher! I mean, he was fatally engaged in this affair.

Thrifty. Why did he engage himself?

Sca. Alas! he was so in love with the young wench, that if he had not had her, he must have certainly hanged himself.

Shift. Must! why, he had already done it, but that I came very seasonably, and cut the rope. Thrifty. Didst thou eut the rope, dog? 'I'll inurder thec for that! thou shouldst have let him hang!

Sca. Besides, her kindred surprised him with her, and forced him to marry her.

Thrifty. Then should he have presently gone, and protested against the violence at a notary's. Sca. O Lord, sir! he scorned that.

Thrifty. Then might 1 easily have disannulled the marriage.

Sca. Disannul the marriage?
Thrifty. Yes.

Sca. You shall not break the marriage.
Thrifty. Shall not I break it?

Sca. No.

Thrifty. What! shall not I claim the privilege of a father, and have satisfaction for the violence done to my son?

Sca. Tis a thing he will never consent to.
Thrifty. He will not consent to!

Sca. No: Would you have him confess he was hectored into any thing, that is, to declare himself a coward? Oh, fye, sir! one that has the honour of being your son, can never do such a thing.

Thrifty. Pish! talk not to me of honour! he shall do it, or be disinherited.

Sca. Who shall disinherit him?
Thrifty. That will I, sir.

Sca. You disinherit him! very good-
Thrifty. How, very good?

Sca. You shall not disinherit him.
Thrifty. Shall not I disinherit hin?
Sca. No.

Thrifty. No!

Sca. No.

Thrifty. Sir, you are very merry; I shall not disinherit my son?

Sca. No, I tell you.

Thrifty. Pray, who shall hinder me?

Sca. Alas, sir! your own self, sir; your own self.

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Thrifty. You're mistaken, sir; you're mis-gilant duns, that torment him more than taken! Pish! why do I spend my time in tittle- an old mother does a poor gallant, when she tattle with this idle fellow?-Hang-dog! go solicits a maintenance for her discarded daughfind out my rake-hell [To SHIFT.], whilst I go to my brother Gripe, and inform him of my misfortune.

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Sca. Your money shall be my next carcLet me see, I want a fellow to -Canst thou not counterfeit a roaring bully of Alsatia?Stalk-look big-Very well. Follow me; I have ways to disguise thy voice and countenance.

Shift. Pray, take a little care, and lay your plot so that I may not act the bully always: I would not be beaten like a bully.

Sca. We'll share the danger, we'll share the [Exeunt.





Gripe. Sir, what you tell me concerning your son, hath strangely frustrated our designs. Thrifty. Sir, trouble not yourself about my son; I have undertaken to remove all obstacles, which is the business I am so vigorously in pursuit of.

Gripe. In troth, sir, I'll tell you what I say to you: The education of children, after the getting of them, ought to be the nearest concern of a father. And had you tutored your son with that care and duty incumbent on you, he never could so slightly have forfeited his.

Thrifty. Sir, to return you a sentence for your sentence: Those that are so quick to censure and condemn the conduct of others, ought first to take care that all be well at home.

Gripe. Why, Mr. Thrifty, have you heard any thing concerning my son?

Thrifty. It may be I have; and it may be worse than my own.

Gripe. What is't I pray? my son?

Lean. What d'ye mean, sir?

Gripe. Stand still, and let me look ye in the


Lean. How must I stand, sir?

Gripe. Look upon me with both eyes.
Lean. Well, sir, I do.

Gripe. What's the meaning of this report?
Lean. Report, sir?

Gripe. Yes, report, sir; I speak English, as I take it: What is't that you have done in my absence?

Lean. What is't, sir, which you would have had me done?

Gripe. I do not ask you, what I would have had you done; but, what have you done? Lean. Who? I, sir? Why, I have done nothing at all, not I sir.

Gripe. Nothing at all?

Lean. No, sir.

Gripe. You have no impudence to speak on. Lean. Sir, I have the confidence that becomes a man, and my innocence.

Gripe. Very well: but Scapin, d'ye mark me, young man, Scapin has told me some tales of your behaviour.

Lean. Scapin!

Gripe. Oh, have I caught you? That name makes ye blush, does it? "Tis well you have some grace left.

Thrifty. Even your own Scapin told it me; and you may hear it from him, or some body else for my part, I am your friend, and would not willingly be the messenger of ill news to one that I think so to me. Your servant-I must hasten to my counsel, and advise what's to be done in this case. Good bye till I see you again. [Exit THRIFTY. Gripe. Worse than his son! For my part, I cannot imagine how; for a son to marry impudently without the consent of his father, is as great an offence as can be imagined, I take it—make thee. But yonder he comes.


Lean. Oh, my dear father, how joyful am I to see you safely returned! Welcome, as the blessing, which I am now craving, will be.

Gripe. Not so fast, friend o'mine! soft and fair goes far, sir. You are my son, as I take it.

Lean. Has he said any thing concerning me? Gripe. That shall be examined anon: In the mean while, get you home, d'ye hear, and stay till my return; but look to't, if thou hast done any thing to dishonour me, never think to come within my doo18, or see my face more: but expect to be miserable as thy folly and poverty can [Exit GRIPE.

Lean. Very fine; I am in a hopeful condition. This rascal has betrayed my marriage, and undone me! Now, there is no way left but to turn outlaw, and live by rapine: and, to set my hand in, the first thing shall be, to cut the throat of that perfidious pick-thank dog, who has ruined me.

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